Christianity Oasis Forum

[verylost]

I just started step 1 of my 14step plan..

the crazy thing, is that before i saw the journal entry requirement... i had already written this as a way to possibly help my depression.. I wrote a lot more, but the first half seemed perfect for the journal entry, and i will post this for you guys to read, I may post the second half later.


I lie,
I lie, not because I live a shady life, not because I do not love. I lie out of fear. I fear arguments. I fear being alone. I fear losing my wife. I fear losing my best friend, the one thing I have loved every day since I can remember. I have lied because I was afraid that what I saw as not a big deal, would be seen as a big deal, and would most definitely result in being left. So I have lied about an experience with an ex when I was with the ex, I lied about looking at a girl’s facebook page, when that lie almost cost me my fiancé, I lied about her sending me messages over the internet, for fear of no matter how it was found out, I would be left. So I lied.

Lying has broken my wife’s heart, on multiple occasions. Has she broken my heart? Yes, but she came to me and willingly told me. Did she lie about it originally? Yes. Did it hurt? Yes. But she came back and told me. I would like to think that I would have come clean, but past experiences would probably say I would not have. I remember the exact thoughts while deciding about deleting the messages.. “she will leave me if she sees this message, I should tell her, but I’m afraid she will leave me then too”. I felt I had no other way but to lie.

So now I have instances of every kind of lie that hurts. I was sure I learned my lesson last time. I put our marriage first. I didn’t allow myself to be put into situations that could be viewed as bad. Which is why I shut this person down over facebook messages, I thought I had done right. And I had done right, until it was deleted, and I lied.
The next question is conviction. Do I feel convicted. Of course I do. I was thinking about this past lie for days, but I was away from my wife, and this is not something you share over the phone. I felt horrible, but I swallowed it.

Would I have acted different had I help up a promise I made? I made a Promise to my wife that I would be her spiritual leader. I promised her father the same thing. “Thomas if you will be her spiritual leader, I will let you marry her.” At the time I meant it. When she almost left me and I prayed for God to come into my soul I meant it. But as soon as things were going right, as soon as my wife got here, as soon as I started making money. That promise left. I was no longer her leader. I let my schedule tell me I was tired, that I didn’t have time, that on my days off I just wanted to relax.

I am truly lost, and I fear there is nothing to be done. I put my faith in God, and then as soon as times are good I pull away. I am a hypocrite. I am a liar, I do not take part in unfaithful actions, or words. I love my wife with all my soul, but I slip up in times of fear. I have no confidence in myself. She demands confidence, she deserves confidence.

[Lani]

Greetings to you this day my brother in Christ,


I would like to first welcome you to the Oasis and to this amazing 14 step journey. Please know you are Welcome, you are Accepted, You are Loved AND You are most certainly NOT Alone.

I cannot tell you what to do in terms of the things you feel conviction about because the Holy Spirit is already guiding you. I will tell you that I am keeping you and your wife and all of the things you have shared in this first post in prayer. I encourage you to continue to journal, where and when you are comfortable. This is a vital part of healing and That Brother, is my strongest prayer for you.

Thank you for sharing. One step at a time... the journey continues.

God Bless you and yours

Peace n Luv in Christ,
Lani

[dema]

Hi. I am a blunt nerd. I know sometimes I am too direct - but I have trouble discerning those times. I hope this is not one of them.

When you talk about lying and fear - I find that insightful. Self-aware.

My first thought was, "well, then quit doing the things that tempt you to lie" and your next sentence was about that.

And then my thoughts go to how you define lying. There is no obligation to tell all. A lie is when someone asks you a question and you intentionally give them false information. Having someone flirt with you, you starting to flirt back and thinking better of it and then deleting it all sounds like wise action to me.

I don't know if I understood correctly.

If you were exchanging emails that got into dangerous territory, you woke up and smelled the coffee, got out of the situation, and deleted the emails - well, then there is no need to TELL your wife. If she later finds out about it and asks her - you should look her in the eye and tell her. I know the fear makes you not want to do this. The irony is....

I'll give you an example. A man my ex-husband knew was into porn. Bad but not illegal. If you go to porn sites, there are viruses. Some of these viruses pelt your computer with all sorts of disgusting things. I know - my ex-husband made another guy mad and he broke into my computer and planted some of those viruses on it - and I do not indulge in that kind of thing at all. So, this man made an employee mad. She got into his computer (he viewed the porn at work because of his wife) and she found an illegal image and called the police. This man acted so guilty of the porn that they were sure he was guilty of intentionally having the illegal images. The police couldn't imagine a man being that guilty acting over something that wasn't even illegal. And he got an extended period of house arrest. And a permanent listing on the pervert sites.

If he hadn't acted so guilty, then the police would likely have believed him that he had been pelted with a virus. But, his guiltiness over the lesser offense convicted him.

