The Inner Child

[Dora]

Counseling has kinda left me feeling a bit

Then to come home to a noisy house full of people and a teen that is not to happy with cubby and I right now.

The counselor asked me what do I want to get out of going back.

What came to mind was pictures of what happened and words. One was to prove it was real to my family.

What really does that matter what they think and this won't prove anything to people who don't want to accept the truth.

Picture to was of how my dad and mom and uncle fought after my sister ran home to tell my parents my uncle was in the woods and I didn't come home. They came looking for me. A fight broke out. Mom seemed hurt by his words. Like he triggered a memory of shame and guilt. I wonder if he hurt her too.

Each time I see this picture my mind flips to a darkness in the woods. I ask what do I want to get from visiting this portion of the woods again and I hear to unlock the memories of what happened. If that happens, I'm not looking forward to it. Would much rather have that happen in the counselors office than out in the woods. I wonder why everytime I see my mom feeling this shame of uncles words my mind flips to this portion of the woods. Are they connected?

A time when he caught me in the woods and snuck up on me. And I dropped my necklace. I feel the shock and see the necklace that I loved so much slip out of my hands and disappear into the leaves on the forest floor. I asked what do I want to get out of going back to this place and I want that necklace back. I know I won't find it. 30 years of deterioration. There is nothing left, I'm certain. But I lost something and I want it back. It won't be the necklace. But the little girl.

A time when I walked into a drug sting. A man was being stabbed over and over. The bad guy saw me and came at me. My uncle was there and tried to scare me off, but I didn't run. The other man grabbed me and put a large knife to my neck. I have often felt that knife to my throat this past few weeks. He argued with my uncle. My uncle begging him to not kill me. The man saying over and over he's going to kill the little girl. The fight over how my uncle didn't produce his end of the deal by providing a safe place for the drug deal because there were kids in the woods. Now it's gone bad. He kept saying he's going to kill the little girl. The authorities came over the hill and swarmed the place. One tended to the guy that was bleeding. The guy with the knife to my throat put the knife away. I took off running. It was just to over whelming. I remember hearing them yelling stop or they'll shoot. I was crying so hard I couldn't see. My uncle was yelling at them to not shoot she's just a little girl. Everyone was nervous. All the police were yelling. My uncle yelled at me to stop or he'd tell my dad I didn't listen to him. I stopped dead in my tracks. My uncle told the police to let me go. They discussed who's child I was and where I lived at. He told them I just was playing in the woods. The police told me to go. And my uncle yelled at me to run home. I ran up half way up the hill but was to out of breath so I stopped and hid behind a tree. I heard another man say he has me in his sites, just say the word. The tension grew again. More yelling and arguing and cursing. My uncle yelled at me to go home, go all the way home, don't stop running till you get all the way home or I'll tell you dad.

My counselor asked what that little girl needs. I told her she needs her mommy. Because that is what she kept saying inside is I want my mommy, I want my mommy.

She had me as the adult be her mommy because my mommy wasn't there for me. I took her hand and led her home. What happened was just the past. I didn't die. They didn't shoot me. It just is so shakening as an adult to go back and admit that death was so close. How many times it was so close! Sometimes I think if only I had of died, I would of suffered less. I wouldn't be setting her today with such a huge hole in my heart. There is just so much!

I get so frustrated when people cry and complain over little things like not being able to afford the dress they want. Or thinking their world has ended because they lost their boy friend/girlfriend of three weeks. I know it seems so real to them. I know they struggle. But I want to scream at them they have no idea what struggle is. To live with so many memories of being so near death as a child, and abuse. I want to scream, doesn't anyone know my pain! But no one does and it doesn't matter. Everyday I sit and listen/hear of the sad stories of how someones day is ruined because they didn't get what they wanted, people stressing over such little things when inside no one else knows the struggle I'm going through. If I shared with you everything that happened to me, you'd walk away. It would be to much. It's to much for me. It's to much for my family to admit to.

