Christianity Oasis Forum

[learningtoagape]

Sunday December 09, 2009,

Well to be honest I am just continually being confronted with so many things from my past. I didn't realize that I was soooo broken or that my past was so jacked up. I spent a lot of time pretending like everything was ok. But it wasn't. Basically I have been dealing with the fact that I was molested for a good portion of my life. I was exposed to pornography one summer while visiting my faher when I was 12 and began reading it and engaging in masturbation. I have masturbated on and off for most of my life. I am also confronted with the reality that I grew up in a domestically violent home. My youngest sister's father and my mother's subsequent boyfriends abused her physically. I had the pleasure of growing up watching this. I'm very hurt in my heart by all these things. I've also been confronted with the fact that I am very angry at my father. Very angry!!!! He abandoned me. He abandoned me. I pretended for years that I didn't care. I pretended that he didn't exist. It wasn't until this year that I realized I am angry at him. I forgive him and love him but I am angry at him for leaving me and my sister. For not caring. For choosing drugs over us.
For leaving me to be abused, molested and grow up around drugs and violence. In addition I am still struggling with masturbation and I don't know why I hate it!!! Hate it!!! I don't do it often maybe only three times this year but I don't want to do it at all!!! I want to be pure before God. I've never had a chance to talk to anyone about all the abuse I've experienced as a child. Sexually and mentally. I used to really hate myself before I got saved to the point where I couldn't look in the mirror. I think I am getting better with myself image but I am still disatisfied with my body. Just recently in class some guy told me he hopes that I eat on Thanksgiving because I need to gain weight. I didn't think it would bother me but it did.......for a whole week. I felt so bad because I do eat I can' helpt it that I am naturally very thin. (I know that is a stupid thing to get upset overy) I realize that I can't do this on my own! I need help. I want to go to a psychologist but I can't afford one on my own and I don't want to go to the one at school Because I don't want to have to see the person every year and know that when they look at me they see my secrets. I'm so ashamed of my life. It really was a mess. It is getting better but my past keeps coming up and hurting so bad but I know I can't ignore it like I've always done. I have to face it and move on. I'm 30 and I have been saved for nearly 12 years and you would think after all this time I would be better and over it. I am finding even here in school that there are many wounds that have not healed and some that healed wrong and some that were never acknowledged. Any feedback you may have is greatly appreciated. I just want to be free!

Thank you all out there who read and pray or respond. God Bless You!

[mlg]

learningtoagape, welcome to the Oasis. We are so absolutely delighted to have you here. I want to begin by saying you don't just get over the hurt from being abused. The only way to get past the past and move forward is to heal. You deserve to be healed and Jesus wants to heal you. He loves you so much, and He knows what you have been through, and He knows how you have been hurt.

I'm glad you have started the counseling steps, because the healing you need will begin here. I will be here with you every step of your journey. Jesus will be holding your hand every step of this journey as well. You are not alone.

I want you to know one thing about the abuse and molestation you went through...it is not your fault. Many times people think they did something to provoke the actions of their abuser...but in reality you were a victim and you did not do anything, nor did you deserve the abuse.

So we have some healing now to do....and it's going to take time, so don't get frustrated if it doesn't happen over night...just stay on the path, and you will begin to see changes. You so deserve this.

Praying for you. Welcome again. Come visit us in the chatroom.

Take care and God Bless you.

[Tam]

Hi learning
First let me start out by saying welcome to Oasis. Glad to have you aboard.
You are not here by accident. You were put here for a reason. The Father loves you so much and wants to heal your broken heart. The first step is forgiveness. You have to forgive those that hurt you and you have to forgive yourself.
I would like to encourage you to do the counseling steps that we have here. The link is http://www.christianityoasis.com/CCCC/Forum.htm

Let me offer you hope sis, you are not alone in all your feelings . Several have been where you are. Jesus know that Jesus is right there beside you and will take your hand and walk with you. Just reach out to Him and let Him begin to heal your heart.
I am here if you need a friend
God Bless you and stay His
Tam

[momof3]

Hi and welcome to Oasis learningtoagape. Im so glad the Lord has led you here and its true, you arent here by accident. I too, would encourage you to do the counceling steps offered. You will find healing and truth within them. We dont see ourselves, especially if we have been abused, as God sees us. I hear the misery in your words, but i also hear the hope. Dig deep sis...pour your heart out to Him walk with Him through the steps. The truth will set you free.

