Constant picker

[killingMEsoftly]

I have a strange addictive behavior. I feel stupid for it a lot of the time but I can't help it.

I pick...I pick at my skin almost constantly. I do have some acne and have had since I was young but it was never bad...except that I always made it bad because I would incessantly pick at every little blemish, pimple, etc. My face has scarring now because of it as well as my shoulders, back and chest. I pick and create sores, which I then also pick at. I also am always picking at my fingernails and I constantly pop my knuckles and anything else that will pop multiple times a day. And if I'm not picking, I'm eating.

It makes me look terrible and feel even worse. It's just one of the ways that I sort of self destruct...
I even noticed a pattern a while back that I would mainly pick my face right at the weekend. Because I knew we'd go out or have people over or whatever so it's like I would do it then to make sure that I felt even worse in front of people. And to make sure that all they saw was the terrible outside so that they would never look any deeper.
I'm trying to work through my issues but I honestly don't know how to stop doing this. I've struggled with it since I can remember and it truly makes me sad.
I read about Borderline Personality Disorder which I felt I fit pretty well into, and one of the things of people with BPD is that they pick at themselves. It made me feel better to read that, to know that I wasn't alone. But what do I do about it? I guess I can only keep taking it day by day and try to work through the issues that cause me to do it, and hopefully once I let things go I'll quit.

[Mackenaw]

Hello Killingmesoftly

God bless you this day.

Firstly, I want to comment on your name, because it is a title of a Song, recorded by Roberta Flack (and a few others over the years) that is one of my favorite songs. Woooooohoooooo!!!

We all have some odd behaviors, many of them destructive, that we have adopted over the years. I think it all stems from a desire to fit in. Most of us have wanted, at some time or another, to fit in to the "norm", and if we don't, then the desire can go beyond wanting to fit into the norm to fitting into the "select few" -- those beautiful people that the world has deemed and set the standards for. Eeeuuuwwww!!!

Well, we don't fit in. God's children have been separated out. But, we're still here, and we carry all this baggage with us. God desires that we be free of all that baggage, and free from the desires that make us want to fit in to the worldly norm.

Attention seeking is one way that Satan works his deception. First he sets us up so we feel left out, then he will use that feeling of loneliness to open the door to further false beliefs of deception and destruction.

Firstly, we are NOT alone. God is ever present with us. Secondly, God separated us out. There is a big difference between being separated out vs. being left out.

We all get blemishes. Some do have more blemishes than others, and it is no different than some of us have oilier hair than others. It does not make us any less in God's eyes. Soooooo, it's time for us to look through the eyes of God, instead of our own. Our physical eyes have been trained by the world. Sooooooo, it's time to retrain our eyes.

You have mentioned you don't like to be around people. And, you have also mentioned you purposely pick at your skin, so others will notice. Sadly, that is for attention...a tool of Satan. You, my dear, have been "played" and/or "punked" by the enemy of our souls. Now, don't let that make you feel worse, because as Jesus said to Peter "...satan wishes to sift you like wheat..." in other words, all of us have the same enemy, and he is very crafty and very sneaky, and ALL of us have been played or punked by the enemy.

BUT, GOOD NEWS!!! we have Almighty God on our side, and He desires us to be healed. Thank You Jesus!!!

Hebrews 12:12 (NIV) Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. "Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

Thank You Jesus for the healing that is coming forth for Killingmesoftly. May God's blessed and perfect will be done.

Prayers continue to rise to our Lord in the name of Jesus, on your behalf.

God bless and keep you.
Love,
Sister Mack

[killingMEsoftly]

It is one of my favorite songs as well, the original and no other

And thanks for your response. I suppose it makes sense that it's for attention, but I don't know how it's for wanting to fit in. Because I do it for negative attention, so that I don't fit in. So that I'm not noticed. I'm getting over that part though, any more I don't care if I'm noticed or not, or for what reasons. I'm getting more comfortable in my own skin, yet I just can't stop picking at my own skin.

As far as being around other people, I actually love being around other people. I'm just usually very awkward with new people and it takes a long while for me to be comfortable with anyone. Yet once I do get to a certain level of comfort, it doesn't go any further than that because I keep everyone at a distance. I can't be around people too long or too often.

I do believe though regardless of any of these issues, Christ can help me get passed it all and find healing. But there again I have an issue because I'm not entirely turning back to him yet...just sort of leaning on other people who know him.
Like I'm trying to get close again, but not too close...like I'm standing at the back of a crowd with Jesus at the front of it, getting within view of Him but not able to touch.