My Quest for Rest

[Ann_is_Alive]

OK I just completed day one of incest program.

It was suggested here that I do this program (I think it was suggested when I first started here but I dont know for sure). I am doing the counseling steps. I finished day 8.

I have just remembered that my mom also sexually abused me during my childhood. I have always known that my dad abused me but not my mom. I was always angry at her for not protecting me from him. And for not believing me when I finally confronted my dad - who does not admit what he did to me - about what he did to me. She never said anything about what she did, she just kept saying dad would never abuse me.

Once those memories started, I haven't been able to do the counseling steps or post anything anywhere. I have chatted with some of u guys - because of these walls I have up, I have not said too much about this - and one of u suggested the incest program.

I am very, very angry at my mom right now. I can't believe that a mom would do that to a daughter. It was worse than what dad did to me.

She was mean and angry and told me I deserved everything that she was going to do to me........

The family was visiting the ranch up in the mountains during vacation. Me, dad and grandpa were out hunting. I enjoyed that time together, that was the one of the rare times dad did not abuse me. When we came back from hunting, mom wanted to go hiking with me. I wanted to go, it sounded like fun. After a bit, my mom yanked my arm and told me to lay on the ground. She was very angry and scared me. I told her I didn't want to and that I was scared and I started crying. She told me to stop crying and pushed me to the ground. She told me I was a --- and a whore and that I deserved this. I tried to get up, she sat on my legs. I tried to stand up again and she pushed me down with her hands. I was crying and telling her to let me go. She took my underwear off and grabbed a stick shoved it inside of me. I screamed in pain. My mom said you deserve this. Her eyes were full of rage. Then she got up and left. She left me laying there. I had to pull the stick out. I screamed in pain. I tried to get up, I couldn't do it. I dragged myself to a tree and pulled myself up. I could barely walk. I was bleeding badly. I started walking. Didn't know where I was going. I saw the lake. I went in. The water was cold. It felt sooooo good. I stayed in the lake until I stopped bleeding. I went back to the ranch. My dad saw me and wanted to know why I was wet. I said I was in the lake. He wanted to know why I was limping. My mom said that while we were on the hike, I tripped and twisted my ankle. I started bleeding again. My mom told my dad that I hurt myself by falling on a stick.

How dare she lie like that. I didn't trip, I didn't twist my ankle, I didn't fall on a stick................

Right after I completed day one, earlier this evening, I was trying to find the words to post and I couldn't and then an hour ago, my dad calls me and says mom is in the hospital. They think she had a heart attack. Dad and sis wanted me to come down and see her.

My family does not know yet, that I remembered what mom did to me. But I can't believe they want me to come down to the hospital and stand by her bedside and try to pretend that I care whether she lives or dies. Because I don't care whether she lives or dies. She is a mean, angry, evil person.

Yea, I know, I have a lot of work to do in the forgiveness department, I know. Right now, I could care less. I don't care whether God wants me to forgive her not. I hate her and I hope she dies.

[mlg]

Hey Ann I'm glad you are beginning this program. You do have a lot to work out...but it is possible...just make sure to invite Jesus to come along with you on this journey.

I will be praying for you and your family. May God bring you comfort so that you can work through these things and be able to be strong as you need to be.

luv ya

[deetu]

Oh Ann, it sounds like your mom was jealous of the attention your dad was giving you and instead of protecting you, the evil overcame her. And I am so sorry that it happened to you ((hug))

I cannot begin to understand what you have gone through, but Ann, don't let hate come in. That is the work of the enemy and he wants to put up a barrier so that you can't communicate with God because he doesn't want you to be free.

Father, give strength and understanding in this time for Ann.
Help her to rely and look to You
In Jesus's name I pray.

[Tam]

Ann can I start by telling you how proud of you I am that you made this step to post! Amazing growth to me.
Yes your mom did some hateful and hurtful things sis. I know the anger that you are feeling and I know that hate that you feel for her but I also know that you can not go on like that. You have got to forgive.
Ann the best thing that I ever did was when my grandfather was dying and I went in and seen him. I asked everyone to leave the room and I told my grandfather that even tho I didn't want to I forgive him. I had to do that because deep down before he died I wanted him to know that I knew what he had done to me.
As far as being angry and not wanting to see you mom....Pray about that Ann. I would hate for you to have to deal witht he regrets on top of all the abuse.
Your family here loves you and we are all praying for you sis.