I still see the blood, I feel it on my hands. I feel the knife on my throat or in my side. I feel the cold breeze against my cheek. I smell the moldy moss on the trees. I hear the crows. I hear the animals scattering in the woods. Deer, squirrels? Who knows. I just want to get home before I fall over. Before he gets to me again.

Why did I keep going back?! Because when I got home and told mom she'd say it was my imagination. Just a story. I need to stop making up stories before I hurt someone. But then when there was evidence I was in to much shock to share and the drugs he gave me made me sick and sleepy. She knew. I know she had to of known. She told me to stop going into the woods. But it was so adventurous. The animals, the trees, the creeks, the hiding places, the forts I had built. After all the bad stuff was just my imagination so I went back for the fun stuff.

[Dora]

I'm so tired and depressed today. I don't have energy to even lift my arms. I've got so much work to do and I feel to confused to even begin.

Nightmares last night.

Memories this morning.

I feel like I'm doing this on my own instead of with the Lord. It was so much easier with him. How do I get back to where he's leading instead of me trying to force it.

Things were uncovered in counseling yesterday. I just feel numb. Yet it hurts. My skin even feels painful.

I'm so tired. I just want to rest.

[deetu]

Pine, it is hardest right before the breakthrough and the enemy doesn't want that breakthrough.
Remember to bind the enemy and his demons in Jesus's name before going to sleep.
Remember to tell him to leave in Jesus's name when he continues to toment you.

This helped me.
Lucifer was an angel created by God... he is not equal to God. Satan's dominions are below him.
He is also not omnipresent so it is not even him tormenting you but one of his lower followers.
Jesus is part of God and is in you through the Holy Spirit. So you are stronger then them.
Once I saw this in that light, it made it easier for me to stand up in authority.

I believe if you try to confront your family it will turn out different then if you start your healing with your crosses and let Gods comfort and grace lead you.

[Mackenaw]

I love you, Pine.

I'm praying God's blessed will for you.

God bless and keep you,
Mack

[Dora]

Love you to Mackenaw!

Plagued with thoughts of what happened in the woods I will return to and what possibly will happen.

Last night I said, I'm not going to go back and all thoughts stopped. For once. First time in weeks they just stopped running through my mind. I said I have to return and they started again. Thoughts of what might be that make me tremble. Thoughts of what happened that make me cry. Because they stop when I said I'm not going to return it must be warfare trying to keep me from it, which means I must go.

I see thoughts of how bad the spiritual warfare may be. Like I'm returning to a ground owned by the enemy. A place he has been given power and authority. I'll carry deetus words with me. I see me in the woods and being slapped by a spirit. I thought that is weird! Then I remembered the spot I was thinking of was where a man slapped me. Then I saw more. Like the spirit was doing to me what this man did. I stopped the thoughts because that's all they are, thoughts placed in me to scare me into not going.

As far as confronting my family, I have decided what happened is my testimony. To me it is precious and still very fragile. I will only share it with those I trust to not try to destroy it. They know my uncle hurt me. They know he sold time with little girls for drugs. They don't need to know more. They had the chance once to receive the truth of the abuse with in our home when I spoke up about it and they denied it. I have forgiven them but there's a little girl still hurting terribly that I have to protect from those who would rather deny that life for her was less than perfect. There is a wall between me and my family that I built the day they did that to me. I can't take that wall down and trust them again. Their love is here one day and gone the next.

Smiley said:

You know how bad it is when it comes out...imagine what its doing to you when it stays inside.

When they are opened up I seem to be in so much worse shape than before I even admitted to them. This past year and a half I've been looking at the past to try to find healing. Most of the time I think I was so much better off when it was boxed up neatly. I was making it in life. When I got past all the stuff my dad did to me I had such peace and joy, then these things started surfacing.

Trying to work through what words need to be burned into the crosses. One will be forgiven, one truth, and one redeemed. How many am I going to place is a question I ask. How many do I need to place. Mom said the National Forest behind her house is marked no trespassing. I don't understand how that can be. I don't know who to contact to get permission to go there. What if I can't go there.

