The Inner Child

[deetu]

Perhaps one day He will show me how He sees her.

He does show her how He sees her, she just doesn't believe.
trust...believe

[Dora]

touche


love you all.

[Dora]

Everything I struggle with goes back to "Dad did..." or "If Dad had of..." or "If Dad hadn't of..." I know He's just a man and I'm now an adult. By many years.

I went to bed with the ache in my heart gone. Woke this morning to it being back. Wondered why. So I asked. And got the answer. He showed me again this picture He's been showing me for about 5 days now. The prostitute kneeling at Jesus feet. He is holding her hand and looking at her eyes. The love and acceptance is shown.

He says to come to Him like this other woman did but she can't. Shame and guilt? Pride? Fear? All of the above?

It's easy to just get busy and push it all off as unnecessary. Then that feeling is back. That huge hole with in. I asked why. He says it's necessary the hole is there so I'll work on this.

What comes to mind?

I was 16. Dad had left us (mom, and me and my 3 sisters). So desperate for love and affection I easy fell for the attention of a 21 year old man. My first boy friend. The more attention he gave me the more I wanted. He told me wonderful things and I started thinking all the things my dad had said about me weren't true. He made me feel special for the first time in my life. Then one night I could tell something was wrong. There was a sense of evil in the air. I didn't want to go out with him I just wanted to go home. But he wouldn't take me home. He drove down a gravel road. It was dark. He pulled out a cooler and offered me a beer. I didn't want to be like my dad, alcoholic. So I denied it. In my mind I though this is not the man I want. After tonight I won't go out with him anymore. The beautiful relationship and the fun ended that night. He didn't take no for an answer. I had to drink or he wouldn't take me home. He'd drop me off in the dark on this gravel road. He told me about how if someone came down the road that I may ask for a ride, but it's possible it's a bad person who might hurt me. So I'd have to hide in the woods. Maybe the bad man would find me, maybe he wouldn't. He told me about how there are snakes in the woods. Painted a story that put such fear in me that I did what ever he said to get a ride home. With in I cried. I just want to go home. By the end of this night I was on my first drunk and gave in to his constant pleas to have sex. Though I didn't even know what sex was. Though I gave in I changed my mind but heard my dads words. That if I ever say yes to a guy, I have to continue. I dug my nails into the dash board and cried until it was over. Then I got my ride home. I cried all night and into the next day. I felt so dirty. Used. He told me now that I had been with a man no one would ever want me so I best try to please him and perhaps he'd marry me one day. I felt like a slave working for marriage so not to become an old widow.

Though I didn't live with him officially I was at his house most of the time. I would get tired of the life style and walk the 10 miles to home. With in a few days he'd come find me and beg me to come back. If I didn't give in to the sweet talk he'd start threatening me. If I didn't go back I wasn't safe and neither was my mom or sisters. So I'd go back.

I never was good enough for him. Nothing I did was. I was 16 cooking, cleaning, and living as a wife with a man. Mom was ok if I stayed there with him because she knew I'd have electric and food. We did what we had to do to survive.

I can't say I never got into the sinful style I was living. There were times I loved it. I didn't see what I did as wrong. After all he said he'd marry me one day. It's not like I was sleeping with a lot of men.

I've made all these excuses. If dad hadn't left I wouldn't of met this guy and no way would of been allowed to date him let alone stay with him. If dad had of given me the love and attention I needed I wouldn't of been so hungry for affection. Not blaming him just making excuses. I was just a child. I didn't want to begin this type of life style. I believed the lies I was told that kept me there.

I need grace for my portion and I do pray for this man and have forgiven him. Well mostly. There's this tinge of anger deep with in. He was and is just lost. Dad was lost. Mom was just trying to survive and feed 4 children and keep the lights on for them.

My husband says he doesn't regret what happened to me because if it hadn't of all happened I would of never came to Michigan. I would of never met him.

This is the portion of my life I'd like to just make excuses for instead of admitting I sinned. And sinned. And sinned. And need His grace. This is the portion of my life that keeps me from HIM. I remember all the details. I remember the words, actions, places, and feelings. I remember how I would try to seduce him if I felt I was going to loose him. Dirty. It's like if anyone else shared a story like this or even worse I could see Gods grace covering it. Yet for me, it's like it's not for me. It's for everyone except me. I don't know why I think that way. I want to go back and say cause dad did what he did. He painted a picture of how God sees me and what God will do to me. I can still see him acting out the story. Doesn't matter who did what that has helped form my way of thinking. It's just gotta get repaired.

This is the me portion. All other sharing has been what has happened to me. But not about what I did.

