Christianity Oasis Forum

[Lionhearted]

Good day to all, i've got a thought to ponder. is the death of a relationship like the real death of the person. i guess it would depend on the person eh.

the problem i experience is that there is no 'closure' (to use a modern-psychology term.)

it has been ongoing for about 5 years now. normally, its the kids who walk in and out of the lives of their parents; but with my life, its my parents who walk in and out of mine.

this has been the longest stretch tho. it truly feels like they are choosing to be "dead" -- away from me.

yes, it is true that i could pick up the phone and call ... oddly enough, i wouldn't be respecting their wishes ... which is to honour their choice to be apart from me. (is it possible for parents to 'divorce' their children)

this is the most real piece of scripture i have ... and it renews my strength especially at this time of year, when i know my sister and brother and their spouses and my neices and nephews are all gathered at my mom and dad's home, and my family is ..... "put away"...

Psalm 27:10 - Although my father and my mother have forsaken me, yet the Lord will take me up [adopt me as His child].
~~~

it is a bittersweet mix to be dropped by my family and captured by the Lord.

[ChildsCry]

Why would they not want to be with you?? I think your awesome..family or no family you are a part of the family of God and i think that blows family as in blood, right out of the water..

[Lionhearted]

oh thank you Jen .... yes the family of God does blow blood ties right out of the water; i never thought i would believe that until i read Matthew 12.

and i cannot be the first person to be forsaken by their mother and father and adopted to the Lord. i'm so thankful to God for His Word.

fighthegoodfight
robyn

[bigred29]

This sounds like what my sister-in-law is going through. But its not only her parents. Its her brother and sister as well. We seem to be the only family she has. She has been fighting with this for a long time. She seems to be getting better with it.

I will say this to you, I'm glad I found you. You have been such a great friend and I love you for it. I know He is happy with you just as we are here.Keep fighting sis!!!

GOD BLESS!!
Tim

[kimberly]

Dear Lion...

I can't begin to imagine the emotions involved here. I think it's worse than a death, because the possibility for relationship is there and being refused.

The marvelous thing is that God is willing to fill the void, and you know that. Because of your close relationship with Him, you turned to Him immediately. How wise, my sister.

I'm so glad you joined the family here, I hope and pray for your parents to have a permenent change of heart. I know you have released them into God's care by forgiveness.

LOve and hugs, Kim

[Lionhearted]

thank you so very much for your words of encouragement. yes, its tough sometimes ... but i do praise Him inspite of it .... some think i'm cracked LOL as i will look at my sisters pic on facebook, long to be with her, pray for her .... then start to cry and come out of it praising God.

same with my parents; i will google-earth their address and look at where i grew up and imagine what my dad might be doing ... and go thru the same pattern of pain.... and then again, end up praising Him.

you know, i don't know why it has to be this way .... but i'll tell you what i do know .... there is a God in heaven He chose me for a purpose and if this is it ... all the glory to Him!!!

... it won't be forever, i have it on good authority that Jesus is on His way! i'd sooner have the pain now, in the dot of temporal time, that the line of forever in eternity time....

(is it an oxymoron to use the terms "eternity" and "time" together .... who knows ....

luvsyaloads
robyn

[Tracy L]

Dearest Robyn, I can understand what you are saying. My earthly father has never wanted much to do with me. I have always felt more like a burden to him than a daughter. In my heart, and from growing up, I know he never wanted kids. He did it for my mom (Mom has always affirmed her love for me). One of the things I remember him saying was how kids should be out on their own by 18 yrs old. He got his wish. I am 44 yrs old and to this day I am more of an outsider to him than his "other" family (my step-mom and her daughter). His words and his actions tell me that he really doesn't care if I ever talk to him or not. My step-mom prompts him to even send me birthday cards and such.
Years ago I decided to forgive him and in the process I started calling more and writing letters. Didn't make any difference to him. He still said mean things to me and talked more about his vacations and stuff he has, etc.
I guess my point is that I gave it my best shot and he did not recipricate. I also came across the scripture you mentioned that God will never forget us even if our earthly family does. This was really comforting to me also cuz I had always heard and believed in the saying that "blood is thicker than water". You know, Jesus's blood is what binds us to Him come to think of it. Praise God for a "Heavenly Father" and Christian brothers and sisters! We are a tighter family than just the "fleshly" family who is going to pass away when Jesus returns.

God Bless You Robyn. I just wanted to tell you that I understand. And I just wanted to encourage you that in the end all that won't matter.

Love ya sis,
Tracy

[---]

Hey Lion....
I know some of what you speak of.

My oldest daughter is not a part of our family at all. Have only seen her once in 15 years and rarely have spoken to her.
But then we had reason to ask her to leave our lives...and even though we were the ones to ask her to leave, the door was never firmly closed...she has just chosen to not walk through it again.

I do not know your circumstances and am very sorry for whatever has come between you and your family.

But I agree with you and others that have said Praise the Lord for HIS family....that the BLOOD of JESUS is what binds His family together.
I have many daughters here who help to make up for my loss of my oldest daughter...am ever so thankful God has brought them into my life.

The years have made separation easier... it is a sad thing to admit but at this point in time we do not care to have a relationship more than what little there is of one with her.
God honors my requests by taking care of her. Maybe some day she will make a choice to be one of His children even though she does not want to be one of John's and mine.

I hope and pray some day all will become right for you with your family.
Where there is God hope prevails.

[Lionhearted]

what has come between my family (and i say "my family" but really i mean my mom, as she controls everyone else's actions ... so if she doesn't like you, then no body in the family likes you) so, what has come between my mom and me is my faith, she would say its the homeschooling and the radical submission that is practiced in our home .... but both of these link back to Jesus Christ, in my eyes its my faith in God that has driven her away from us.