I shared with cubby last night about how my sister ran home and told my parents our uncle was in the woods and she ran but I didn't. Mom and Dad came looking for me. They found my uncle walking me out of the woods and dad started arguing with him. Uncle threatened my dad and said something to shame my mom. I still carry that as my fault. If I was a good girl like my sister I would of ran. It's almost like I don't know how to receive forgiveness. I caused my parents trouble and I can't ask my dad to forgive me.

[Dora]

Yesterday my husband and I made the crosses.

It was an amazing time with the Lord. What therapy!

He took me to a place where I needed to forgive myself because my dad was effected. I was just a child and not responsible for what happened, just guilty of being curious and adventurous. Yet for some reason I carry guilt over this. While I was working on the cross tears flowed and I put the word Forgiven on this one. Still some work to do to get there though.

Then working on the second one God showed me how I don't love my dad the way a little girl would love her dad. He reminded me how now my dad is gentle. He's like Christ now that he's met him face to face. Not saying he is Christ, but he is a new man now that he's come into the understanding of what love is. I don't think my dad knew he was loved when he was here on this earth. With the Lords leading I began to work on loving my dad the way I should. To tear down the wall I've put there between us. This one has the word Loved burned into it and will go on his grave.

The third I kept seeing my necklace fall out of my hand when I was in shock because of the things my uncle was doing. I want that back. It probably was just a plastic necklace but to me as a child it was the most beautiful necklace in the world and when I wore it I felt like the most beautiful child in the world. A princess. This one I kept hearing the word redeemed when working on it. He showed me he's redeemed his little princess only now he has to catch me up to where he's at.

The 4th I thought would be truth because I keep asking if it's possible this is all a story I made up. But I know the truth and if others can't accept it or won't then that's up to them. While working on the 4th I kept hearing part of a song with the words I'll be safe in his arms. So that's the words that will be burned into this cross.

I've got a river of life flowing out of me!
Makes the lame to walk, and the blind to see.
Opens prison doors, sets the captives free!
I've got a river of life flowing out of me!
Spring up, O well, within my soul!
Spring up, O well, and make me whole!
Spring up, O well, and give to me
That life abundantly.

The 5th there was blood and I get stumbling on this one. I see the picture of it in the leaves and on my hand. This cross reads His blood. When I think of this picture of my blood I'll now see the cross and remember of his blood shed for me.

The 6th is near the creek. While working on this cross I kept hearing "the river" and seeing the creek. The song I've Got A River Of Life played through my head. So this cross says River of Life and will be placed beside the creek.

The 7th is in a valley. I trembled a lot while working on this one and had to stop often. A man was stabbed, and my life was threatened with a large knife and guns. I get stuck on this one cause knowing now how close it came shakes me up. I heard my uncle telling the man, "Don't do it Charlie she's just a child! Let her go!" He said this over and over begin the man to not kill me. He had already nearly killed a man so my life was nothing. The words that came to mind while working on this cross was Yea thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for thou art with me. After the verse was given to me I stopped shaking. My mom-in-law came to see what we were doing so I stopped to talk. The first words she said to me where, "Have you seen Charlie?" I got weak and shaky and panic stricken. "What do you mean, Charlie!" She said the goose has been missing for 2 days and they call him charlie. No one knows but my husband and I the goose got ran over a few days ago. He's been a good source of entertainment for us and our neighbors for many months now. We never told anyone it got ran over because there would be hurt feelings. I told my husband tonight it was no coincidence the goose died. And it was no coincidence mom came over and asked when she did. Because I was working on the cross that represented when a man named Charlie came into my life for a few moments. I had doubted that it was possible that I could remember his name. But now I know I can trust what I remember.

I made and 8th one for an area that haunts me. I don't know all of what happened. I'm afraid the memories will flow back when I get there. It's possible this one is not for me. I haven't been given a name yet.