You may be doing this in your life. You may be living under such a cloud of guilt and condemnation that you are blowing your sins all out of proportion and so the other person thinks there is more than there is. Christ died for our sins.

Or you could be minimizing in your post. I don't know.

My point is that not confessing isn't lying. In court, taking the fifth is legal. Perjury is a crime. Make sure you know the difference. Sometimes confessing is a way to put your burden onto the other person. It makes the other person have to forgive you - which makes you feel better. But then she has the knowledge of your mental infidelity. This is not kind. It is not good.

Discretion is required. Think before telling your wife about mental indiscretions. And spend time telling her how much you love her. Be thinking about her - not about your sins or imagined sins against her.

I suspect you are living in general guilt and condemnation. I recommend reading about Christ's sacrifice for you and the forgiveness of sins.

[verylost]

The sad thing is I wasn't flirting. The first message she sent I didn't even respond. The second was her asking if I was going out with my friends that night.. Which I replied "no" to. So the emails were completely innocent. It's just the fact that I deleted them and kept them from her. I also work with this woman daily. All these hints are what it made such a big issue. Definitely haven't been flirting or building this girl up.

[verylost]

But by deleting and deceiving my wife. I have opened the door to her thinking I was hiding more.. When in fact it was only out of fear.. I brought it 100% on myself

[dema]

I'm missing pieces of the puzzle. It sounds like you work with a girl; she wrote you some emails that were relatively innocent but could have been misconstrued, you didn't respond at first, then discouraged her and deleted the messages, your wife snooped on your computer and found that you had deleted messages and created a stink.

If this is indeed what happened, then you are completely innocent and your wife has serious issues and needs to talk to a professional.

1. She had no right to spy on you on the computer.
2. You acted entirely appropriately.
3. The situation wasn't significant so telling her about it would have been making a mountain out of a mole hill.
4. Apparently your wife has a habit of reacting and that is why you feel the need to not tell her things.
5. Not telling her things is not lying and you should make that very clear to her.

She SHOULD be told, "Failure to mention something is not deception unless it was something you had a right to know. This was insignificant. You insisting on calling this kind of thing lying has the exact opposite effect you want it to have - the more you chase me down the more I hesitate to tell you anything."

This is if my interpretation is correct. I hope I'm wrong. How did your wife find out about any of this?

She does not have the right to carry on and make your life miserable because a woman at work talks to you - particularly when all you said was, "No". And the idea of you keeping it "secret" when it was insignificant is ridiculous. And controlling. And not the way one adult should treat another.

I hope I have it wrong. Please let me know.

[dema]

As I said before - not mentioning something is not deceit unless you are sneaking around doing things you aren't supposed to do. Particularly if you would have gotten 20 questions and a lot of suspicion if you did mention it.

Don't let your wife convince you that you have done something wrong if you haven't. Now if you have, and there is a history that goes with this - if you have had online indiscretions where you were emotionally unfaithful to your wife - even without physical contact - then that is completely different.

Your online and other communications should be private. Adults have the right to a certain level of privacy. But adults should be emotionally and physically faithful to their spouses. So, I have questions.

[Mackenaw]

Hello Verylost

God bless you this day, and welcome to Christianity Oasis. I'm glad The Lord led you here, and glad that you are reading the 14-Day CCCC Study. I truly hope you will commit to reading the study to completion and that you'll embrace and meditate on the scriptures within each stepping stone. Jesus is The Word and The Word is Truth, and the Truth will set you free.

You said:

I lie out of fear. I fear arguments. I fear being alone. I fear losing my wife. I fear losing my best friend, the one thing I have loved every day since I can remember.

Dear brother in Christ, you will not find the answers, nor the healing, that you seek through fear. Fear is a tool of the enemy to keep you bound. I do understand fear, because I, too, was tormented by it for a long time...until God's Word stirred within my being and healed me.

II Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, and love and of a sound mind.

1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

As children of God, we have 24/7 access to the fruit of The Holy Spirit -- the first one being Love. God's perfect love is available to you, so anytime fear starts messing with you, grab ahold of the perfect love of God and cast the fear out in the name of Jesus.

God loves us and His Word tells us that He corrects those He loves...so, we can expect correction, but not torment. Take this time to get to know God on a deeper level. The Holy Spirit will help you be the spiritual leader within your family that you long for. It is God, Himself, that desires you to be the spiritual leader within your family, and while your promise to your wife and father-in-law is admirable, remember this...ultimately, you are defined by God, and He won't let you down. When God sets principles and standards for us to follow, He also provides the means by which to do so. His power working within us is the key, so focus on Him.

God has begun a good work in you and He will complete that which He has begun.

Prayers are rising to our Lord in the name of Jesus on your behalf. May God's blessed and perfect will be done.

God bless and keep you.
In Christ Jesus' love,
Sister Mack