Can't shake the urge or the guilt

[JTucker801]

I can't shake this feeling of guilt and shame, lusting for affection. The last four years of my 5 year marriage, which is now coming to an end, have been filled with rejection, her manipulative ways, emotional abuse, and total lack of affection, which has driven me to porn. I've been trying to break free for a year, but can't seem to. Nothing I can do about losing my marriage, but I do not want to lose my relationship with God. What do I do?

[Christnundrconstruxn]

First let me welcome you to Oasis
next yes there is something you can do about your marriage...Pray, ask that He does His will and be prepared for what it is because it might be what you want but a very long hard road or it might be what you don't want just remember He knows what's best
I read your post and it sounded like me a little over a year ago, but I now accept where God has lead me sadly it was not reuniting with my wife but we remain friends and I pray almost daily still that He will see that BOTH us be given happiness.
As for losing your relationship with God that's all up to you, your not going to lose it unless you turn away from Him because no matter what you do or have done He loves you and will NOT forsake you, I know you feel dirty and unworthy of Him and His love....I have a news flash for you.......we are ALL dirty and unworthy but He loves us unconditionally
continue to go to Him and ask that He deliver you from this and if you fail GET BACK UP AND DO IT AGAIN!!
in the last year I have learned that is what I need to do and will continue to do until I WIN this battle with satan
read this book (I DO NOT READ) and I read it from cover to cover and HIGHLY recomend it
EVERY MAN'S BATTLE
and this verse
1 corinthians 10:13
and do the counseling pages on here (I highly recomend them also)
just remember you are NOT alone brother and you can message me ANYTIME
your brother in Christ
God bless
Christnundrconstruxn (Cuc)

[JTucker801]

@Christnundrconstruxn

Thank you for the welcome. I have prayed about my marriage and whatever God decides to do, over the last month, I have been emotionally preparing for it by observing my wife whiile at work (we work together at a post office). I've noticed quite a few disturbing things about her view and treatment of me in general, as well as the way she treats my son. I remember what was said to me by our bishop after a counseling session, about my growth and her not being able to handle it. After sitting at Jesus' feet for a while, I've noticed that I'm able to focus more on taking care of my home. Every now and then, my temptations feel as though they are too much, but I talk myself out of it by speaking the word, as well as running to it.
My wife is still on the path towards divorce. I have talked with my pastor about my issues and my marriage, and he has encouraged me to be strong enough to focus on taking care of my son. It still hurts, but not nearly as much as it does knowing that my marriage decision was a rash one made without discernment. It wasn't pornography that ruined my marriage. It was my wife's hard heart and issues she brought in from her past relationships and precious marriage. My part in it was allowing my sense of self to be lost when she verbally bashed me for not fulfilling her superficial expectations.

I didn't want to turn to porn at all. I wanted to work things out, but the outright rejection from my wife drove me there. And after being separated, whenever I missed my wife, I found myself using it trying to replace her in my sadness over our separation. I know that God will not step on my wife's will to give me what I want. I'm not mad at God over it, even though I miss her. I get depressed thinking that if we just worked it out, maybe things would have gotten better. So each day, I pray that God will help me keep my focus on Him, my purpose, my home and my son. Deep inside, I have this feeling that no matter what I do, she won't change her mind, and like you said, God knows best. If he has said no to my request, I believe better things are ahead for me.

I thank you for the offer of support and I will definitely need it. I will have to look on the boards for the counseling pages. In the meantime, I have one of the church Deacons, who is also my friend and prayer partner helping me in terms of prayer, accountability, and support. Considering my financial situation, I'm not about to purchase the book as of yet, but I do have it listed as a purchase goal from a place where it would not hurt my budget. I will read that scripture and put a copy of it in my journal.

[akita777]

It's good to see you reaching out to get help for your porn addiction . I too was lost in pornography for most of my life. I finally ended up going to a Christian group called Faithful and True at the church I attended at that time. I hope and will be praying that you find a similar group in your area for this problem. There is something very special about being in a group with other guys that share your same pain and guilt and and everything else that comes with a porn addiction.

I spent 3 years in that group and now have been porn free for the last 6 years. The Lord still does heal people, even from the hardest of sins to overcome.

One thing you mentioned is that your wife drove you to porn because of her not being affectionate toward you. I hope you can hear this with the love and respect I so desire.

You having a porn addiction is NOT your wife's fault. Being a sex addict goes much, much deeper than that. I would encourage you to get some counseling on this issue and to seek out a group you can get involved with. At this point the marriage may fail but all you can do is take care of your side of the road so to speak. Pray for your wife and get well in the meantime......Hang in there, there is freedom from this I can attest to it.

In Christ,

Steve