The Inner Child

[goldieluvs]

awww piney sis wow wat awesome testimony. I got chill bumps reading ur post. I am so thankful u saw fit to share with us. God is SO GOOD!

luv ya

[deetu]

awww piney
So proud of you... so happy for you...

More healing Lord... total healing Jesus
Thank you Father

[Dora]

You all have been terrific.

Over the past 2 months I thought the battle was over. I've had such peace with the past. It's had NO effect on me.

I'm required to take classes on what is child abuse, what it's like, learn about triggers and how to handle a child when he/she begins to share what happened to them.

When the instructor shared a bit about what some of these abused and neglected children go through my hand started trembling and the movies in my mind started rolling. From one memory to another. Since the walk in through the past the memories would come back but they didn't effect me. There was no emotion. I could just shrug my shoulder and know it doesn't matter what it was, it's over, and all is forgiven. I had peace.

I tried to pay attention but my eyes glanced around the room to make sure no one was noticing that I wasn't really ok at that moment. It's like I feel they see the movie that is playing in my head. I share this because I know some who read this do this too. Checking to make sure we have it all hidden still.

It's when looking around the room I realize the rest of the room is just watching the disaster that's playing out on the news channel while I have lived the disaster. Ever been there? You've lived through something that others are devastated to hear about. It can kinda make anger flair up. And tears.

The spirit with in me gets restless looking for a place to hide. It's as if she is screaming "That is what happened to me!" But no one hears. No one hears because I won't let her tell. "Shhhhhhhhh...they'll see who you are." No one cares! But they do! But she won't believe it. To know doesn't set you free. To believe truth brings freedom. I want to believe.

Looking at her, the spirit with in, I see the blood, the cuts, the bruises, the dirt. Her hair a mess. If others saw her what would they say. Would they just walk away? Would they never speak to me again? Would they make excuses as to why it happened? Like others in the past have.

So the journey continues.

She is so much farther than she was. Though I feel that progress has gone stagnant I know if It's Gods will I completely heal, and I know it is, then I will one day be complete.

I'm so thankful for you all, for my spouse who has been so patient, and mostly for the Lord Jesus for He is the one who brings healing.

[goldieluvs]

awwwwwwwww pine sis

When u shared about ur feelings through the instructors words, its cuz u know in ur heart what those children went through. Sis, i can almost guarantee you that you weren't the only person in the room who was abused. Statistics twenty years ago said that 1 in every 4 women were abused by time they were 18 and 1 in every 7 men. The thing about those statistics is that they are based on only the ones that are reported, and while women are more likely to report than men,, there are women that go without reporting it. I recently saw in the newspaper where child abuse is escalating. Ok ya got zinged a lil, enemy saw a weak point and honed right on in, but sis,,,, u took it to God and that is SO very awesome!

I feel ya when u said that growth had gotten stagnant... what i see in that is that healing takes time.. kinda like how growing into adulthood takes time.. there are periods of rest and periods of growth spurts. So, perhaps rather than being stagnant it is just a period of rest time before that next growth spurt.(more healing)

Healing IS possible sis and you have come soooo very far. Its ok to have some rest times cuz we need em in order to gather strength to continue to Overcome... sis u are well on ur way and I am sooo very proud of u cuz it is not an easy road we travel and yep my sister one day you WILL be healed!!! Of that i have no doubt... in meantime just keep on a keeping on and know that you are loved and God has ya sis for sure! And HE ain't gonna let go!!!

luvs u sooo very much

[Dora]

Thank you Goldie. Love you much!

I don't want to get stuck in that mode of "I was____!!!!" Fill in the blank.

That's when the muck seems to get thick and I get stuck.

For now training is over. Except a program I'm suppose to be reading. By choice. It's taken me about 9 months and I'm only a few chapters in. To take in info about how to heal is fine, but any info about what it's like to be broken sets me back right now. Or zings me like you said.

I don't know where to go now for more healing. Except to Him. I do know I don't want to just be stagnant. I just remembered the walk and what He did for me during that walk. Proof of Gods love and protection and concern over His child. I just gotta hold on tight to what He gave me that day.

There are more mandated reporters as well. Which will make the statistics go higher.

[goldieluvs]

awwwwwww pine You are going to the perfect source for healing! Perhaps instead of thinking "I was _______" replace that with I HAVE OVERCOME!! Becuz sis, you survived making u a survivor and with Him holding ya (I promise He Ain't gonna let go) u will heal! I'm keeping ya in prayers sis

luv u sooo very much and i see God working thru u and it is awesome to see sis... Don't be so hard on urself. Just a period of rest to gather strength, not stagnant. When you have rested, u will resume and keep reaching for Him sis, cuz He is the Healer. I am here if u ever wanna talk,

[Dora]

Thank you Goldie. Some good advice there.

[Tam]

Prayers are with you Pine. Keep on hanging in there.

[Dora]

TAM! How are you doing? Can't wait to hear what the Lord is doing in your life. I think your surgery is going to be like my walk, a time where the Lord reveals to you his will. Love you! Bunches.

[Dora]

So much more to work on.

Counselor released me a few months back to be on a call if I need her basis. Would like to talk, but sorta feel like she doesn't really care. Maybe it shouldn't matter. One of the things is the feel like no one cares. Or atleast if they did today, maybe they just walked away. Someone shared in chat their huge pain and how at the end of the day after all the advice given to them, they still wear the shoes alone. That's how I feel. I get advice but I look down and I'm still wearing these shoes alone. Nothing anyone can say will change that or remove that feeling. It's lonely.

I think of the foot prints in the sand poem and it does bring a bit of comfort.

I want to go off alone. The pain and abuse feels like comfort. It's what I knew. It's what I deserve. Must sound crazy to someone who's not been there. So I struggle to not let myself seek pain. I hear myself ask what does it matter. And all the stuff that goes along with it. I don't matter, there is no future, there is no purpose or plan, Dad was right. Lies? Probably. How'd I get here. I was flying high and over coming. I look at my guitar and think I should practice more and hear, "Worthless, you can't do it." I'm not going to give in. He was wrong. Or at least I keep telling myself that. His words will haunt me forever it seems.

When someone is unhappy. It's my fault. It was always my fault. So today I still accept it as my fault. Can I just have a refund please? The more I try to work out the issues the bigger they seem to get. Like waking a sleeping dragon.

I want to not accept things as my fault when others aren't happy and I want to not live in fear they'll leave me. I want to not take everything everyone says as an insult. To stop looking for the tear down (of me) with in their words or actions. I know they love me and I love them enough I want to be whole so I don't hurt them any longer.

I see a girl in a cave, dark and cold, alone and scared. Wanting out to reach the ones she loves. But the dragon is in the way. Her movement wakes him and he blows hot flames at her to keep her still. No matter what is said by the ones who love her and care it is still her that must proceed alone.

No need to respond. Just me sharing where the inner child is at right now. This to shall pass.

[Dora]

Shame. "You shouldn't share what goes on inside. You should have it together by now. Now everyone will walk away."

[Mackenaw]

Hello Piney

Oh, the ole "bait and switch" routine. Yea, the enemy does that to me sometimes, and sadly I do fall for it occasionally. But, Good News, God is still on His throne, Christ Jesus still is the blessed Bridge between us and God, and The Holy Spirit is right there with us to guide us across the Bridge.

Reach out to Him.

I'm praying for you. God's blessed will be done.

God bless and keep you, Piney.
Love and hugs,
Mack