? I appologize

[killingMEsoftly]

Well I think that I am kicking my terrible eating habits for the most part....but....I think I've just replaced any stress eating, etc with vodka. That's probably not better but I like it so far. Well, not actually because I know I'm screwing myself up more but it helps right nw.
I'm so weak, anytinme anything get difficult I would eat and sometimes I would have a drink or a few. Now I've left out the food and I"m just begginging to drink. I've been a little drunk almost every night for almost a week now. I know this is a problem but I'm liking it for now. It makes me temporarily feel better and if all I can get is temporary then I'll take it, so poor me some more vodka and sprite.
God this is such a pathetic cry for help isn't it. I suppose deep down I'm afraid of developing a problem with alcohol but hey I wouldn't be able to afford it anyway
I don't even know why I'm on here or why I'm talking. What was my point again?...
Ya know I type surprisingly well for being drunk ha

[vahn]

Welcome aboard the Oasis ... and ... the world of addiction

My name is vahn , and I am an alcoholic and an addict ... among other things .... (did the wall slam shut yet ? )

A statement you made in your post that I would , if it was me , replace it for the title you used for this thread , and then again , you're not me right ? Nor am I you ? .... well here's a good news/bad news , we are BOTH alike .

Statement/Title

"temporarily feel better"

How about we first , try to break down that statement (for in my view it holds a key) - but before we do that , let me interject a well documented statement from a prominent doctor of his time who specialized in the disease of alcoholism/addiction , and who was very instrumental in the forming of the 12 steps of recovery and subsequently , Alcoholics Anonymous - through which millions have recovered and/or are still recovering .

The doctor states , "Men and women essientially, drink for the EFFECTS that alcohol produces" , we may at this time sudstitute the word alcohol with anything else we are "obsessed" with , or addicted to .

What is this "EFFECT" the doctor is talking about ? ... well , it doesn't take a geniuous to figure it out huh ? ....temporarily feel better .

Ok , back to the break-it-down part , lets just , for the heck of it , go backward with it .... FEEL BETTER . Is it , "Well I feel good already , let me feel better ? " of course not right ? for we have established the "temporary" part of it , so scratch that ... Feel better establishes a fact that where we are NOT feeling up to par about something or other that we have absolutely no clue of what it is -(the reason we have so many "explanations" for)- and we are resorting to other , external means of trying to erradicate said "feeling" .... Headache + Aspirin = Headache gone ... Aspirin don't work ? ... Ok , Tylanol ... oh forget it man , gimme some Morphine , ta taaaahhh .

Bang head to forget (temporarily) about the snubbed toe ... Even if it kills us -softly -

GOD ... "What does God have to do for something personal as this ?" I said , when I was first told of the Solution . They told me " Yes , this addiction of yours is VERY personal , the problem with you is that , with your effort(s) to try to "lick" this on your own , you neglected to make God personal "

We often leave our "issues" here , and go to God there . We need to bring God to where the problem is , He doesn't like problems , and wham .... problem gone .

But first , we need to find out what is it (inventory) that we're bringing God TO .