[Ann_is_Alive]

OK I completed day two of the incest program.

I get it. That it was not my fault. That they did it to me. I get it.

Thank you mlg for your prayers.

dee, mom was jealous, i don't know, evil yes, jealous, i don't know. The hate is already there. I suppose sooner or later it will leave me, maybe, i don't know. Thank you for the hugs and prayers.

Tam, thank you, it did take a lot for me to post. As far as confronting, I didn't confront my dad on purpose. I didn't care whether he knew that I knew what he did to me or not. That happened accidently. I don't care whether I confront my mom or not about this. I'm glad you did what you did regarding your grandfather - for you. Yea, I know, I need to forgive. As far as me hating her, why can't I go on like that? I understand what you are saying about regretting not seeing mom in case she dies or something. If there wasn't the abuse, but just her not believing me when I said dad abused me, I would consider seeing her, but not now. Thank you for your prayers. I know my family here loves me. I love you guys too.

My dad and sis have been calling me all day. I can't deal with them right now. I just can't right now.

[mlg]

Hey Ann,

Well sis you are exactly right. What they did to you was not your fault. Glad that Truth is shining for you in step 2.

As for hating sis...well when you hate someone you carry a burden...because hate weighs one down. So you really need to work on releasing the hate and forgiving so you can be free from that hurt and pain. Otherwise the chains will remain.

You can do this...let go and let God.

luv ya

[Tam]

Yes Ann it was not your fault. You did nothing wrong!
The hate will way you down oh so much. Forgiving will soon come if you allow HIM to begin to heal your heart.
Love you sis

[Ann_is_Alive]

OK I just completed day 3 of the incest program.

I don't get it. Maybe it's just stress about my mom, i don't know....but....
I don't understand the hiding in our soul.....also.......I don't understand believe to receive/prayers answered, it does depend on what you are praying about right?, not just that you believe your prayers will be answered right?...........

I do understand the quick fix, for instance, me raiding the fridge every night at 3 a.m. or when I am completely out of my mind with stress. Putting a note on the fridge is ok I guess, but to be honest, I am usually not in a state of mind, that I would even see the note on the fridge or even if I put the the note on the foods. Do you know what I mean?

And that goes for any other kind of quick fix that I do and have done for years if not my entire life. So I'm not sure how that will work.

Thank you mlg. Yea, I really do hate her right now. Not sure when I can let that go.

Thank you Tam.

Forgiving will soon come if you allow HIM to begin to heal your heart

So, I don't have to forgive first, in order for my heart to begin healing?
If I let Him begin healing my heart first, then forgiveness will come sooner maybe and easier maybe, is that right? Do you know what I mean? Does that make sense? If that's true, how do I help Him begin the healing of my heart?

Dad and sis think I won't see mom because I am upset that she didn't believe me when I said dad abused me. Which is kinda true, but the abuse memory is the real reason why I can't see her.
My dad texted me this.............'Your mom is dieing!!! Even though she does not believe your lies about me abusing you, she still wants to see you!!! Stop being selfish!!!'...........

I don't even know how to address that. I can't deal with my family right now. I don't know what to do. Help me please

[mlg]

Ann...you know what sis? Your helper is right there beside you...Jesus...ask Him to bring you peace...I know that you have so much anger and frustration...but you have to be honest with yourself...what is holding on to the anger and frustration doing to you? It's just simmering...and you get even more angry with each passing day when you continue to carry it. I know you don't want to go through life being a bitter person sis...that's not you...so search deep sis...and find forgiveness...you need this.



luv ya Ann

[Tam]

Ann did you ever think that mom wants to see you to ask you for forgiveness, to say she is sorrry? Dunno my mind goes there. When people or dying they want to make things right. I understand your fear, your hurt, your anger and everything else you are going through..but this anger is only hurting you sis. Not the ones that hurt you . It is so harrd to see when we are in situtations like you are that we only hurt ourselves when we close off and thus making it harder on us for us to be free.
I hear you eveyday as mlg said getting deeper and deeper in the anger.
Please ask the Holy Spirit to come and to be your counselor. You gotta cry out to Him and let Him help you.

