Tam's Journal.....Tragedy to Triumph

[Tam]

Hi Please allow me to introduce myself. My Name is Tammy and I am addicted to food. I eat when I am happy, when I am sad, mad, glad, hungry, not hungry. I eat just to eat. If I get bored I start looking for food! is like my favorite food. The rice the pasta all of it. I love chinese. When at work I leave for lunch and usually go to McDonalds across the highway because it is close. The kids want Pizza....sure why not!!!! Hotdogs....could eat my weight into them . No I can not eat just one. Let hubby grill them and I am walking by the pan all day getting a hotdog and eat it! Think you get the picture here. I LIKE FOOD. Don't like sweets to much at all so I guess that is a plus.
Ok ...so why do I eat all the wrong foods? Because they are usually better tasting than all the healthy stuff and they are more convient. Easy to have take out. Yes I guess I am lazy! I know I should get off the couch and out from behind this computer and exercise but that takes to much work. Know what I mean?
Okay seriously....let me be serious for a minute. When I was little like until about 8 my parents use to fuss because they could not find clothes to fit me. They were all to big. I remember my dad saying you need to put some meat on your bones. Eat. We would sit down at dinner to eat and if we didn't clean our plates we got beat. So ..yes you guessed it..I cleaned my plate most of the time.
Then as I started gaining weight...it just never stopped. Then I had to deal with all the comments...Are you eatting that? I would walk in a room and my dad would look at me and go MOOOOOOOOOO or what a face what a figure, to more legs you'd look like trigger. Then I would hear all the comments that you are fat, you need to go on a diet. How much fatter are you going to get. So you can imagine......Food then became a comfort for me. So needless to say...now I am overweight and stuck with it. I try to diet I gain weight. I try to eat right and have no support. There are days when the eating gets old and then I will go thru phases of not eating also. I can go days and just drink water and not eat. Even in doing that I still don't lose any weight. I have tried everything that I know and have always ended up failing at all I try where my weight is concerned. When that happens then you go through the cycle of I am such a loser, such a failure, so then Guess What.....Bring on the food because it is eating time again!!!!!
But all that is going to change. My body does not belong to me....it belongs to HIM! I am HIS temple and it is time that I start acting and looking like it.
I could go on and on forever but I will not bore you with my stories. I am going to allow HIM to start a change in me with my eating habits.

My goals are to eat nothing fried and begin to find the triggers that make me want to eat. Once I find those triggers...I can begin to change this and get a grip on it and begin to lose weight. Another goal is to get my lazy butt off the couch and begin moving.
With the help of my Father and my friends here...I can go from Tragedy to Triumph!!!!!

[Tam]

Ok so on Thursday I had..........

3 nabs and water for breakfast....didn't really want that, was blue
chicken sandwich from dollar menu and a large sprite at Wendys.....starving and nervous
fully loaded fries, chili cheese dog after the dr. at 1:30 and a Large Sprite left overs from Wendys---Very depressed
no dinner....just a bottle of water and all my meds ...new and old.

Very down after Dr. visit. I hate medicine and he put me on more meds for my neck. Me having to take medicine to stay out of pain totally stinks!!!!!!
I don't like this and I totally regret having this surgery done. Would have rather eventually been paralysed. I know that sounds stupid but that is how I feel. I was having NO pain before surgery.....just semi paralyzed on one side. Now I had the stinking surgery done and I hurt all the time. Why did I have to be so stupid? Why did everyone push me to have the surgery? I know would I like some cheese with that whine? I will stop whining and figure out what I can do to make things better and TRUST HIM!!!!