Luv ya
In Christ , our Lord
vahn

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Hello KMS
I first must tell you I tried 3 times before this to write this and it would take me away from the message so that tells me what I wanted to say to you is important enough that satan didn't want me to tell you HA!!!! God's stronger
Ok anyways first I want to say PLEASE listen to and talk with our brother Vahn he IS a very wise soul especially on the subject of your problem.
Next I eat what I want and it is catching up to me in my age BUT by the grace of our God he took the alcohol away and I know it was a blessing He did because I more than likely would not be here today, I hate the lbs I have gained, I was 60 lbs lighter ALL my life and now I can't do anything without breathing hard or struggling to get it done BUT I would not trade it for alcohol under NO circumstances.
You see many years ago my mother was hospialized due to alcohol and the doctors gave up...they said they did all they could do BUT my mother prayed to God that day to take it from her and she would NEVER touch another drop....that was 20 some years ago.....my mother is still alive today and alcohol free.
Next I had a older brother that also struggled with alcohol, in and out of the hospitals and even died once and was brought back only to go back to the alcohol every time and he didn't know God either.....He died at the age of 32 from strangling on his on blood from a ruptured esophigus..sorry but I wanted you to see the pain it caused.
I HATED alcohol with a passion.....but I got lonely and started hanging out in the bars.....just to shoot pool mind you then just the koolaid flavored drinks to be social, fuzzy navals then hairy navals then tequila sunrises to......straight tequila shots.....a fifth at a time and got to the point I would put down a whole bottle and walk out of the bar like I hadn't even drank
I saw the drama and damage it was causing in my life and asked the Lord to take it.......that was about 10-12 years ago and I have not touched it since, almost fell once but God pulled me away from it then as well
It was killing my mother as well as me and DID kill my brother, Again I hate the lbs I gained but I wouldn't trade them for a bottle ever!
I have seen MANY beautiful women with a little extra lbs.....BUT I have not seen too many beautiful drunk women.
PLEASE be one of those in the first group, go to God and ask for His guidence through this trial as well as His strength
I pray you will not be offended by my words BUT this is something I again have come to hate....alcohol!
Please do not allow it to destroy your life as it did my brother and MANY other poor souls that couldn't get away from it quick enough.
May God give you the strength and will to put this down and may He wrap His loving arms around you and protect you from ever having to deal with it again.

[killingMEsoftly]

Thank you both for responding and caring. I'm just at an odd spot with my boyfriend right now and that's part of why I'm drinking. There are other things but that's the main thing on my mind at the moment. And I feel the Lord pulling, that's why I got back on this site...but I just am not ready yet I guess to totally go to him again, to get back my relationship with him, to allow him to heal me. I don't know. I'm going to try though.

[vahn]

Hello again

Glad of your dicission coming back . I hope I am not being too "pushy" , just in case I am , I apologize in advance , for that is not my intent . My only intent is that I be of utmost service to my fellow sufferers , for it is through them that I see God's Mighty work in progress .

Our downhill slide happens way before the actual slip , or "trip" if you may . In your case , of the immediate concern , "being at odds with boyfriend" . Something along the lines , some-thing went awry , without our being aware of it , and because of the fact we had no knowledge , it was not dealt with at the time and natuarally it started to snow-ball , and here we are .

Our job today would be , is to find out what or where that "thing" that started the snow-balling process is . Quite naturally , in order for us to take the task with successful results (in truth) , we need first , a clear mind . Now don't get me wrong , I am NOT saying you MUST , or that we need to start RIGHT AWAY , all I am doing is give the "theory" , the when and why is all up to you . But let me give you a bit of a "catch" . If we were to tackle this "sober" , as in clear mind devoid of mind altering influences (whatever they may be) , we may , or may not get the old "flame" back to normalcy , 50/50 chance , no promises . BUT , however , if we continue on with the "SAME" mind , we have ZERO chance (for it had already started the spiral) .

Willingness is key . All we need is , to be willing to give it a shot ... what we got to lose . If it dont work , we can always go back to where we were right ? ... free of charge .


Luv ya
In Christ , our Lord

[realtmg]

Hi,
There has been wisdom given from the above post...........Thanks
Not much more to add other than until one put God FIRST in their lives; they will never have Peace.
Glad your back and may God's will be done in your life.
HE gives us choices to make. We just have to Choose.

GBU!


Real

[killingMEsoftly]

Well I haven't drank anything since this past weekend, like Fri. or Sat.
I wouldn't have yet called myself a drunk because it was only a week that I was steadily drinking. But I suppose that doesn't matter...specially since it's only been three or four days since I've drank and I think about it almost constantly. I'm trying to ignore it though.
I've never been addicted to drinking or smoking or drugs before but I think that the only reason I haven't been is because I've simply been too terrified to allow myself to go that far. Because I know that's not what I want for myself but also because anytime that I've done these things, I've liked them and didn't entirely care if I became addicted and destroyed myself. I also was terrified of the person I would become, what might be unleashed from within me. Was so scared that I would never come back. I'd be lost to it and it would kill me.
Like one weekend about two years ago...hanging out with my cousin and her friends (which was not a good crowd). We got drunk and took some pills (I don't remember what), went out to the club then came back and smoked some joints and snorted some coke. Was the first time I had taken pills and did coke...and I liked it. Or how it made me feel I guess but because of that I ran away from it. I knew that I would go back for more and then I'd be hooked.
But I quit trying to run from the liquor. Started drinking more and more and well you know how that's going as of now.
I just wish I could go back to when I was very young and the only thing I was addicted to was focusing on God.