Ann you can tell God that you don't want to forgive her. You can tell Him how much you are angry at her and hate her. But you have to tell Him that you want to do right and forgive her but you can not do that on your own right now and ask Him to help you . SIS He will!
Love ya

[Dora]

When someone says what you brought out of darkness is a lie, the pain is so great it is as if they've committed the act all over again.

I understand your fear. There are some things you need to understand before you go. This life passes quickly. These people are only your "family" for a very short time. Your spiritual family, brothers and sisters in Christ, are your family for eternity. That is a very long time. Which is more real of a family? One that is yours for 50 or so years, or one that is yours for eternity? No matter what these people do to you, they can not steal from you your real family. Your spiritual family.

You don't have to allow them in so deep that their words shatter your heart. Remember in the study about the depths of the temple? The Holy of Holies where only you and God can enter. You are His temple so this area resides in you. Then there's the inner courts where some are allowed in and the outer courts where those who wish to harm you are kept. This picture helps me to not be shattered when family comes against me. Yet always keep your heart ready and watching for when they come into the understanding and knowledge of how God wants them to treat you and accept you.

Love them deeply, pray for them always, forgive readily, but you don't have to let them in so closely that every thing they do and say crushes you.

I know people may say, but it's my dad, it's my mom, but this, but that. Who is your Father? Who is your Mother? Who is your sister?

Matthew 12:46-50 ... While He yet talked to the people, behold, His mother and His brethren stood without, desiring to speak with Him. Then one said unto Him, Behold, thy mother and thy brethren stand without, desiring to speak with thee. But He answered and said unto him that told him, Who is my mother? and who are my brethren? And he stretched forth His hand toward His disciples, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren! For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in Heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother.

If you can understand that their opinion of you does not matter, you can go and their words will not shatter you.

They were and still are pawns in this spiritual warfare. When or if they hurt you again, realize they are so lost they don't know what they are doing.

Ann God saw what they did to you. And he cared! It hurt him. I am certain it angered him that they hurt his little girl. Allow Him to take revenge. He showed me so much this past week. I have tried four times to post it. But words do not give justice to what God did for me. And I know that he has done the same for you. I saw what he did, because I went back. I returned. Because he called me to it. Do as God asks sister. If God says return, then go for he will protect you and bless you. May you feel his wonderful love flow over you. It is with in Him, your heavenly Father that you Will find peace, love, and healing.

Love you Ann. Much! Jesus loves you too.

[Ann_is_Alive]

OK I have just completed day 4 of the incest program.

I think it actually speaks for itself. The piece called: Please Hear What I'm Not Saying by Charles C. Finn was...........ummm.......I am crying again now. It is very powerful and wow that was ..............I was going to say that was me, but in reality it is still me in a way.

The masks, the walls, I never really realized, until I read that, how much I.......um........put on all these different masks and play roles. I always knew I built my very protective wall and I always knew that I hid behind it very well - no peeking allowed. And I always knew that I, somewhat, put on a mask to be happy sometimes, but I never knew to what extent I did that until I read that.

Wow, God knows what He is doing don't He?!!!!

I keep telling myself crying is good!!! I hope so, I am doing it alot right now!!!!

mlg and Tam, thank you and God bless. I love u guys so much.

Pine, wow.......I'm not sure what to say..........God is great isn't He?!!!!! I give Him the Glory. You knew exactly what to say and when to say it last night and then you knew exactly what to say when to say it this morning too......I'm trying to type through tears - healing tears - Amen. Thank you.

Ummm.....OK.....breathe in - breathe out......I don't know what to do about my mom, but I also know that is OK. I did ask God if I should see my mom or not. Don't know yet. But God does.

I was - and yes I did say was - getting angrier and angrier each second, minute, hour and day. I am not anymore. I have not let go of the anger, but I am not getting angrier.

I now know that they can not touch me - sexually, physically, spiritually, emotionally - anymore. I know my temple, I know who is in my inner courts and who is in my outer courts.

Still crying.......that's OK

With all that said, sometimes, I still want to curl up in the bed, pull the covers over me, sleep and never wake up. But I can't do that, I asked God a question and I have to be around for the answer. Besides you guys would miss me right? I haven't felt like that for a couple of weeks now....it feels kinda good......