[Tam]

WOW! Pine keep pressing in sis You are so amazing me
Love ya lots

[Lionhearted]

because I keep asking if it's possible this is all a story I made up.

i went through periods of this also sis; i believe its satan trying to further mess with our healing process. yes, because so much time has elapsed it can sure "seem" like it wasn't real. but you are right, we do know the truth don't we.

it sounds like your healing is doing magnificently; i'm soooo happy for you sis

you are soooo close to your summit!!

luvuloads

[Dora]

Thank you both for your kind words.



I just called my sister.

Something that has been worrying me is when I'll take this trip into the woods and what will my family say when I tell them I need to go somewhere with out them.

I asked my sister if it was possible she would take my kids to church Easter Sunday. They are attending a church where a man from my past goes. I use to go along with them. He plays the part of a victim for pity and has my family believing I've done him wrong. His wife doesn't want me there. It has caused her to stop going to church at times. Because of coarse she believes what he says. So does the preacher. The last time I saw him he gave me that poor me look and I just walked away. I felt bad. I have the right to choose to just walk away. I care about him and his family and I pray for him. But I don't have to continue to pretend all is well. I'm certain this is the next area God wants to work on. The least of all the evils. But right now, I need to work on other things. So I won't be going to church Easter Sunday. If they had been going to a different church I would go and make the trip to the woods a different day. Though I really want to do this on Easter. My trip begins good Friday and so it seems appropriate I go find the little girl and release her from the pit she's in on Easter.

So Easter morning cubby and I will take the crosses to the woods. I have to get permission from mom, and the neighbor that bought the property. I haven't been to moms house in 16 years because she asked me not to for my safety and the safety of my children. It is now safe as those who made it unsafe are gone. So I am sure she'll have no problem with me going and the neighbor has given me permission before.

When I asked my sister about me taking this walk in the woods that I need to take. She never asked a question. I was so worried she would. She didn't ask why, where, what happened, what you doing there or anything. She just said that sounds like a good idea. I was shocked. I was so worried she'd want to know everything and then she'd tell others and then others would say I'm lieing or spread things even farther, they'd question why I didn't say anything sooner or what ever. I have to do this, but it feels to fragile to come against humans who want to stop me. The demons continue to torment me and scare me so I won't go. I keep saying Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for thou art with me. I'm going to do this! I am doing this! Gods already got it done. He's just catching me up to his speed.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for allowing me to get things out. I had a good long talk with cubby last night about what has happened and what the Lord is doing. For some reason I can type it, but it's hard to speak it. Didn't hold back the words or tears. It ended with us both smiling.

He spent the day fiddling around the wood shop while I worked because he knew I had to do the work. He helped cut the boards and fasten them together. But the sanding, and the words I had to do. It was therapy. While I did this he wanted to help, but resisted for my sake. The entire day he hung out with me while I worked. He wanted to be working on maple syrup. He told me today he had such a good time together. He said he wanted to burn down the sap into syrup but making the crosses was a much more fulfilling project. I was shocked. This guy loves making maple syrup and he took the chance of the sap going bad by not cooking it yesterday.

[deetu]

Awww Pine!

This is amazing and I am so glad you are recognizing the enemy's attacks and pushing through them.

I think your sister knows and believes what happened, that is why she is encouraging you. It could also be that she was abused by someone but suppressed the memory or isn't strong enough yet to share.

I am so glad that you have cubby. That he will be with you, not to do it for you but so you know you have love and support despite what happened to you.

Only thing I want you to keep in your mind. Do not go with set thoughts of how something is going to be received and what you are going to do or not do. Let the Holy Spirit lead you. Even if it is something you don't want to do. Continually ask Him to guide your words, thoughts and deeds. Let Him break down those walls... so you can have total healing.

Father, I ask for continued strength for Pine.
Thank you for what you are doing in her.
We ask for total freedom
In Jesus's name.

[Lionhearted]

awwwwww my sis!!!

