the fall

[stillstanding]

i have spent a lot of time in the forums - reading confessions and testimonies of hurtin hearts and the encouraging loving uplifting guiding and enlightening responses. surely the Spirit of God is in this place.

i have completed some studies, re-reading some studies, workin on other studies.

i am learning. i am growing. i am recovering.

This is the story of how I was saved and fell away

I was saved when i was 10. Praise God for calling me. Praise God for putting the circumstances in place for that to happen in His perfect timing.

I went to VBS that summer, 1979, at the church we were attending. we had always gone to church regularly when i was little. God called me at an an altar call and i answered. i went forward. they spoke to us encouragingly and said tell your parents. my parents were Christians, praise God for this. they were not living the life of a Christian at the time, but they were saved. and later in my life they would begin to learn and grow and walk as Christians. So when i told them i got saved, they were supportive.

my dad is a very smart man. he had a very unloving childhood. he decided that he would be smart to compensate for not being loved and for being bullied. that was his defense mechanism. he was an atheist, he says, though his parents were "Christians" - i dont know to what extent they were. my dad met my mom and it was the soulmate thing. my mom was raised in a methodist home and was saved. altho, she didn't have a loving accepting family either. there is a long history of abuse of multiple types on both sides of my family. they got married and since dad wanted to understand why mom believed, he wrote his own translation of the bible from the greek. and God spoke to him thru this and he was saved. \o/

when i got saved - and i dont remember if i wanted to be baptised or if my parents said i need to get baptised, but whatever. it was in this particular denomination's doctrine that you have to be baptised in water - i went with my dad to see the pastor. the pastor gave me a tract to read and sent me away with "you hafta be sure you are saved before you are baptised so go read this and come back if you are sure". well, stuff happens and i never went back. i remember feeling dejected, disheartened, disillioned...more unworthiness heaped on a child who by this time had felt so much of this stuff, it was like oh so God is like everyone else. i'm just a stupid kid to Him too, ok. no big.'

the enemy knew. he saw me go to the altar. he heard the convo with the pastor. and he fed the flames. life got harder for me for a couple years while i tried to continue to be part of church stuff. i sang in the choir, but there seems to have been always a conflict about how i would get to and from practices and stuff. But at least I had a friend. Even tho friendship wasn't something that came easy for me and most of my peers I didn't care one way or the other about. But there was a girl. And she was a friend, but she was normal' and had other friends, we grew apart. There were other friends'. I call them surface friends. Cuz I never ever let people under the surface. That's where the little girl gets hurt. Anyways, then we moved. I was about 12.

We moved from a small town to a suburb of a relatively big city. I never knew before that we were

[foreverHis]

ohh sortamorta...the pain and suffering not only from othes, but also the pain within , you will soon be gone...He is our healer.

If only you could "see" and feel the great love He has for you, Yes, He loves us all, but right now I'm feeling the love he has for you..see he sees the pain of His child, yes you strayed from Him at times, but He understands all that as well.
the only thing is this: when you have a wound on some part of our body,
when being treated for healing...it can hurt before it gets better...and we except that.
Sometimes the pain cane seem to get worse, as he heals us from within, the pain of opening up a wound...to be cleaned and treated can be hard
but remember that the darkest moment is just before day break

so at times we can give up just before our day break is just round the corner....just because the way gets too hard to bear....but hang in there at those times

you said God is faithful....yes He is, He who has begun a good work in you, will finish it.....

keep posting...and we are here any time for you, to support and help in any way we can....

[dema]

There are so many books that talk about the need to heal the past in order to be whole for the present. Most of these books are secular.

Beauty for Ashes by Joyce Meyer is a good one that is Christian.

There is a huge balance (how can you have a huge balance - giant scales holding the world?)

Anyway - it is very important to rejoice in the present, think good thoughts, study the Bible, praise God .... and do all those good Christian things. It is easy to get wrapped up in digging up bones and to not spend the minutes that need to be spent in healthy Christian growth.

But if you don't ever let that child inside of you be loved and cherished, there will be a hole. God will try to reach down into that child's heart - but you can keep her locked up away from God if you aren't careful.

Why didn't you feel loved? Were your parents distant? Did they not hold you? Did they not give you time for playdates and birthday parties? Did they hurt you or let you be hurt?

I think that if you had felt truly loved before you were 10, that you wouldn't have such a huge hole. Do you know why you didn't feel loved earlier?

Sometimes just not being touched can make a child feel unattractive and unloveable. Some adults are uncomfortable touching others - even their own children. Sometimes the reasons are a lot more dramatic.

Try to visit the itty-bitty girl inside of you. A little at a time. Don't forget the balance. But, drop in and talk to her. See when she first felt different and unloved. And try to see if you can meet that need in her now.