[vahn]

Well first and foremost , let me say I am glad you decided to come back .

Reading your last post , my mind is singing "Ah the sweet sounds of my past" .

I can't tell you of your situation just because of the fact that I don't know what situation is , and that I can only go by with what you are saying . And what you ARE saying , sound all too familiar to me , I almost said the very same thing(s) , " I don't have a problem" , and you know ? , to a certain extent it was true . I didn't have a problem with how people around me felt about my behaviours , I didn't have a problem with losing three or four days off of my memory bank ... so on and so forth .... No problem (that is , as long as I had a drink in my hand , or a straw stuck up my nose , or a needle puncturing my vein , any thing that would get me out of my head and what was going on in it , I had no problem with it ) Those were my thoughts some hundred years ago , and I dont even have a clue what happened through half of them , all I know , is that , after going to hell and back , somebody scoop me up from an alley somewhere half-way across this world from where I was supposed to be .

Why am I telling you all this ... # 1 , out of appreciation to you to remind me of where I was . # 2 , In hopes that what I have to say will save you a couple of decades of the utter hell that I had to go through , and , # 3 , (which actually should be # 1 ) Is because I owe it to my Lord to look after His Children , and you my dear sister , are one of those children that Christ died for .

This "addiction" of ours is NONE of our fault , just as diabetes is the diabetics fault , so , there is absolutely NOTHING to either be ashamed , afraid , or feel less than any other soul that walks on this planet of ours .

See , all I have , is an ALLERGY , I'm allergic to drugs and alcohol . Some eat strawberries , and because of their allergic reaction , they break out in hives and rashes . In my case , I take a drug or a drink , and because of my allergic reaction to them , I break out in hand-cuffs and felonies !!! , the only difference between me and the strawberry sufferer is that , the other sufferer stops eating strawberries , but I , on the other hand , ask for more of it !! Why ? ... why do I do that ?
Well , besides the physical allergy , that when I take a drink , I can't stop , or when I did stop I couldn't STAY stopped for any period of time ( like say , 20 minutes?) but , what I also had was , a mental obsession with the drink and the drug ... "when I wasn't drinking , I was thinking about drinking , and when I was thinking about drinking , life stood still , nothing else mattered , it became unmanagable until the stuff was in my system and then ..... I didn't care !! .... No problem !!!


Luv ya
In Christ , our Lord

[killingMEsoftly]

Vagn I thank you for sharing
I got on here just now because I keep thinking about getting a drink. So I figured instead of going and grabbing that drink, I'd get on here and talk through it or whatever. I don't want to be this person...who runs to the bottle anytime I feel less than great. And to get on here and read your comment helps
Right now my situation is that I'm sort of in a waiting period with my boyfriend. We've been together for a year and for that year we worked on me. He's helped me so much with a lot of my issues and pushed me to talk and get things out and let him in. And I have. Not completely but I have.
But now the tables have turned. Because even though he nudged his way into me, he hasn't let me into him for the most part. He hasn't ever let anyone in. He finds it very difficult to talk about the dark things inside of him. And it's just time. I'm trying to help him, talk to him and just be there for him. I've told him that I will wait as long as it takes and work as hard as I have to with him to make progress. And right now he's just at a point of trying to deal with himself and figure out how to talk to me and let me, if he even can. He's just very 'in his head' and stressed out. He's always 'in his head' though. But right now he's just in a difficult place I guess. He even said today that no, he's not ok. And that in itself is why I want to drink right now. I'm just so worried for him. I'm worried for 'us' as well, of course but pretty much I'm just concerned for him. I'm scared that he's going to go further into himself and be totally lost...and he's already too far...
I prayed last night. I haven't actually really prayed in a while. And I prayed for him. He really needs it. We both do I suppose but I just don't know what else I can do for him right now than to make sure he knows that I'm here when he's ready, and to pray for him.
At the first of the year something changed. Like literally I felt God just move something. We both felt it. Something shifted and we felt that there was a pull. That new things were to come. And since then, we've been getting into dealing with things that we either have ignored or forgotten or didn't know were there or whatever. And it's been hard. It is hard. I'm trying to lean on God and fall back into his hold and hoping and trying to encourage my boyfriend to do the same.
I guess we're stuck at the moment, not sure where to go or what to do or how, etc.

