Viscious Circle.....

[cl0udstr1fe]

Abuse is such a viscious circle. My wife was with many men before me and all of them were physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive. When we got together I was very sympathetic to her and determined to show her how a real man treats a woman. Unfortunately she has been through ALOT and is quite jaded. After three years she is still abusive to me verbally, and she still has shown little progress in healing despite all of my attempts to comfort and love her. Per haps it is only god that can heal her, but in the meantime, I still suffer the abuse myself and I can feel myself becoming jaded. Fortunately before I lost myself completely I found this site, and am now going though the counseling program, and it has been quite beneficial. I just wanted to share my story in this forum to see what my brothers and sisters in christ can either add to this topic of conversation, or advise me on how to deal with my current situation.

I love you all!

[---]

these are my thoughts from my experences. It might or might not be how she is feeling. But when you are abused for years it becomes normal and it a horrable way it becomes like a safe spot for us to be in. And when someone that doesn't hurt us or put us down we become defencive and scared. It like going into a different country.

However, since it's been years like this i think she might need professional to help with this.

I'm glad to see you stay by her side; however, if you are becoming unhealthy with her. Sometimes the best thing to do is say i love you and i know you are hurting but i'm not going to allow you to treat me this way. Leave for the night or an hour or two. Sometimes tough love is what people need to move forward.

I'll be praying for you and your wife.

[foreverHis]

thank you cloud....it's good to share our sufferings and results of...you are a good man, and yes lover will win, but, of course you need support as well , because this is hurting not only your relationship,but you personally,
I do understand your wife, I too have come through an abusive marriage, and had to end it, going against all my beliefs, and it is hard to give love and trust again, it is a healing process,
however, we need to want to move on from it, there is life after abuse
so yes only God can heal and deliver, but your wife needs to be open and trusting toward God as well.
maybe you could encourage her to go through this counselling with you?

I'm a little concerned that you a re seeking answers and willing to do this to help her and yourself, but with only one seeking healing, can end up like a plane with a broken wing..going no where but round in circles

God is our healer brother...we are praying for you and your wife...never losr hope..

keep sharing my friend

[cl0udstr1fe]

My wife is becoming jealous of the time I have been spending with god. She is being abusive to me again today. She left.... Called me at home from her cell. Said " I am not coming home tonight, and I'm not going to my Mothers." Then hung up. I immediately called back and asked what do you mean? She said "I dont see whats so hard to understand, Im not coming home tonight" at which point I felt so deflated all I could utter was "k" and then she said "psh you dont care" and hung up. Then I call her again and ask her what she wants me to say, at whih point (heres the killer) she says "Nothing Sebastian, Just gite it to god" in a very condese3nding way and hung up. At this point my initial reaction was anger. I quickly thought to myself that She is making me choose between her and God. She has to know what I will say if it comes to that. Anyow, a minute or so passed and I came to my senses and prayed for her that she would change her mind, and if not that he would protect her. Now she has come back home (roughly 20 minutes later) and is glaring at me and being condesending. I am finding this really difficult to deal with. She cant really expect me to choose her over God! IThis is rough. Anyone have any ideas on what I should do?

love you all....

[---]

Her calling you back and saying you don't care is a game. She is trying to get something out of you but won't say it. She is trying to play into your emontions. She is looking for you to say sorry and have sympathy for her. There is no doubt that she is hurting but she is trying to get attention or crying out for help.

I'm so proud of you that you went to God with this. And you chose him over your wife. That sounds bad but it's a very hard thing to do. To pick god over your soul partner. And you did it. That is great.

Get her some professional help and point her to God. The true healer.

[cl0udstr1fe]

Thank you. I will point her to god, but im not sure if shes gonna wanna hear it...

Love you all.

Sebas

[comfy]

Sebastian . . . a thought . . . not that this goes for you, but I think you made a point of wanting to treat her like a real man would, instead of abusing her.

Well, I think I have been nurturing with ladies, in order to make myself look good . . . an image thing. Look like the hero, superior.

instead of relating, maybe . . . posturing myself

It can be a pride thing, to show how good we ourselves are, versus how much more God can be and we need how You correct us to better than we can pride ourselves in showing we can be.

We have more to learn, Sebastian, about how to treat people. Could part of your hurt be how you feel you "deserve" something from her for how you have been treating her? I'll bet, now that I think about this for myself, that I have done a thing or two, and got hurt and disenchanted because I felt I "deserved" more than how people reacted.

So, I need to get into this, myself. Really relating with another person . . . this can be so much more of a challenge, than doing what is better than abusers have done > they aren't very much competition (o: How do we compare with Jesus

[cl0udstr1fe]

thank you all for your advice,

Now that I think about it, I had turned from my faith in HIM when I was first with her ( well long before that but my point is I was not HIS when we got together) so indeed my pride may have played a larger role than I realized. I would like to think that it was not pride, but caring and love that made me want to show her a good relationship.