Do you have a support person in your life to help you through this? Have you tried counselling - that one is a road filled with deep craters. Finding a safe person is a real challenge - I think that one needs divine help to do so.

[stillstanding]

Why didn't you feel loved? Were your parents distant? Did they not hold you? Did they not give you time for playdates and birthday parties? Did they hurt you or let you be hurt?

they didnt love me. they dint hold me and snuggle me up. they were busy. they had work and stuff. i was always in the way. i was always into something and being a nuisance.

My mom, i believe, was 1) devastated from the loss of her first child a year before i was born and 2) lived what she learned from her parents - which wasn't real love but multi-conditional "i-love-you-because-i'm-your-mom" love. she was never the perfect child and so not shown real love herself. she is still very critical of others and stuck on perfection, but she tries. my dad had zero example of love to go by. His mother was a terribly mean vindictive person. she was unloved and unloving. until in her old age she spoke fondly of dad to me. Dad was afraid he would break me when i was very small and he wouldn't hold me until i was 2. he was always angry and mean and spoke to my mom like she was dirt. but he expected perfection and i tried really hard to please him but if i messed up i was an idiot and stupid. i got spanked a lot. when i was very small. i was walking at 7 months and babies get into stuff.

as im writing this im trying to remember...there are flashes of things and i was very young and i can relate them with stories my mom tells. i remember her biting my finger because i stuck it in her mouth. she says i was 10 months old when that happened. she said if i put my finger in her mouth she was going to bite it. she did. it hurt and i cried. she said i told you not to that's what happens. i rember slamming my thumb in the sliding glass door. i was so scared. i cried and cried. i was outside in my jammies and i wasnt sposed to be. they were still sleeping. they couldnt hear me. the blood was pouring out down my arm and on the ground. i got the door open and mom heard me. she said i told you that was going to happen. i told you and told you. they were mad. i was stupid. it was sunday and they had to take me to the doctor. doctor hollis. he was scared at it. he said i cant fix it. it was cut off under the towels. my thumb was cut off. doctor hollis said go see a different doctor. he wrapped it all up and fixed it. i was 2. i tried to be good. i was so naughty.

mom had a kitty. she was so pretty and soft. martha. i like to hold her and love her. i squeezed her to hard and she died. poor martha. mom said she was gonna have kittens and i killed her cuz her tummy broke. i was 1. i was very stupid.

i didnt have playdates. i had a girl cousin a year older than me. wwe lived kinda close to them...my moms brother and his family. i rember a few things from those times. not much. once when i was 2 and she was three we were spitting and uncle spanked us with a shingle. once i reached for something on the table and he stabbed my arm with a fork. he said we ask to pass. it hurt and i was afraid. it didnt bleed so it was ok. he had a very scary dog so we didnt go outside. robin ate the dog food and said it was good and i ate the cat food and we got spanked. i dont remember much.

i had boy cousins. i remember i hated to go there but i dont ever remember anything from being over there. until i was 10. i remember unspeakables from that time. i used to go to my grand parents in the summer and stay at their house for a couple weeks. we saw my boy cousins then. i never went back in the summer and stayed after that time. i never spoke of that. i was smart not to. i tried to tell my mom when i was 30 and she said oh it was probly nothing.

i wasnt allowed to have many parties. i had family over for birthdays. and there were some older girls across the street who came once when i was 4. and the boys next door and a girl down the street. i think i had a sleepover when i was 10.my 1 friend came over a couple times. and i had a couple friends that had aslumber party at my house when i was 10. but mom said that was the one time. she dint like to have people over.

i dont remember any actual spankings. i remember running from her when she would get a flyswatter. she always said if you run from me it will be worse. dont you run from me. i remember she would make me get one of dads belts in the closet so she could spank me. i remeber always begging please dont i wont do it anymore i promise. that seemed to always make it worse. one time she was so mad she mad dad spank me. he never spanked me before that. he cried. i was 2. he said i was a dummy for makin her so mad. he promised not to ever spank me again.

[dema]

I hope you have worked through the unspeakables with somebody. You need to if you haven't. Stuff like that doesn't go away until you open the wound and clean it out.

All these things - not your fault. Your parents didn't understand children - you apparently have worked that out on a mental level. You gave excuses for them.

I don't know that there is an excuse for being mean and selfish and having so little compassion. But, the Bible is quite clear about honoring one's parents - and you apparently do. I'm not sure how people honor parents who are cold or mean or a whole lot worse. I don't know how Joyce Meyer managed to honor hers the way she did. But, I do know that God rewards it. Big time.