So I got up this morning and got the kids out the door to school and I had a orange and some water. Didin't want that but sugar is going haywire because I am not eating so I had to so something. Here I am sitting at work and dreading lunch at the moment. Ugh. Chewing on a piece of gum (sugarfree) just to have something in my mouth.
That is all I have to enter right now....will update here as the day progresses.
OKay....My goal for today is to just get through today. New meds are gonna stink...a side effect is depression and I am already on a med for depression...Dr. told me to watch that closely and if it got bad, we would have to change it but this is the best medicine for my neck. I am darned if I do or darned if I don't!!! So what do I do?
Until later......................
Ok 10:00 tthis morning I just had to go across the parking lot to the store and get a Sprite..while there I got a 1.70oz bag of cheese Combos, Why because they were there. I took them back to the office and ate them but am sipping on my sprite.
Was I hungry, no don't think so...just seen them hang on the shelf and didn't think I could do without them. Was I feeling anything no....boss and I were talking about the home show that we have to do tonight and the fact that I will not get off until about 9:30 tonight. That is a 13 1/2 hour day. OUCH!!!! Scared about how my body can physically handle that right now. Maybe that is why I got the combos? dunno..........
Until next time.............
Ok 12:00 today husband brought lunch to the office. I had 2 chicken wings, 3 helpings of coleslaw, 1 helping of green beans, 2 biscuits and water. My mood was happy and I was hungry.
7:00 tonight at the home show I had a hotdog, bag of baked lays and water. Then at 10:15 tonight I had a piece of chicken to take my meds with. Mood was extremely tired.
I had 1 sprite today and 3 pieces of gum.
Over all today was a good day I think.
Oops forgot to mention the 2 bite size kit kats and bite size snicker I had at the home show. Mood was serious.

[stillstanding]

((Tam)) love you, sis. darned if i eat, darned if i dont. we can do it! We can do anything thru Christ who strengthens us!

[Tam]

OK OK OK .....I know it is 12:08 and I have not posted yet. Well here it is.....
8:30 am. ...sprite and pack of nabs...mood was very tired but good.
Went to mom's to help her go through stuff to get ready to move and now on the down side.
Found pictures I had not seen in forever and things my grandmothers had given me through the years. Very sad..just wishing they were here.
11:40 ate 3 peanut butter logs. the little ones that you can get in a package like the 2 for a $1.00 packs. Yes you are right I did eat them because I was just blue and they were there.
Ok, didn't eat anything else until family went out to dinner to the local fish house. then I over ate I think.
5:00 I had 2 small bowls of cole slaw, 3 fried fish filets one hushpuppy and a very small cup of icecream and 3 glasses of water.. My mood there eating was frustrated because we can't get in the car without the kids fussing. Never can just go out and have a good time as a family. Always ends up in a fight.
So much for the goal of eating nothing fried. This is why I hate to make goals. Because even if they are reachable I still fell.
We left there and went to the store to find daughter some shoes for school. I went down the candy isle and got a bag of smarties. Knowing that I am not suppose to have them but so what! You know. So as you can tell my mood eating the smarties is who cares.
Will see what the rest of the night holds.
Ok so the rest of the night holds the fact that I ate that whole stinking bag of smarties and a pack of nabs. Drinking a bottle of water and just dreading the fact that my sugar will be out the roof tomorrow! Mood is very very blue. Gonna give it a few more days on this new med....if the blues don't leave the meds will have to and then I will just have to hurt.

[Dora]

Tam

I just found the time to read your journal.

I so can relate to the issues at the dinner table with your folks. It helped me to see a lot of stress behind my own eating. Glad you shared. I had never put two and two together before.

I love you Tam. I love you just the way you are and think you are fabulous!!!! Prayers are with you.

[Tam]

Had a sprite about 10 am today . Mood was ok
2:30 having a bottle of water. Mood is irretated and frustrated
4:30 having a bottle of water and a piece of bit-o-Honey mood...just here
6:15 having some more water mood is the same.

[stillstanding]

Love you Tam :D

<<boogeying broccoli says eat yer veggies

[Tam]

Ok Starting out today with 1/2 bottle of water. mood was a little frustrated but ok
not much to post currently. will post more as the day goes on.

[stillstanding]

[Tam]

Ok Starting out today with 1/2 bottle of water. mood was a little frustrated but ok
not much to post currently. will post more as the day goes on.
So for lunch today I had a chicken sandwich from chic filet and a small sprite at 11:30. mood was ummmm not really sure. Kinda guarded.
For dinner tonight at 6 I had a few grapes and a bottle of water. Mood was pain and trying to gain composure.
For snack about 8:30 promised hubby I would drink some chocolate milk

[Lani]

*hug5*

Thank you for sharing your journey, walkin with ya sis

Peace n Luv in Christ,
Lani

[Tam]

Ok at 6:45 for breakfast today I had a itty bitty sausage biscuit ( one of those jimmy dean 2 packers) and a glass of chocolate milk. mood was confused still.
For lunch at 12:45 I had 1/2 a turkey on wheat sandwich, snack bag chips and 10 grapes and water. Mood worried about therapy this afternoon but ok.