I spoke to God about letting go of what happened to the little girl with in and I feel like to let go of what happened I would loose her. She'd be gone. Perhaps to loose her would be to gain her.

[Dora]

I often feel like there is no complete healing for me because the effects are so many and the types of things that happened are so many. Lately Gods been giving me this verse....

Matt 9:20Just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak.
21She said to herself, If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed.

[Dora]

Luke 7:37When a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house, she brought an alabaster jar of perfume, 38and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.

Felt unworthy to even come to him this way. I think I'm getting there.
Praise be to Him.

When that old guilt comes back and I feel ashamed to be in His presence I come back to this story. And spend time with Him there.

[ciny]

Hi Pine
this is about the woman with the issue of bleeding i was healed of a simular problem not as bad as the as the woman with the issue of blood.
it was around 8 years ago i had problems with my menstrolcycle the doctor tryed to treat it with birthcontol in my early tewntys and it almost caused a stroke it helped with the problem for a while,i had to quit using the meds.
when God healed me from this it was a turning point in my faith i started
looking into my heart at the unforgiveness i had tword people that hurt me and started praying for them.to forgive them and for their salvation its been a bumpy walk im getting healed a long the way
Pine are inner child can heal together love you to. when i read this it made me think of that healing.
God had his hands on our lifes as children and he always will.
Love ya Ciny

[Dora]

Ciny I praise God for you! He has and is doing wonderful things through you and in you.

Love you much

[Mackenaw]

Hello Piney

God bless you this day.

I'm always moved by the stories of the various women named Mary. This Mary is Lazarus and Martha's sister. Seems the different mentions of her in The Bible, she is at The Lord's feet, or in deep prayer. Remember when she was mourning the death of Lazarus -- all those other people everywhere, sorta raising a ruckus in their mourning, but Mary...there was something different...she was also thinking about Jesus and wondering how all the puzzle pieces fit -- even in her despair.

Seems peeps were always willing to rub her nose in her past. Martha maybe? Martha seems she was the "reliable" one between the two. Reliable in keeping busy and taking care of things, but Mary -- well she was seeking healing, and she knew from Whom she would receive that healing: Jesus.

The verse you gave said "...a woman who had lived a sinful life..." Some of our sins are more visible or known to others. Some are hidden and/or masked -- maybe even hidden in all the "busy work", having others believe we are sooooooooooo good.

Mary chose the better thing...Jesus. She knew her only hope was in Jesus, and she was deeply, deeply, deeply moved by His very presence.

Oh, how I love The Word. Thank You Jesus.

God bless and keep you, Piney.
Love,
Mack

[xxJILLxx]

I just love those scriptures!



Love u pine!

God bless
♥Jill

[Dora]

Yesterday I realized I have a fear of being judged. Even by God. So I stay at a distance from Him and everyone. Or maybe a better definition of it is I had a wall up. In protection mode. Ready to run when the judgment comes.

I began by binding this fear of judgment and since then I've had such a relief. I feel so free. Able to come to Him with my alabaster box and pour over His feet and receive His mercy and grace.

I'm not sure if binding something like this is enough. Don't want to get caught back up in where I was because of things left not finished. Not sure what more to do. So I'm posting in hopes someone has thoughts or ideas they can share with me.

Since doing this binding of judgment I've felt such a release that I can be me. If/when others judge I can just break it off and turn to Christ. The thought of Him judging me brings this feeling of death. He gives life not death. So I know He won't judge me.

I guess it's just a process of continually renewing the mind till He returns for me. Then this battle with in will be over. Until then...one step in front of the other.

[Tam]

YAY!!!!! Pine
So glad that you are feeling a release. But now you know that the devil will try to throw this back up at you. When he does....all you gotta do is say that you are bound in Jesus name Leave me be.
Take your stand and take back the ground that the enemy has stolen from you sis!

[Mackenaw]

Hello Piney

Like Tam said, wooooohooooo on receiving the release. God is so very Good!!!

Piney, sometimes when a "feeling" like that comes at me, instead of fighting it with Truth, I lay it aside -- but not far enough out of reach that I don't still feel the vibrations of it. I convince myself that I've rid myself of it, but...then it comes back at me in a different form.

...sneaky

Then melancholy slips in, first in a passive way, then wham bam, ty you ma'am I'm in a full fledged pity party, and tempted to listen to B.J. Thomas' song "Hey, won't you play another somebody done somebody wrong, song". Eeeuuuuwwwww, I hate when that happens.

The answer, for me: REPENT! REPENT!! REPENT!!!

It is part of this walk. We are, at times, gonna be judged by others. Forgive them. Because we know how it twists itself on us, if we don't.

Hope this helps.

God bless and keep you, Piney.
Love,
Mack