Death of the Abuser

[Nocturnal1961]

My mom / abuser is in final stages of dementia. I'm not feeling that sad over it and not going to be too hurt when she passes. Her grandchildren won't be too bothered eith cause she's the grasndma that showed up one or two Christmases for dinner and they never went to her house cause that grandma didn't want them there. My mom hated kids. So when she dies it'll be sad that she died but not too painful.

I wrote to someone that counsels people about this and asked if it was normal. Most people are just heart broken when Mom dies. So we feel bad that we don't feel like other people when their Mom dies. Well this is what she told me.

Laurie I will give you the counsel my pastor in Wisconsin gave to me concerning my mother. It gave me great understanding and helped me to stop thinking because I am a Christian I should be able to manufacture a relationship with her.

He told me my mother had planted a garden when I was born as every parent does. A parent will plant roses and nurture the young plants, fertilize with love and discipline/guidance, prune where necessary, water and see that garden come to full bloom.

However, my mother, and yours, planted not a rose garden but a garden of thistles. Now, thistles have beautiful blooms but they are horrible plants with sharp thorns and need to be weeded.

He went on to tell me that in old age my mother wanted a rose garden relationship with me something she never planted, nurtured, pruned, watered, cared for and that it was impossible for me to be a beautiful rose plant. I could try all I wanted, which I did and it made me ill, but it couldn't happen because she would never do her part.

I felt nothing when my mother died because she had planted nothing to cause me to weep. I was not happy, I felt about her death like I felt about any unsaved person's death. There was also a sense of relief, which at first I felt guilty about until my present pastor talked to me and told me that it was okay and normal. And I had a feeling of sadness over the fact that our relationship could never be made right. Most survivors of abuse hold out a ray of hope that one day their parent will love them, appreciate them, want a good relationship with them. When they die that hope is gone and hope deferred makes the heart a little sick sad.

[flutemusic67]

Hi, Nocturnal. God bless you.

Thank you for sharing that story. It brings to us an understanding of how important it is for us to nurture our children and families with love.

I'm so sorry that you don't have that love with your mother. But we have a Father in heaven who loves us very much. He will always be there for you.

May you have the peace, love, and joy of Jesus in your heart.

flute

[Dora]

Very difficult situation.

I can relate as my dad has passed as well.

He had repented and resides in heaven, this I am certain about.

I often felt I'd be fine if he had his side of heaven and I had mine. Even if he's forgiven I just don't want to mingle with him. I felt I had forgiven him. Yet I reserved some pain so I could keep my distance just incase he could hurt me even in the slightest bit in heaven.

Then just receintly God showed me the seporation from my sinful dad to the unsinful dad he is now. Now I can't wait to be with him. The sinless parent has a softer face, compassion and a gentle touch that shows love in it's fullness. He's there to help me and will never again harm me.

We never know for sure where our loved ones have gone. It could be in those last moments they repented and received their glory. They missed out on a full life here on earth, but receive forgiveness all the same.

I know it's hard to think they receive what we long for. But it's not for us to decide, God is the judge. And after all they were led away into their sin by the same enemy that leads us into sin. Different types of sin, but still sin. It is my oppenion that all sin hurts people.

I pray God will give you peace with your mother as he has with my dad. Forgiveness truely is the key to healing. I consider how Jesus was hurt, beaten, laughed at, and hung. Before they repented and confessed he was Lord he asked his father to forgive them. Through him we can forgive those who've harmed us.

I enjoyed reading your post. You put to words how many feel.

It is so true we need to give to our children what our parents didn't give to us. Protection, gentleness, love, acceptance.

[foreverHis]

God BLess you ladies...love ya's