[vahn]

Haven't heard from you awhile ... Hope all is well .


In Christ , our Lord

[realtmg]

Am in agreement with vahn.

[killingMEsoftly]

Thank you guys and I am ok

Haven't had anything to drink except for a couple small mixed drinks at the club with my friends. Except for the weekend before this one past, we went to the club and got pretty drunk.
But, thinking about my situation and having nothing to do and not drinking...I keep thinking of cutting. I've done it a number of times before and I keep looking at my latest scars wanting to create new ones.
I know it isn't good and I know I shouldn't do it. I know that I don't actually want to. I just try not to entertain those thoughts and keep myself occupied doing other things.
I'm trying to change my mindset about...well pretty much everything ...because my mind is off about almost everything. I'm trying to convince myself that I can be happy and that I can take steps to making that happen. I can allow myself to be comfortable and content and happy. I'm trying to convince myself that I deserve it and that I am at least worth giving it a shot. I'm trying to convince myself to be confident and that I'd be right for being confident.
I was about to say that all my life I've not ever had any confidence and that I've been in this bubble of mine but that isn't true. When I was a kid I used to actually be the opposite. I was much more expressive and I didn't even think of what other people might be thinking of me. I was just me. But as I think about it, it all changed around a certain time...after the molestation's and my brother dying...All of this happened very close together and my brother's passing was what pushed me over the edge you could say.
That's where it all began. After all of that I reserved into myself, was negative and depressed all the time, gained weight because I ate my feelings, started to not care about myself, convinced myself that I wasn't worth anything and that I didn't matter and didn't deserve anything good. It doesn't make sense yet for me it makes total sense, yet I couldn't quite explain it if I tried.
It didn't help that my mother has always had basically the same mindsets and so she sort of passed some of that onto me. She had her mindsets though because of my father who abused her in about every way possible and he convinced her of all of these things. It also didn't help that my other brother and sister were never around, they were out running the streets. I never really had any good examples close to me or anyone to really lean on. And my father, well even when I got to see him, he wasn't 'there'. And my mother spent a lot of time passing her grudges against my father onto me. I've let go of them now for the most part...but all this crap just messed me up. I know my childhood certainly wasn't the worst. And for what my mother had to go through, she did an amazing job bringing us up and gave us the best she could. I'm thankful for the life I had and the family I was given, but those things, just really screwed me up in the head.
And I know that things take time, I won't just suddenly get over it all and let go and be new and better at the snap of a finger. But I feel like I could have made much more progress by now if I had ever really tried. I was just to scared to ever actually deal with anything. I didn't want to drudge it all up and relive how it all made me feel, didn't want to be emotional. I'm so tired of crying, I can't tell you. I know it's a good thing a lot of the time but I do it so much, I'm just tired of crying. And I especially never wanted to share everything with anyone else because I didn't want them to be able to get into me and be able to hurt me, and because I didn't want to unload my burdens on anyone. I know that I can lay them at the feet of Jesus...but everytime that I have, I've picked them back up. I can't let go and I don't know why. I want to start trying though...really trying. I want to pick it all apart and go through it...deal with it and then throw it out and be done with it. I'm not sure that I even know how to do that though.
Pray to begin with I guess huh? ....wow, I've written a lot. Guess I was in a writing/sharing mood. And I suppose I better just post before I change my mind and go through and edit.