The Healing Path

[calebsmom77]

O.k. So just getting some thoughts out here, writing more for myself than anything I guess. Been thinking a whole lot about this healing path thing ya'll keep telling me about. I have been dragging my feet and dragging my feet to start this. Why? Well, honestly....afraid of failure. Sounds quite dumb I suppose. I have tried so many things to try and make things better. Nothing seems to work. Been through counseling, been in the hospital more times than I can remember (I know, anyone reading this probably thinks I am some kind of nut case), been on anti-depressants and I keep ending up back in this same spot. I wonder why that is. I guess if I were honest, I know that it is just another attack from the enemy. Just when things were really looking up, getting my life back on track with God, getting involved with serving others through my church and finally understanding that God CAN and STILL DOES love me in spite of how horribly I screwed up. What a huge step towards healing. Only a couple months ago, I was absolutely TERRIFIED to die! I was sure that I had messed up so badly that there was no way that I could possibly still have a place up there in Heaven. I can not even describe what that fear was really like. I could not sleep at all. Then it was amazing! God started speaking to me through the pastor. He didn't at the time know what was going on. Every sermon that he has preached for the last couple months has dealt exactly with what I was struggling with, questioning for the week. Somehow, yet again this last week it was like he was just talking directly to me and no one else in the room. I know that I know that I am called to be in the ministry. And yes, once again I am ABLE to BELIEVE that God can use me! It has taken a little longer. In fact I have lost about 10 years of my life, but through the terrible mistakes I have made, God can now use me in a different way. I know that the relapse of this anorexia and bulimia and the depression are all attacks from the enemy! Funny how this all hit again while things were just beginning to go so well. Well, I have lots more things to say, lots more thoughts, but the baby just woke up.

[Dora]

Good to hear you are a bit stronger.

How old is the baby? Caleb is worth living for hu? All the smiles and hugs. All the times you get to wash his tiny little feet while he splashes in the bubbly bath tub. The laughter. The excitement over something as small as climbing the ladder to the slide for the first time all by himself. But to him that is not small. It's huge and he will want to share it with you. The bumps and bruises. The tears and joys. The driving him to his games and cheering from the stands. The first. First day of school, First day of Jr.High, first girl friend, first heart break. Caleb will need you for a lot of things. You'll be the one he looks for when he make a home run, a touch down, when he is on stage getting his high school diploma, when he gets that letter in the mail saying he was accepted into the college he wanted. As a parent who just watched her baby graduate high school, and as one who struggles with thoughts of ending ones own life, I would like to say to you sister, stay strong, Life is worth the living. He has a plan for you. Don't give up. Don't ever give up. You'll leave a legacy to Caleb to take the easy way out no matter how much it hurts another. And you wouldn't want him to one day follow that path. Suicide leaves those who are left behind with a hole in their life and a hole in their hearts and many years of wondering why and what if's. That may seem harsh, but sometimes we need a harsh word to hang onto just to get us through one more day with out committing. It is not Gods will for you to end your life early. So then the thoughts must come from someone who wants you out of this world. Why? Because you are a threat to his evil plan. Stay strong. Stay alive.

Love you!

[calebsmom77]

My lil Dan will be two in just a few days and Caleb just turned 7 in March. Thank you both for your encouraging words.

Can't sleep once again. It is almost 2:30 in the am. All I can do is sit here and listen to my worship music and try to escape the misery. It don't seem to be working to well tonight. As I sit here drowning in my little world of misery and pain, Don comes in here to complain about how he can't sleep either and how is blood sugar is so low. It makes me mad. I am supposed to feel sorry for him, yet he couldn't care less about me. He is supposed to care. I should be able to run to him, but no. He just yells at me and cusses at me and tells me to move to Kentucky, because he is sick of me being depressed. I have no one to turn to. For some reason they seem to think that going to a counselor once a week is gonna solve everything. What comfort is there in dumping your problems on someone who only listens because they are paid to? Do they really think that talking to someone for one hour out of a week is gonna help? What about the rest of the time when I have no one to turn to? I am so sick of being alone, feeling like no one in the world cares. I want out of this, an escape from the hurt, the pain, the depression.
GOD, please get me out of this! Please me, save me from this, please! Why aren't you helping me? Where are you? I know that you have the power to just take this all away, so why aren't you? I know that you love me, but I just don't understand the meaning of all of this. Please come quickly to my rescue! I am begging you to me! Please send me someone that I can trust, someone I can talk to when I feel like I can't take it no more. I can't do this by myself and honestly I am sick of sitting here talking to a dumb computer. I guess that is it for now God. I hope to hear from you soon

[Dora]

Hearing your cry for help from the Lord reminds me of David in Psalms. He begged God just as you are. Then he began to praise God.

Praise is the key to getting through this. Praise is the key to get out of your depression.

Worship Him in spirit and in truth.

Do you have the gift of tongues? Speak to Him in tongues every day. Even if it's five minutes. Let your inner being speak to Him. That deep deep part of you that longs to connect to Him. Not just your mouth, but every part of you. Get deep into your worship. Praise Him while tending to your children. Let your children hear you praising Him day and night.

Sing to Him. Angels love to be near worship of God. The enemy can't stand it. Let your mouth sing praises to Him, even when you feel like crawling in a hole and never being found again. Especially when you feel like crawling in a hole and never being found again.

Lift up your arms and thank Him from the inner most part of your soul. Dance around the room in worship of Him. Even if you can't dance. Invite Him to dance with you. Invite your children to dance for Jesus with you. In the midst of suffering dance, sing, rejoice, because it releases from you the problem and puts it in the hands of God.

God loves you dear sister. And btw, on the other side of that stupid computer is real people who love you and pray for you. People wishing we could sit down and talk one on one with you and pray with you and cry with you. Laughing at stupid computer. And I understand greatly!!

Lord Jesus come and fill calebsmoms house. Lift her spirit. Give her a joy and a peace that can only come from you. Fill her to the full. Surround her and her children with your angels. Let there be a spirit of praise with in that home. Help her to dance in her time of sorrow. Because you are God. Make straight her paths. Touch her husbands heart and melt it, soften it, set right what is wrong with in this marriage. In Jesus name. Amen

Love you!