The Inner Child

[Dora]

Well I logged in as soon as I got home to delete what I wrote. And there Macks responded. I can't delete what I wrote and leave people wondering what Macks talking about. Besides if the desire to delete it is that strong then maybe I should be leaving it. Perhaps there's a greater purpose for it being there than I realize.

On the road today one of my thoughts were about you Mack and I knew you'd say something along the lines of what you said. Even before I read your words or knew your post, just knowing Mack would encourage me that God is still there and God is still good, it gave me a rising of strength inside. Faithful sister Mack.

I want to get to the root as to why when others say something to me I hear it as them calling me an idiot when reality they were not saying or even thinking such a thing.

More dreams last night of everyone judging me and leaving me. Rejected.

God has done so much in me already that if there wasn't anymore healing to come I'd be fine. I trust that in time these issues will fade away. The dragon will be concurred and the little girl will be free. By the grace of God through His healing. Praising Him for His love and patience. I know through Him I have a future and He makes all things purposeful.

[Dora]

I do feel at times anger coming up. Tired of the fight, tired of the things that were done to me effecting me. But I won't give in to being angry. It's only a waist of time and I won't let the enemy have even that much glory.

[deetu]

Shame. "You shouldn't share what goes on inside. You should have it together by now. Now everyone will walk away."

Oh what a lie!!!
I know I would never leave you and I know others won't too.
Piney, the truth is you are getting closer to being free of this and the enemy is trying harder to keep you from it.
Stand your ground! Jesus in you is stronger!

[Tam]

I see a girl in a cave, dark and cold, alone and scared. Wanting out to reach the ones she loves.

Are you in my head again Pine. The only difference is ther is no way out for me. No way. Everything is cemented up and she is left there all alone to die.

There is hope for you . You have been doing so awesome. Can you take her by her hand and lead her to safety? Can you get that close to her.
I konw that you can get pass this. I believe in you sis.
Tam

[Mackenaw]

Hello Piney

God is so very Good.

God bless you this day.

Yesterday, I awakened to the most beautiful smell. It smelled like an awesome beef stew or as Julia Child would call it "Boeuf Bourguignon". I thought it a little strange my hubby would be making such an elaborate dish so early in the day, but none-the-less, yummmmmmmmmm!!!

I came downstairs to find two loaves (as in meatloaf) of fresh out of the oven, homemade dog food -- turkey, no less -- that hubby had just made.

Well, it smelled like Beouf Bourguignon.

So goes it with challenges. Sometimes they smell the same as past bad experiences, but they are not the same.

God is so very Good.

Love you, Piney.
Mack

[Dora]

Thank you Mack and Tam

Been considering your story Mack and keeping an open mind.

Talked to the Lord about new foundation. Which has been my prayer to Him for a few weeks now.

This morning when I woke I felt drawn to the bible. I said to Him, I can't find my KJV. Which is the one I read out of most of the time. He said that was ok and my eyes fell on my NIV. "This one will do," is what I heard. I felt I was to open and read. I opened and my eyes fell on Hosea 2:1b "......My loved one."

A love letter from the Lord. Him drawing me closer and showing me His love for me.

I struggled all day with the thoughts of how these words are for the Israelite. Not me. For His chosen, not me.

When I spoke to Him about it I saw a picture of His words, "My loved one." going into my stomach and a volcano like fire burning them up so they can not be heard, seen, or found. I asked what He wants me to do about this. He said that I would be filled with the fountain of living water.

I shared the volcano thing with a friend and she shared what she saw was a fountain of water and how when water hits lava it cools it and turns it into rock.

[Dora]

I feel like that little girl is in a place of waiting.

As if things are coming into alignment that will allow her to be who she was designed to be.

Um when I say that I hear, dads words. Piece of crap, a nobody and even hear him laugh.

Sometimes I feel I'll never be free of all these words and names.

All things are possible through Christ who gives me strength. And faith can move a mountain.

I will wait in expectation as He moved the mountain of words used against me.

Wow it's amazing how the memory of just a few words can drag a person back into this dark depression like state.

I refuse to stay there. I know they are lies and I know the way out! And choose to fight. I won't stay there.

Lots of pictures come through my mind. I see the little girl sitting on a wooden food trough for the cows, which was in the field near the pond (a place she loved to go to fish so daddy would be proud of her, the one thing she could do better than her sister, fish) near by was the tree where she made a "fort". Which amounted to a few old boards on a tree limb. Her safe place. Or so she thought. She never got hurt there.

