The Inner Child

[Dora]

I've been allowing the inner child to write in my journal to those that hurt her.
Counselor suggested writing with my left hand as the right hand is dominate for me and the adult is now the dominate one.
It seemed to work so well that I can write with my right and still allow the inner child to share.
This morning at 4am I woke up after a night mare.
Started praying about something I said in cool church Sunday.
That I am still afraid of God and still expect Him to get angry.
I decided to let this inner child do some talking.
She started sharing what she would say to her dad.
Then I said it's time she talks to God.
She was to afraid.
I was amazed/shocked at how afraid she is.
I got a picture of her in a round room (probably her castle she's built) and when I asked her to speak to God she frantically searched for a place to hide.


So this morning I sit and wonder how to get her to know and understand He wasn't angry with her.
Probably it's one of those things God has to reveal to her.

[Tam]

SO proud of you Pine!
Getting intouch with the little Pine within....what progress you are making
Keep pressing in and keep up all the good work sis.
Love ya!
Tam

[momof3]

aww, sis...that little girl is still trying to see the difference between her Heavenly Father and her earthly one. I dont have to tell you that there is no reason to be afraid, your head already knows that. Its the distance between your head and your heart that keeps that lil girl from seeing the difference. Sis, keep reading His word..keep seeking His truths. Its so easy for me to tell you what to do about this, yet quite more difficult to do when we have to decide that what we have been taught our whole lives about love...a false, hurtful fake, nothing like true agape love of God, has been a lie the whole time..and we have to get rid of every hurtful aspect of that love we have come to know through those who also had a broken hurt child within them.

You are getting there, though, sis. He is faithful to finish what He's begun and His goal in this is to show you His love. His goal from the start in this is to show you how different He is. He never set out to sit on that great big throne with a frown upon His face just waiting for you to stand in front of Him. His goal from the beginning is to open His arms to that child and say.."Im awefully fond of you, my child. I love you more than life, itself."

Ya know, that part that made you want to throw the book across the room?

i love you, sis..and am standing with you in this. He's not finished.

in Jesus,
love momo

[Lionhearted]

that is awesome pinella!!

I think you are on the right track and keep encouraging her to come forward; you must work together because she holds the key and you hold the lock.

When I was working with my lil girl, to find out what she was so afraid of; I found that I need to be in a "safe" comfortable place. For me, it was in the early evening when there were lots of voices and noises in the rest of the house, and I was locked away in my bedroom; and in the beginning stages I needed to have Darrell close by, not in the room with me, but on the computer or in the den ... within ear shot so that I could yell out to him. Eventually, I began to trust myself with my lil girl and that memory(s) that needed to surface, and I didn't need him so close any more.

You must'n rush her or the memories she holds ... be patient and be there for her.

I know it sounds like we are talking about two different ppl; but, in a very real sense we are. Parts of our hearts get "stopped" from growing emotionally when they suffer a blow.

Can you guys relate? I found that although I was almost 33 years old when I started to work through my pain and damage of abuse, I knew deep down in my heart that something was not quite right .... I didn't "feel" like a 33 year old woman; I felt more like a 13 or 14 year old, and somtimes even younger! This is how it played out: I would be faced with a decision to make (sometimes small, most times large) ... and I would be "paralyzed" in my mind, because the information that I needed to make the decision has to come from a mature woman (33yrs) however, there has been no "new" information put into that part of the woman so she is trying to extract information that is not there ... so quite often I wouldn't know how to respond to a question or a situation; its like there was a gap in the person of my being ... a "void" of nothingness ... it got so very frustrating to "look" like a grown up woman of 33 and not be able to internally function as one. It became increasingly difficult (and eventually drove me to deal with it) as my children grew and demand more of me ... emotionally speaking ... they had started to surpass me emotionally; and it was in the face of them that I saw the void in myself.

As I said earlier sis, just keep going there to get her ... she will step forward ... slowly but surely, she will

luv you

[Dora]

Aw Lionhearted, Momof3 and Tam
Thank you for your beautiful words of encouragement.

Yes Lion working through this I felt like a child, unable to handle life. Even the easiest of tasks seemed to be to much. Seriously on the edge of sanity or lack of at times.

I got so excited when I read your words that I wanted to share with you what He's done today.

I have to share a few ugly things to show you the good He's shown me so beware.

Someone told me last night that our testimonies are not always pleasant. If we took out unpleasant things in the bible we'd have to remove the crucifiction of Christ.

With that said, I'll share.

At a time when I was hiding from my uncle God was with me. I felt a presence that was comforting. I remember it well and even can see someone (guardian Angel possibly) holding me and protecting me while what I believe was the Holy Spirit swirling around me.

That led me to wonder where was he during other times that I was in the presence of evil.

I asked Him where was he when dad was suffocating me. It was causing me to stumble because it felt as if he had just left me The memory appeared in my mind just as always yet this time my body would change from me laying there being suffocated to Jesus laying there being suffocated.

Same with other events.

The verse that came to mind was...