He told me today he had such a good time together.

what a good guy he is!!!

i know you will understand it when i say, "God is already at work turning the ugly into beauty"

i found this when i was going thru my healing; the people who helped me through it .... we ended up becoming much, much closer!!!

its not that we chose this mess "to be closer" to our hubbies and/or friends .... its just how God works his "magic"!!!



luvuloads pinella

[Dora]

Yesterday was sort of again. I'm beginning to think the counseling days are just going to be that way. I typed out my journal then I didn't post it. Not sure why. Posting it now. Not really sure why.

I think your sister knows and believes what happened, that is why she is encouraging you. It could also be that she was abused by someone but suppressed the memory or isn't strong enough yet to share.

I think she knows. I seem to be the hot topic of discussion amongst them right now. So I don't think anything I've shared with anyone there was kept private like I had asked. Gods still working on them in that area. I don't care if they know as long as they don't accuse me or treat me differently.

Only thing I want you to keep in your mind. Do not go with set thoughts of how something is going to be received and what you are going to do or not do. Let the Holy Spirit lead you. Even if it is something you don't want to do. Continually ask Him to guide your words, thoughts and deeds. Let Him break down those walls... so you can have total healing.

That's a good thought. I'll keep that in mind and try to lean towards prayer instead of letting my mind race ahead to what could be ahead.

Thank you for your prayer deetu

Amen Lion sis

Trying to process what todays counseling revealed. I don't feel like I got anywhere. Just caught her up to speed on the weeks work. I still shake when I think I have to talk about. Even sharing here still makes me shake.

Especially the part I shared a few days ago. With the police. I think gee little girl you were in the valley of the shadow of death. It was a valley and my life was threatened. And she survived. By the grace of God probably. I want to get to the point I can look at this memory and not tremble but respond with strength that God I can do anything. Even face fear or death. I wonder if there is a reason God allowed this to happen. If there a purpose for my dad teaching me not to fear some very scary things. But then there I go rushing ahead.

Todays counseling was about feeling lesser than others because of my past.
Dad would be in my face telling me I'm worthless. A mistake. I would allow those words to penetrate every cell so I wouldn't "forget who I was." His words.

Moms way of keeping him from killing me was to tell him they'd take away all the kids. The "good ones". So in moms eyes I wasn't a good one. Not true. Just how I saw it as a child. She was just trying to sooth the beast with in my dad so we could all make it another day.

Sisters would tell me I messed up again. My fault. The family is falling apart and it's my fault. Their way of trying to be dads perfect little girls so to win his favor. So they could pretend away all the bad and live their life as if their dad was wonderful. To them he was.

He was just ill. A product of alcoholism and child abuse. Trying to raise 4 girls in a neighborhood he knew was dangerous. Every day he left for work he knew he was leaving behind a wife and 4 girls with this man who had broken into our home living next door. A man he must of known hurt women and children and was involved in illegal activity.

This morning I'm thinking there are so many words ingrained in me it seems near impossible to remove them. Every one is so ingrained. I guess there's just to many times it was pounded into my head so I could get it in my head that I was who he claimed and never forget it. I wonder why it was so important to him that I believed I was who he wanted me to be. Why did it bother him that I'd think I'm just like everyone else. What did he find wrong in me that he didn't find in my sisters.

I talked to mom and one sister yesterday on the phone. I sorta sensed their disapproval. Could be just my imagination. So I didn't allow the conversation to get personal. I told my mom I hope she wasn't offended that I wasn't going to church on Easter. She said I could do as I pleased, but her tone said she was disappointed. Trying to take her words at face value and not pull back.

One sister has gone off missing. This is not real unusual. Only my uncle is hiding from the law. No one knows where. So I wonder if she is safe. I don't feel as safe going to the woods with him hiding. If the police find him he's going back to prison. I hope for the safety of so many they find him. I would have so much peace if they found him before my trip home.

Momof3 and Lion thank you for talking to me yesterday. Lion what were those verses again? I am thinking a bit clearer after some time to think about what is going on with my family.