So I see her sitting there, with her elbow on her knee and chin resting on her hand. Thinking and waiting. Wondering when she'll be rescued. Then I wonder what will it take to rescue her. I've been seeing this picture often for many months now. Her white dress appears dingy. Covered in a powdery dirt perhaps.

When I think of this she turns her head towards me, as if excited to see someone has noticed her. Then she feels the loss of love and returns to her position of thinking and waiting.

I saw this when in the woods in Missouri. At the first cross. Just after that wonderful wind blew in and wrapped around me. It entered with in and lifted her. Her dress was white as snow during that moment. All her cares and heart aches were removed. She felt the all consuming love of her daddy.

One day, perhaps not till heaven, she will feel that way constantly. I am so grateful for that moment and others where He rushed in.

I have had a picture of God during judgment day, behind a judges podium. Cold hearted and angry, ready to punish those who offended Him. This picture was drawn for me long ago. A tactic used to keep me in line. To scare me into keeping the law. I see me with my head hung in shame and with out a chance to even explain my own defense the gavel comes down and I'm sentences. Jesus himself walks me to the door where I receive my punishment. On the other side of the door is fire and screaming thrashing people.

Though I know....I know...I KNOW this is not the way God works this picture is there. It's real to the point it brings tears. Train up a child in the way they should go and when they are old....well you know the rest. It's like swimming up stream to come against what was ingrained, remove it and replace it. Though I am in expectation that He will give me a new picture and remove the old. Because HE is God and He can do anything. It leaves me with a sort of push/pull in our relationship. I have one foot on the side of being loved and accepted and one foot on being judged and rejected. God is good. He won't leave me here.

I asked Him the other day, "Do you love me?" I heard, "Yes my son." I went huuuuu? I'm not a son! Must of heard wrong. So I asked why he called me His son. He said because He sees His son with in me. We did this twice.

This morning I was reminded of this and asked again do you love me. He said yes my daughter then it was as if I could hear him laugh. Not a cruel laugh, but a laugh as if he had pleasure that together we over come this one thing.

I trust...I TRUST....He has more. He will refine the issues that are left. My God is beautiful and won't let me perish.

[Dora]

I have this picture on my dresser facing where I sit when I'm in my most comfy spot. It's of this little girl. I acquired this picture at my dads death. It was his and my family thought I might want it.

At first I put it face down in my drawer so I didn't have to look at that little girls face. She seemed so ugly to me. There was nothing about her that I liked.

A while back I took the picture out of my drawer and placed in on my dresser so that when I walked by I saw her. Just a glimpse. Usually I would think something like, "stupid child." I really hated her for all the mistakes she made. For all the pain she brought me.

It was when I started realizing she wasn't so stuipid, it was just the choices of others that hurt her as well as myself that I turned her picture to face me. Many times I thought why do I keep that picture there.

Then there she is in my avatar. I cringe. Others will see her. Will they see what my dad saw. What I saw.

If she wasn't me, if she was someone elses child, besides the one who lives with in me I would be so anxious to get to know her. To watch her play and play with her. Perhaps I think to little of her. Perhaps I think to much of her. Perhaps one day He will show me how He sees her.

I want to remove the picture. To hide her again. But I think perhaps she needs to stay a while. He was right there is "lots more" to heal. But the roots are almost pulled. Then the gardening will be easier.

He hated her when she was still in the womb. But he was just a man struggling in a dark evil world. Broken and misled. He was not the creator, just the vessel used. God created her and knew her. And wanted her? Click. Disconnection in the line. Hmmmm. Why wouldn't He want what He created? Ok done rattling.

[Tam]

Pine when I look at that picture I see a little girl who was wanted, who was created by her Masters hand for a purpose. I see a loving child that wants to be loved by you. I see a child that is loved by HIM.
I see that little girl that wants to run and play.
I challenge you to see that same little girl. THe one who is loved, wanted. THe one who wants to run and play. The one who wants to climb up in Dad's lap and tell Him all about her day at the end of a fun filled day.
He is waiting with arms open wide sis.
He loves you so much.
I love you also and will be praying that you can begin to love you also.
Tam

[mlg]

What a beautiful little girl you were...I had long hair too when I was a little girl. I am so blessed that you shared that picture of you with us. Thank you sis....I bet your snowy looked a lot like that when she was a child...just lovely.

luv ya

[goldieluvs]

awwwwwwww pine what a beYoutiful picture!!! I can only add an Amen to Tam's response. Thanks SO much for sharing and opening up. Truly beYoutiful

luv u sis

[Dora]

thank you all s you are all so sweet.

I greatly appreciate your gifts of encouragement and love and support.

I do see growth and change so I guess I just trust in Him to continue it forward.

love ya all