Matthew 25:41 Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels:
42 For I was an hungred, and ye gave me no meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me no drink:
43 I was a stranger, and ye took me not in: naked, and ye clothed me not: sick, and in prison, and ye visited me not.
44 Then shall they also answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, or athirst, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister unto thee?
45 Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me.


But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea. Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh! .... Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven.

God is good. I asked for an answer and He gave it.

I saw my counselor today. She is amazed and gave praise to God for the speedy work being done in me. Happy tears!

[Lionhearted]

awwww my sis!!!

i cry with you this day!!

i'm sooo happy for you pinella ... the truth really does set us free doesn't it!

luvuloads

[Dora]

Friday night I had a nightmare.
I woke in a bit of a numb state.
Tried continually to refresh my mind but my mind kept wanting to process the dream.
Different things in the dream represented my feelings or the past.
Then later in the day a smell brought me back to the days when my uncle was around.
I put it all off, but evening when it was time to sleep the thoughts poured in.
I found it interesting two things to bring me back to my uncle happened in one day. That's very unusual.
I realized I've been telling myself I'm ok with this part of my past, have let go and moved on with a smile, when inside it's still causing me issues.
I've not been honest with myself, but hiding from the truth.

Laying in the dark, tossing and turning, wishing I had of dealt with things earlier in the day instead of just getting busy so to put off all the thoughts and memories, the inner child asked, Does God love me. The memories and thoughts went silent at her voice.

I wonder why she feels that way when she's reminded of the things done to her. It makes no since to me.

Last nights dreams were of everyone leaving me and with drawing their love from me. Alone, rejected, unneeded.

So we find the source to a strong hold the enemy has staked in my mind. Feelings of being tossed out, unneeded, unwanted, unloved.

The enemy brought a nightmare and a trigger. God used it to show me what I have hidden from others and even myself.

Is not God awesome.

[Tam]

wow! Pine I am so glad that in all the misery of the nightmare and the triggers, you realized that God is still working and that He is still awesome.
Major step sis.. I am so proud of you for still pressing forward
Love ya sis
Tam

[Lionhearted]

my dear pinella!!!

i'm happy for your triggers ... for i have learned that these triggers are little keys to truth, and with truth comes freedom.

i pray that you will continue to look forward to, and embrace these trigger times because God is walking you down your thorny past, to get you where you need to be. step by step, as you are ready ... He gently nudges you on!!

keep up the great work sis

[Dora]

Lionhearted is trigger happy.

I do agree. They are good because they show me where I need to work. And praise be to God they mostly are not as painful as they use to be.

A lot of memories of my uncle have been flowing through my mind. It seems like my mind is determined to search through ever file to find every memory that is connected to him that has been tucked away. I begun today to give myself permission to let those files stay locked up. Just concerned something will one day break the lock and the memory will spring out at an inappropriate time.

Making an effort to spend a portion of each day letting the child with in explore who God really is and listening to her. She's gone from frantically trying to hide from Him to where she'll sit and listen to me tell her about Him. She's not ready to have a discussion with Him yet though. Still to scary. One day. We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.

Worked some more on forgiving my uncle today. If I'm judging him, I'm looking down on him. If I'm looking down, I'm not looking up.

Had counseling this morning. I was afraid she'd want to do some therapy. I worried myself sick all morning. My emotions were all over the place. From sad to angry and every where in between. Then I got to counseling and we just talked. Took it easy today. Whew was I glad. If she knew how badly I didn't want to do therapy she probably would of investigated it deeper. Probably should of told her. Lots to think about.

The other day I was in the why mode. Why did it have to happen. Why did he protect me from so much but let so much other stuff happen. I walked into a store with my head down. My eyes fixed on a penny that was across the room. Saw that thing clear across the room. I walked straight to it. And heard, "Do you trust me." Cause the penny says, "In God We Trust." Deep breath. Picked up the penny and said yes, though inside I was saying something different. It kept me thinking and seeking to find that trust in Him with the whys. I think I'm grasping it. Not the reason why so much, but the trusting Him despite the knowing why.

God loves ya and so do I.

[Tam]

Pine isn't it neat how God drops little reminders here and there of how much He does love us and wants us to trust Him!
Personally I do not think that penny was there with "In God We Trust" by accident .
love ya sis

[Dora]

I agree Tam.
To see that penny on the floor and be so focused on it.
I knew when I first saw it, it was a sign from God.

Tonight I'm in the Am I Going To Be Ok Mode.
The question goes through my mind over and over am I going to be ok, am I going to be ok.

Well sure I am. So what's with this mental fear. Control. I don't have control over everything. It does send walls up. I get quiet. I get an attitude. A chip on my shoulder per say so I don't let anyone in to close. My way of controlling my surroundings.

Doing a mental check list of my surroundings to see if everything is ok. Kids, house, hubby, job, paperwork, ect.

It comes from fear. Can't let my life turn into a whirl wind and sweep me away so I have to control it and everything that comes into it. It comes out as house keeping, organizing, and doing things I know I'll accomplish.

Just a battle that began with a whisper from the enemy. Nothing new. Can I let go of control. Seems impossible. But with God all things are possible. Ever so thankful I have Him.