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Things haven't been too good at all. I talked to my friend today. We both have moments when we think suicide would be easier than breathing; however, we are friends because we both keep moving.

My emotions are "okay" I suppose but the longings of understood relationship with spouse are far from okay. Hmmmm. . . . well, I guess my emotions aren't okay. I'm calmly not okay.

Soooo I've been perusing the internet. Well, we all know what disaster that brings into one's mind, soul, and then life. Soo that would be where I am right now.

I'm the only one working I talk about sex or topics that have to do with sex on the job. I can't get any sex at home right now. Even if I did I don't know that I would understand it. It doesn't always translate over as love to me. I don't know how to better explain that one.

But back to the work issue. Even when I don't participate in sex conversations at work, the people still don't care for me. I have aspergers so I know this is my fault. I struggle and struggle with myself yet this is hard to deal with. I have been angry in the past year and a half and the anger is resolving. I think it's gone actually.

Howeve, the after effects linger and have affected the way I interact with people at work. I am direct and "mandating" as it was put. I am trying to be a team-player. Even the person who told me this only did so after I pushed her to see if I had offended anyone. Again, I know that I can do this without intending to do so. They also said that I talked too much and took too long wrapping up my work.

I receive all of this. Not a problem here. Sooo, I've started making the changes already. Not too much talking. Not with staff or the clients either. I'm trying to continue to cut the chit-chat; however, I need an outlet and then I end back up on the internet. Then I get upset with my life and end up thinking about how to get out of my life.

This is a freaking mess!!!!

I can't afford to lose my job. I have a family to feed.

Sooo, I am posting this horribly tangled disaster here on this discussion board. I gotta run to work. Please pray if you read it okay?

I am also not satisfed with my job. I love what I do, but I want to make a bigger impact in a positive way for as many people a possible on a permanent basis. I just wish I could get all this sorted out.

Pleas pray that I will have time to read my Bible tonight. I should have been doing this already instead of Farmville and Cafe world though!!!!!! Urgh (banging head on keyboard)!!

Whispering my sister, my prayers are definitely with you. I would like to share with you just a bit here. Happiness as you know comes from a relationship with Jesus. But sometimes people think of Jesus as boring, and not as exciting as things on the internet...but in reality sis, Jesus really isn't boring, once you truly get to know Him...in fact the journey gets to be really very exciting and adventuresome. And what's more you have His joy and His hope to look forward to in everything.

Now, saying that I will say this...death is not the answer my friend. I know it may seem like it is, but death complicates things especially if it's not God's will. God would never want you to commit suicide and in fact it would break His heart. God wants to help you heal and overcome your life struggles, and then He wants to help you see that life can truly be wonderful. Reach out to Him sis, He is waiting.

Have you started the counseling steps here yet? If not I really encourage you to do so. There is true healing in the steps...if you will just take that one step to find out.

Here for ya sis if you need a friend.

luv ya sis

after praying this is what the Holy Spirit led me to in my scriptures and i believe these are Words from Him to you because the bible is the living Word of God.

hosea 2

vs 14 -19

"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.
There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt.

"In that day," declares the Lord, "you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master.
I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips; no longer will their names be invoked.
In that day I will make a covenant for them with the beasts of the field and the birds of the air and the creatures that move along the ground. Bow and sword and battle I will abolish from the land, so that all may lie down in safety.
I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in [fn] righteousness and justice, in [fn] love and compassion.
I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord.


Wow! What a great God we serve!

I hope u find much comfort in His words to u.

Gbu sis
♥Jill

Praying for you sis. Just know that death is not the answer..JESUS is. I also encourage you to do the counseling steps and allow God to begin to heal you sis.

Ahhh, I apologize. However, I think the burden that I am placing upon all of you is much too great. As such, I will try to limit my posts regarding what is happening in my life and emotions. I think that will be better.

Yes, I am hurting and frustrated and tired of living. I honestly am. But I do know that death isn't the answer. I have other friends who are better able to handle my responses and statements, who have known me for a long time. It does appear that I am unnecessarily burdening you. I apologize.

My emotional junk is okay. Well . . . maybe not quite okay, but I have a few friends and we all feel the same way, so I know I'm not alone. Some of us, choose to stay in contact regularly just in case the pain is so bad that we do want to stop living. That's when we call each other for support and prayer. It helps us. We are still alive and have families.

I guess all of us have strong emotions etc. We see life and feel differently from other people, I think. We all recognize that when someone dies, everyone else has to carry on with their lives. Their lives are accompanied with a weighty emotional burden. Because of this we choose to keep breathing, even when we don't want to.

FYI, to help myself, I have been looking for volunteer work. I hadn't heard back from some of the places; however, I will look elsewhere. I will also return to the gym soon, as in Wednesday morning after work.

whispering my sister, you are not a burden...in fact you are a blessing. You wanna know why? Cuz when you share something here, I am able to pray for you, and to let God carry you, and that in turn blesses me.

I'm glad you have some close friends that you can turn to when you are hurting beyond belief. You need encouragement through your trials and tribulations.

One thing we must remember is in order to heal and beat the enemy at his game...we must choose to fight the good fight. God never forces Himself and His forgiveness or love on anyone. He lets us choose. Ya know sis we know that we are in a battle and that the enemy is going to attack and that we are going to have to fight...so be in the fight to win. God has promised that He wins in the end...follow His steps.

Volunteer work is always good sis, because it helps take the focus off of us and places it on others needs. It's also healing. I think this will be great for helping you.

Praying for you still.

luv ya

no u are not a burden and if you were guess what...

It is our responsibility to carry your burdens for you in Christ

Numbers 11:17

I will come down and speak with you there, and I will take of the Spirit that is on you and put the Spirit on them. They will help you carry the burden of the people so that you will not have to carry it alone.

thats what we are here for sis!

so come on what do u say, release all that at the cross and run free! Hes got this! Hes got you! Hes got your back front and sides sis! And we are there with u.

Gbu

♥Jill

You are not a burden. It is our pleasure to pray for our brothers and sisters who are hurts. Your sharing here is a blessing. You may not know who it is reaching but it is reaching one who is hurting. Keep posting Love ya!