God bless you and again, am so glad you are here. God's Grace is sufficient, sis. Let Him show you His truth.

in Jesus,
love momo

[comfy]

Hi, Learning to Agape . . . I'm Bill . . . blessed to meet with you and our others, here. After you have gone through all that, this now can give you a chance to learn agape. But . . . also . . . I am finding . . . it can be very challenging to live with another person who is not so abusive, etc., and still it can be very challenging . . . an opportunity to learn agage, even with someone who is not a criminal and abusive person. So . . . even if you get so you can forgive and not allow him to have power over you to keep you angry . . . if you get to living closely with someone, even who is a pretty good Christian . . . I'll offer > this, too, can be very challenging. I have people in my church who have not done me any real wrong, and still I can need to pray in order not to get paranoid and criticizing them about ways they may have not done things how I wanted. We ourselves can be our main problem

I think of how Jesus says we need to deny *ourselves* and take up our cross. He doesn't say we need to deny anyone else, maybe we should consider.

I have been involved in evil while I was in junior high school . . . as a babysitter, but I was stopped after one incident of violating a child. I could probably have turned into any sort of evil person we have reported to us in the news. But God had things so I got broken down into a victim type sinner, so then I got a taste of being the victim type. So, I'd say I am familiar with different sorts of evil personality and sins. And I'll offer > we all can have the same basic ways of evil. It's like how a wristwatch ticks the same way as a giant grandfather clock. So . . . now that I have become a Christian (I would say, considering I experience God to be absolutely beautifully wonderful in love with Heaven's pleasantness convicting me to also be loving sweetly every person . . . in this *all*-loving love) . . . I may not be doing predatory things and perpetual bullying and other cruelty; but I have watched TV reality shows about serial predators and heard about their characteristics and tendencies, and . . . ones can be very highly intelligent and very good communicators > oh-oh, but why would this be mentioned?

Well . . . about myself, I learned I have been socially cut off . . . a loner . . . because even though I stopped that very deliberate cruel stuff, still stopping did not make me a social and caring person. Since my predator days, I have gone maybe even forty years not really appreciating that other people have feelings and I need to be sensitive to who and how each person really is. I'm just starting to get the drift of this. So . . . in the meantime . . . I have depended much on intelligence and smart talking, rather than sensing and relating, tending to just *use* people. So . . . this would be like the predator who does not really care, but uses smarts to get somewhere . . . except my level of this is not obviously predatory, but still it is using people instead of personally caring.

And they say the serials are often loners. And don't see their victims as being persons. But . . . more everyday people also can fail to see others as being feeling people. An everyday cool guy can just use women, and not feel for them, for example. So . . . this is what I'm saying > we all need to check our own selves, and not let unusually evil people impress us away from checking our own selves out.

I was clueless. One thing I thought was I would get status by bullying kids who were not popular. And the babysitting violation was *after* I resolved to stop being so evil. I thought if I did it secretly without causing pain and pretending I was doing something else, the boy would not know the difference and so it would be OK. But this came out and was stopped. But the deep evil nature was still there to effect me for a long time after that. I mean . . . to have the character to betray trust and to use a child to make babysitting money and not really care about the child > this is very deeply degrading from being able to love. There are victim type people who just use other people to make money, and their character of this can keep them from being able to find out how to love.

So . . . me just reforming from that violating behavior was not enough. I have been clueless until recently, about how I need to be always feeling for other people . . . about *all* things, not just about the obviously wrong stuff. And it has taken a bashing, at times. I have told people I know about my past and taken quite a beating, of sorts, at times. But each person is different > it has been good to discover how different people have dealt with me. If I hadn't been bashed > well . . . the bashing got me to rethink about what really was so wrong with even doing what was sneaky and not really forcing and not physically causing pain. The betraying trust, using someone, not personally caring was possibly much more evil than the "sexual" part involved, I would say.

But a psychopath personality can be uncaring about how others feel. So . . . my sharing the truth about myself *can* be *not* honest, but because of not caring how others feel and so I am being insensitive and therefore not worried about what others know. Telling people stuff like this can help to tempt their attention away from how they themselves need to find out how to love. Now I pray more for how God would have me sense if and when to share things, so as much as possible it can be good for people. Candidness is not necessarily being honest. There is even what I call "self-righteous honesty", of how I can be telling the truth about myself, but in order to impress really Christian people who I figure would appreciate honesty . . . so I can have the approval of really Christian people > however (o: I am finding (o: the really Christian ones . . . *can tell the difference* (o:

So . . . may be I'm showing, here, how only God can really change a person right. "And any of us can fool ourselves." So, be humble about whoever has done such evil to you. We ourselves need how God would correct us. And . . . (o: . . . we can not straighten anyone out like God can (o: So, we need to trust these more obviously evil people completely to You, LORD, and trust You with ourselves.

[learningtoagape]

Thank you all for your posts. I feel 100% better. I have recently been having a hard time sleeping but I don't think I will tongiht. God Bless you all.

[deetu]

Hi learning...welcome!