When I was a kid, my mom was a Stripper. she got so emotionally down because of her proffession. Of course this had a major affect on me. I hated how men treated women in the world around me since before I was even a teen. It molded me to try and "lead by example" and be one of the men who treated women with the love and respect they deserve. I molded myself to be a gentleman. It almost seems Like I have been preparing myself my whole life to be with my wife now, trying to repent if you will, of the pain caused by other men and try to show what a mans true nature should be.

After pondering your words I see that pride must have played a role, but I just wanted you to know the whole story. This really fits well with the Viscious circle theory of mine. I have been exposed to men abusing women since I was a child, and it had a profound effect on me. Now all I yearn for is god. I tried to explain this to my wife yesterday and she says "were not even compatible anymore" She was referencing the fact that I have become heavily devoted to my faith. She beleives in Christ, but she leaves it there. I do not see her trying to immprove her relationship with GOD. She is content to accept the forgiveness, and just leave it there. So the fact that I have been spending alot more time with HIM, and the fact that HE is all I really talk about anymore (because I am keeping my mind on him) she feels like she cant talk to me, because she says I am taking it too far. HOW CAN YOU TAKE IT TOO FAR WITH GOD? That doesnt make sense to me. Our bretheren in the past (and even today) have died in his name. If others have done this and that is not going to far ( but is more like giving ultimate glory to HIM) than how can me becoming a "jesus freak/fanatic" be going to far. Really I feel those words are not hers but are the words of the evil one. I am firm though, I have faced enough persecution from my own family as a Kid, I will not as a Man submit to this persecution and abandon my faith for ANYONE or ANYTHING. I just dont know what to do....

[comfy]

That is clear that you have meant to treat women good. And this is good, but we need to do this humbly and how God has us learn this. God will keep having us become better in how He would have us relating with women.

So, what you can think up, now, is going to be improved on, by God, as we grow.

"nor give place to the devil." (Ephesians 4:27)

[cl0udstr1fe]

For those of my Bretheren who have been reading this thread, praying for me, and worried about me. The lord has heard yours and mine prayers. Please see 5/14 on my way to the Lord!! in the COOL Counseling Forum. (right up near the top) to see more about gods answers.

[flutemusic67]

Hi, cloud. God bless you this day.

I believe that the worst part of abuse is the emotional and mental anguish. It lingers for years. Scars will fade away, but the mind is damaged....seems like permanently.

I probably did most of the same things to my family, friends, and past boyfriends that your wife does to you. I remember my sister getting frustrated once during an argument. She said I argued her down on every point. It's because I had to learn how to cope with my ex-husbands mind games and one way was not letting go of a single untrue fact.

It takes a long time to undo the damage that has been done. She may not even know at this point that there are issues. It's most likely part of who she is now.

Let her know, with patience and love, how she makes you feel. The truth will hurt her, but she really needs to know. It's part of healing.

When she does and says certain things, sometimes what she is doing is pushing you away to see how much you will take before you leave her. It is her fears coming to the surface. She probably doesn't know how to simply tell you what she is afraid of, so she lashes out in other ways.

Showing her patience, love, and encouragement is what she needs. She doesn't have Jesus to lean on right now, so you need to be Jesus for her through your actions. Don't give up on her. Find blessed rest in Jesus when you find yourself becoming weary.

God is in control. He loves her and He loves you. Keep the faith and stay strong through HIM.

God bless and keep you both.



flute

[JandSBaker2009]

cl0udstr1fe

I know from what i have gone through with my husband is kinda the same thing. he was vary understanding and careing to me would do anything for me. but to me that scared me more than anything. i didn't know how to react to it so i would get mad and go on the defence about anything and everything becasue to me to me i do not feel that i should be treated so nice and that i shouldn't be happy.

also as fare as her leaving and calling i do that as well at times and i am trying to see if he will reject me and leave or it is my way of pushing him away because he is getting to close to me so i am doing it to protect myself.

but i know for me this is why i do this at times is becausei feel that i am protecting myself.

another thing that was pointed out to me today by my couseler is that when my husband gets mad at me he gets in my face and i tence up real bad and i will tell josh that he needs to back down and get out of my face. my counseler told me that it is because i get triggered and i never even thought about it that was.

so i am not saying that it is right that she is trying to make you feel bad or make it seem like you have to make a choice but maybe she is feeling that you are trying to put something before her. and i don't know her past but maybe that is what the past abusers did as well what ever it was drinking or what ever so maybe it gives her that feeling. i don't know.

thank you for your post as well because it was a reality check for me to know how it does make others feel. and i have to tell my husband all the time that it has nothing to do with him it is my past and it is not fair that others have to fight our past as well.