Sorta - it wasn't your fault. A big part of being a parent is protecting one's child. Biting them or telling them once not to do something and then leaving the opportunity for a two year old to do it or sticking them with a fork - that isn't protecting and it isn't right. At the same time that you do need to forgive them and honor them - you need to tell yourself that it was wrong and that you didn't deserve that kind of treatment. You deserved to be loved and cherished. Eating dog food and trying to go outside when you've been told not to - that is NORMAL kid stuff. It isn't a sin. You were too young to even understand the concept of disobedience when you were two. Three year olds begin to understand. I mean a two year old can understand "no" - but they don't keep it. It is there for the moment and gone. At three, kids just start to get it without having a reminder at the time. And it is still normal for the kid to forget or get distracted - this isn't wrong - it just IS.

You should have been able to be a kid. You should have been able to have friends.

On one hand, that was then and this is now. On one level, have friends now. Eat ice cream now. Go on the ferris wheel at the carnival. Buy cotton candy. Buy yourself something at the store just because you are special.

On the other hand, you do need to take these things out, clean them, cry over them and forgive. Forgive you first - there is nothing to forgive yourself for, but accepting that is a kind of forgiveness in itself. Just because I tell you to do it and you know it and somebody else told you to do it doesn't mean you will be able to look in the mirror and say, "Okay, all done. All better now."

Maybe you need a 12 step program. I think there are other people here who can give you more suggestions.

I'll tell you again what you already know - you were a cute, lovable little kids and your parents didn't get that. They didn't understand age 2, they didn't understand compassion, they didn't understand love. It is a pity. It is awful. You deserved better - you do deserve better. You deserve love and hugs and cotton candy. You do.

Right now you have the love of Jesus which is more love than any parent can give. And he will hold you and let you cry. And he will fill up that empty spot.

Balance tears and joy. Don't sink too far into the tears. But don't bury it either. Balance is hard. It is. Pray and listen - let Jesus hug you and tell you when it is time to smile and when it is time to cry. Let him hug you and lead you to hugs with skin on.

Love ya Sorta. That doesn't sound right at all. I don't sorta love ya. I love ya.

[stillstanding]

today was icky...it started yesterday. i feel at fault for things. if someone gets upset i think it must be my fault. something i did or said when i shouldnt have or dint do or say when i shouldve. i know better. its not truth. it's creepy at work using my past to tear me down. I have come too far. I am a child of God. I am redeemed by Jesus, whose blood atoned for my sins. I have His Holy Spirit within me to guide me to truth and freedom.

I have begged forgiveness and am forgiven of my sins as i confess them to my Father through Jesus Christ, His Son, my Savior. I have laid my junk at the cross and I am leaving it there. I am in this world but not of it and i will store up my treasures in heaven where i will have eternal life!

Praise you God of my salvation, the Creator of all things and Provider for my needs! Hallelujah! i will sing of Your mercy and Grace forever! Thank you, Father, for peace, for love, for hope, for faith!

Thank you for sending your only Son to save me! Thank you for knowing me before time and putting all things in place to make me who i am and for teaching me thru my circumstances who i am in You! Thank You for the trials and tests you give me so that i can accomplish all You have set out for me!

Thank You for being Love, for teaching Love to this broken heart and for giving me opportunities to share Your Love with Your people. Thank You for Your people who have been faithful with the Love you gave them and have freely given it to me in Your Name.

Father, bless everyone who reads this exceeding abundantly and let Your peace and joy overflow into their lives and the lives of those around them, as according to Your good and perfect will. In Jesus precious name, Amen.

WOOOT!! God is good...All the time!

[foreverHis]

wow sorta.....thank you for writing, you are such an inspiration, your love and trust in the Lord surely shines through Thank you Jesus for turning sorta's life around....
you have victory in Jesus..daily.... keep walking in the way you are going my dear....you will help many follow in your victory...
remember the enemy comes to rob, kill and destroy, do not let im...don't let him try and steal all that ground you have gained...yessss God is good...

[dema]

God has forgiven you. So any reminders of your failings aren't from Him. Just kick them out. (I know - that is such an easy thing to say.) You are a beautiful child of God. God loves you. You start fresh from right now.

When you feel down, try to smile at someone and do something nice for them. Compliments are good. If they smile back at you, it will make you feel better.

Also, I have found that going into a toilet stall and lifting my hands to God is very helpful.

Love ya, love ya, love ya. Hugs.

[Tam]

Awesome Post Sis!!!!

Love ya

[stillstanding]

Thought for the day..."How much pleasure is God getting out of my life?"

[Tam]

Good thought!!!!!!

[Lani]

Woot! Awesome thought!


Thanks for sharing sis