It is getting better but my past keeps coming up and hurting so bad but I know I can't ignore it like I've always done. I have to face it and move on. I just want to be free!

When I was reading your post, the part where you said your past keeps coming up and you can't ignore it like you've always done made me think that maybe the Lord is bringing it up so that you can finally get rid of it.

It encouraged me when you said you have to face it. That is how you can unload your burden and move on. Jesus said to take his, it's light.

I can't do this on my own! I need help.

We are here to help. The study is here to help. And the Holy Spirit will help you if you ask.
Freedom!!

Pray that you have a great night's sleep.

[comfy]

In my case, I was an aggressive sinner while I was abused and bullied. So, I would act out to stop what was being done to me, and I might also use what was done to me to give me ideas of what I myself could do to others. So . . . now . . . I do not get much for memories about my distant past of what others did to me; however, I have had things come back, to haunt me about what I did. And ones might say, oh just give it to the LORD and forget it. But . . . isn't Satan allowed to *test* us? So, I can see he would be allowed to bring things back so I can get stronger and stronger against that stuff, and become better at dealing with it . . . "and *using* it" . . . to help others.

And I can help myself to understand how it was wrong so I can have better understanding of evil things, for understanding and having compassion for other people. And now that I know certain more obviously wrong stuff is evil, there can be more sneaky, more socially accepted and even legal stuff that I can do . . . like *using* people for what I want > though it may not be legally predatory how I use someone . . . it's still not loving . . . not learning to relate sensitively and prayerfully to find out how God has me to love each and every person, and take a personal interest in every one. I can now see that what was especially wrong with bullying and other evil I did was maybe not really the physical cruelty, but how I was not caring about other people, and I was just using people for what I found to be entertaining. That indeed was deeply sick with Satan's evil.

But . . . now . . . for one example > if I just judge a lady not to be important to me because I'm not interested in marrying her . . . this is merely wanting to *use* her for what I want, and it's not caring for her like Jesus wants me to love *all* people (Matthew 5:46). So - - - never mind how important each person may seem to me > I need to not *judge* how "important" someone may be > also, if in my mind I just dump a woman because she isn't interesting for marriage > I am shutting her out of the life of love God wants me to have for her > so . . . by shutting her out from life of love . . . this is a way of killing a person, though it may be legal and socially accepted and a habit of worldly people and even Christians who can pick and choose who is good enough for us and worth our attention. And this way of picky and choosy and therefore *judgmental* loving is a deeply evil way witch can help certain kids to become predatory after they first learn to pick and choose who is acceptable socially and who is not worth caring about. So, our selfish culture has ways witch help to produce abusers and habitual predators, then, I would now consider. Example > the victim types in their *gossip* can be training kids to judge and pick and choose who is good enough to love and care about, and who is not worth considering > then ones of these kids can go further to decide it is OK to hurt and kill ones who don't matter. So . . . the victims in sin *can* be helping to produce the predators, I am considering > I was in a family in witch I heard "enough" of negative and judging remarks about certain people, and I suspect from this I became able to decide there were people who it didn't matter if I hurt them and bullied them because they were not socially accepted. So, I had help . . . in Satan's kingdom.

Back to now > even though I may not have past people's wrongs come back to trouble me much, I do have things coming to mind, about people *now* > ones I need to forgive for how they have treated me, recently (mostly hurting my *ego* about not getting my *selfish* desires ); plus, I can invent wrongs, in paranoid nonsense about what someone will or could do to me. So, when real or imagined problem people come to mind, I can give myself to God, for how You can have me getting better in loving these people . . . real or imagined > even if I get wise to it being a paranoid thing, I can switch to dealing with it as if it is really happening, and practice being submissive to You for how You have me dealing with the things I at times imagine people will/could do to me. And how You have me loving these people and caring for them . . . like Jesus did on the cross, right while ones had beaten and whipped and nailed Him and were still hating and cursing and shaming Jesus . . . and Jesus *prayed*, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do." (in Luke 23:34)

And it was *after* Jesus prayed this . . . when one of those guys hanging next to Him asked Jesus to remember Him > Luke 23:34-43. And both of those guys *had* been cursing Jesus, if I get Matthew 27:44 right. So, I can see that prayer of forgiveness got one of those guys bad-mouthing Him to change, right there on the cross. Jesus was not just making a nice gesture of forgiveness, but He was investing in getting evil and hateful people who were abusing Him to change to become His very own brothers and sisters.

So, I'm not like this, really; but I see I should not excuse myself.

[Tam]

Hi learning ,
I too agree that maybe the past keeps coming back because He is ready for you to let go of it.
Our mind can play big time games on us. When our past starts coming up and telling us who we are/were, we need to remind ourselve of who we are in Him and that no matter what He still loves us.

Glad you are feeling a little better.