for many years i listened to her try to convince my kids that homeschooling was wrong and bad and not as good as public education. for many years i listened to her try to convince me (in not so subtle ways) that i should be working and not depriving my kids of materials possessions such as (by this she means everything else that other kids have ... whatever that may be) ...

i never really said much back, as i knew it would result in "challenging" her. thats not the way it works in our family ... you either do what she suggests ... or you put up with the biting comments of her airing her opinion .... but you never, never challenge her .... i found this out growing up, that once you challenged her, openly ... you had a fight on your hands until you changed your opinion to agree with her; and she presses in ... in an open forum usually.

well, God told me it was time; so with my list of things to say and my "parameters" (which were from God: you're not to raise your voice; you are to speak in calm measured tones; and you are to stay on target ... don't allow the conversation to stray) ...

the week arrived from monday to thursday God was prompting me to call her for this discussion. the discussion was that i was to call her into account for something she had said to my daughters ... in my presence, which i had not responded to at the time. she had said, "don't you girls miss your friends at school?"

it seems benign, right. yes, it would seem. however, what God said is that, "she's now done ... you are not to allow it anymore; its gone on for too many years, its time you speak in the freedom I have given you"

as i said, He was prompting me to call from monday until thursday... and it started again on friday ... and i was dragging my heels, as i knew it would be the "end" ... and i was afraid ... i was praying for the courage, and the phone rang ... yes, it was my mom ... at first i was vomity terrified ... then a quiet calm and assurance came over me ... and God put the words in my mouth !!!

"can you hang on mom, i just have to get something" ... (my voice but not my words) !!!!!! i put down the phone and the Lord said .... "now, go get the list you wrote" at this point He didn't leave me .... but He did step back slightly. i felt like a small child taking her first few steps with my heavenly Father's hands on either side of me to catch me if i fell.

i got my list and started the convo. "mom, you can't say stuff like that to my kids anymore. you can't ask them any questions about homeschooling that are negatively leading. you cannot challenge how we've chosen to run our marriage and family. you have to support our decisions with our OWN kids". i love you mom, but its not fair to them or to us. our kids don't have a choice about homeschooling, so its cruel of you to make them think that they do. and with our marriage, it really isn't any of your business. i'm sorry to have to tell you these things. i've felt like this for quite sometime now, and i'm sorry that i didn't have the courage until now to tell you. this isn't just about the question that you asked the girls ... "about not missing their friends at school" .... its about you not supporting our lifestyle ... that you've never supported our homeschooling .... how hard its been for many years (10 years) ..... that last comment that you made .... was really the last one. you need to start supporting us ... and if you don't, then at least when you are in the presence of our children, don't allow them to think that you don't."

this wasn't received so well, actually, it was totally mis-interpreted. she said good bye to me that day because she didn't want to have people in her life that she couldn't speak her opinion freely .... and she went one step further in her mind to say that, its wrong for me to only allow people to share my own opinion as long as they are around my children and in my home.

at this point she tried several different ways to convince me (yet again) that i needed to get a job and put them in school .... i just kept repeating the the same things over and over again .... in different ways (as was from my list that the Lord gave me) .... finally she said that i was forcing her to choose and that she would be saying good bye for good.

that was almost 5 years ago, she stopped acknowledging me, darrell and our kids ... she used to send cards and gifts on all occasions etc. and it all just stopped .... as it did with all family members.

i continued to acknowledge birthdays, mother's day, father's day etc. until the Lord said, "enough, you are not honouring her by respecting her wishes" .... it was confusing at first, but He showed me that this was her choice and she was free to make it .... and you are going to honour her by respecting her choices because that is what I ask of you.

i wouldn't say that it hurts less ... i would say it hurts the same amount ... time has just passed. like rings in the growth of a tree, if you were to cut me in half you would see a severe dip in my ring of that year ... it will always be there ... i've learned how to carry it .... how to manage it. there is a great analogy of emotional pain being similar to physical pain, in the course of healing, but it ends in that a broken bone cannot remember being broken, where as your soul can.

the "bars" that were placed over that part of my heart have been opened up to Jesus. i don't believe that He reaches in magically and makes it disappear. what He does do is ..... when i return to that spot .... i find HIM there standing in that spot ... right in the middle of that "cut" in the ring of my life.

[mlg]

You know lionhearted, I am so sorry that you were forced to choose between your mom and God...I mean I know she made the choice, but the fact that she forced the situation, doesn't make it easy. Something you must know is, that this will happen to many families as time goes on, but God is proud of you for sticking to His side, and not giving in or giving up. He loves you very much lionhearted, and I know He is blessing you.

luv ya lots sis

[---]

Lion..
Am so sorry for what has happened with you and your mom...and the rest of your family who follow her lead. Some times choices have to be made on the side of God that others do not or will not understand or at least make room for.

Yes it hurts a lot to be separated from someone who you thought would always be in your life.
Thankfully...in spite of the pain you can count on God Who will ALWAYS stand with you in the gap. He will never leave and will continue to be there waiting to love and support when others let you down or walk away.

John had a father who was very similar to your mom, was bent on controling our lives, and succeeded in making a lot of our life painful....and if you're ever interested, will tell you about my daughter sometime.
God thankfully stepped in saving us (me) from hate and anger.
He gifted us with two precious gifts in the midst of the struggle.

HE is FOREVER GOOD !