Life is a mess, Lying has caught up with me

[d.schneider786]

Hello,
My name is Derrick. I am 25 years old, and I am posting this topic because I am a liar. People veiw me as a good guy when they don't really know the truth about what I have done... I don't like feeling this way anymore. I don't like feeling lost and without God. I lie knowing it is wrong but continue to do it. My lies have caught up with me even though I felt I could get away with it in the begginning. I feel far away from God. The mistakes I have made while calling myself a Christian make me question if I actually am. It scares me to think that I may not be a Christian. I have constantly rebelled against Him. I want and need God and want to live a life for Him! There are so many issues in my life so I will try my best to spill it all out so it makes sense. Here it goes..

I have grown up in a Christian home and have moved around a lot and been to many churches. I happened to have an experience at a church that made me have a very negative view of Christians... I realize now that it needs to be based more off of my personal relationship with God than anything else( not based off of other people)
After I was old enough and left that church I started to completely not care about God or anything else having to do with him. I told my parents I was going to a different church even though I was only going once in a great while. My life started to spiral down hill. I started to date girls that were Christian but we would be physically impure which is what made me question if I am actually a Christian. I doubted my faith... and still do. My friend once told me it was like two veggitarians meeting every week to eat steak. It just doesn't line up. After these kind of things happened I felt God tugging on my heart and at times I would take small steps to try to listen and follow Him but would always slip back into my sinful desires and ways. I doubt that I am a Christian because of these things. Is this something I should question?

I ended a relationship that I had been in for over a year and it was one of the hardest lowest points of my life. I stayed friends with her and then when she started dating someone else I got very jealous and hit rock bottom when I couldn't have her back. I found someone else after I got over her a year later. I started getting to the point to where my relationships would go bad I would just look for someone else without ending my current relationship and I was dishonest about it. I was afraid to face the pain of breaking up with a girl again but wanted something new because I was not careful about who I started a relationship with and it would last a year at the most. I would make excuses for my actions... I would not sleep around but would hang out with other girls to fulfill my desires and be as physical as I could be without sleeping with them. I got used to this lifestyle. I would meet other girls and go on dates with them while I had a girlfriend... I would lie lie lie about where I was and who I was with to my girlfriend and my family. Eventually the relationship would just fall apart and diminish to an end without me ending it when I should have. I guess I would be afraid to be alone at times and to feel the pain so I would try to find something to distract me from it which I realize is no excuse.

All of that leads me to my current situation. I had dated this girl for almost two years and we were close. I even looked at rings to be engaged to her. I was happy and wanted to be with her... At the same time I had not been loyal to her with other women... I had kissed other girls and been almost to the point to where I had slept with other girls without actually going the whole way which in my mind I thought might be ok because I didn't sleep with them. Through this time I was lying to my mom and dad about where I was staying at night(I was staying at her house). After I looked at rings and things seemed to be going great our relationship started to crash. We fought all the time and couldn't ever resolved our issues. I am a mellow guy but I would yell like i never dreamed of yelling at anyone! We would fight all the time. The more this happened instead of trying to find ways to fix this I fixed it by hanging out with another girl to ease the pain... Then I ended up kissing her. My current girlfriend found out about it when I got a text from the girl I kissed when we were hanging out. She screamed at me(rightfully so) and left her house. Our relationship was over and I finally confessed and told her I had kissed this other girl. I was in so much pain and at this time I started to pray. I asked God to do what it took to get me out of this situation and come clean whether I liked it or not. She ended up forgiving me and we got back together... though I could tell she was not past it yet and she did not trust me. Through this time I continued to talk and hang out with this girl that I had kissed and we continued to do what we had always done... I lied to my current girlfriend again and told her we no longer talked. We ended up breaking up for other reasons a few weeks later. I was in pain and was scared to face it again so I did what I always would do... I met a girl that I thought was attractive and we started talking and ended up in a relationship. When my last girlfriend saw a picture of me and her together she was not happy and confronted about it... I lied and told her that I was not with her. All of this because I didn't want to lose my image and I didn't want to hurt her and look like the bad guy. I tried to stop talking to my last girl friend that I almost proposed to but she kept contacting me insisting that we should try again. Then she would give up trying and I would contact her because I missed her and started to feel the pain of losing her again. If the relationship didn't end for the reasons I wanted it to I was not happy. Weeks later I met up with my ex again and we agreed that we should start hanging out again. So we did... So now I had a girlfriend that lives in Texas and I am lying to her telling her that I don't talk to my ex anymore while lying to my ex telling her that I was not with the girl in the picture. This week she found another picture of us and I lied to her again... she doesn't believe me and rightfully so. We aren't talking anymore but I never told her the truth when we were talking...

At this point I realized the direction my life had gone... My current situation I am with a girl in Texas that I have lied to that neither one of us are solid Christians if at all. I still am dating that girl that I kissed when I was with my ex and I just stopped talking to my ex who I lied to until the end... I had prayed the week before that God would help me come clean no matter what it took again. That may have been his answer that she found out but I still lied in the end. I had lied to my family, friends, girls, and girlfriends.... What has my life come to???? I prayed for God's help! I cry and I never cry about anything! I have never told anyone these details... I never dreamed of becoming this person! I want to get my life on track with God... I am lost! I am ashamed of myself and for hurting the people I hurt. I don't know where to start. My life feels empty and I need God and His mercy. Anyone with advice or counseling I could really use some support! I appreciate anyone who contacts me. I wish I could offer the same but don't think I am in any position to help anyone else. Just don't do what I have done! THANK YOU!

[dema]

What is a Christian? One who accepts that Jesus died for our sins and that God raised Him from the dead and professes that Jesus is Lord.

You are saved because of what Jesus did for you, not because of what you did for him.

All sin and come short of the glory of God.

Read about David and Solomon. David had hundreds of wives and concubines and murdered a man out of lust. And yet God continually used him and he was described in the Bible as a man after God's own heart.

Does that make it right? No. David's first child with Bathsheba died as a punishment for their sin. David murdered - remember?

Jesus died for our sin. We are forgiven. We are righteous through him.

When we are saved, we profess Jesus as Lord. That means as your superboss.

I personally believe that:

1. The worst thing about sin is allowing it to separate you from God. David went right back to God. And he had a relationship all through his life, all through the life filled with sexual sin. Go to God. Over and over and over. Don't let the sin separate you from God. You will sin. We all will. Keep going back to God.

2. I think that people spend too much time thinking about not doing bad instead of about doing good. I think doing good outstrips not doing bad. I think that too many people are looking at the speck in your eye instead of looking at the fact that the Bible says not to judge a bezillion times and all they seem to be doing with their lives is trying to mop up other people's specks. Get your mind on serving God. Get your mind on loving others. I believe God cares a lot more about relationships than about anything else. When Jesus was asked what was important, he said to Love God and to Love your neighbor as yourself. He didn't talk about the other things. He said love.

3. Love yourself. You will never quit sinning. The particular sins will change. You need to love yourself where you are. Right now. Yes, you should strive to be the best that you can be. But love yourself now. As you are. God does. Jesus died for your sins, just as you are.

4. Do NOT marry to legalize sex. I did that and it is a bad, bad idea. Far worse to break a promise than to have sex outside of marriage.

5. Go to God, go to God, go to God. Don't let guilt and blame keep you from God. God will change you in the order he thinks is most important. If you let him.

About your lying and running to other girls. I think that there is something that you need to find and confront. A hurt. A belief. If you want to PM me, I can ask you questions. Counselling would be better. There is a reason you are doing this. You need to find it.

[dema]

PS. The Law was about rules. Jesus came and made it simple. Love God, love man. Simple. We need to keep track of that.

[Lani]

Hey Derrick

Welcome once again It truly was a blessing to meet ya in chat tonight and I pray you will continue to seek His guidance.

For starters.... I would suggest:
http://www.christianityoasis.com/CCCC/Forum.htm

To get ya on the Path toward healing; this will help you uncover truth and grow closer to God.

We will talk again soon bro, but for now... I'll leave ya with Step 1 to consider and I pray you take it!

Prayers are rising

Peace n Luv in Christ,
Lani