The Inner Child

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Yes pine we are VERY blessed to have a forgiving God......and a sister/friend like you

May God bless you Pine
Cuc

[Dora]

I don't know what is going on. Triggers are going off daily. And tonight I'm just angry. Angry that these people did this to me. I have learned if I hold in my anger I turn against myself and get dangerous. So I have to some how not hold it in. This anger seems to come in waves.

I think what started this is I had to take my son to urgent care. It was closed. My husband said to take him to this other urgent care. I said, "I can't!!!" He had no idea why I couldn't go to that other urgent care. Blah! And I'm not going into detail. I just can't step into that office. I was wronged there. And now I'm angry all over again. He shouldn't be allowed to practice medicine. I was so use to being at fault for people doing wrong things to me that I was certain he was right when he said I knew all along what he was doing. But I didn't. I trusted him as a professional.

I wish I could just take all this and bundle it up and send it off some where. My mind just won't rest. I've been helping others, keeping busy with projects, cleaning and organizing, reading spiritual books and the bible, getting out of the house, and some music as well as reading things and watching things that would lift my mood. Being careful not to watch or be around anything that might bring me down farther.

Some say God is angered when someone hurts children. Some say God is never angry but instead is concerned for the victim. I feel like a little girl wishing daddy would go get'em. Reminds me of a little boy I watch who was offended by anther child. He came to me and said, "Go smack 'em Mrs. Dora, go smack 'em." I had to turn my head to hide a little giggle at the though of him wanting me to defend him by going to "smack em." I have never "smacked" a child. So this was rather cute to hear him expect this from me. That is how I feel I am with God right now. Why doesn't he go smack 'em? I wonder if perhaps He is more concerned with me healing that smacking the bad guy. Or maybe the time hasn't come. I really struggle with knowing my uncle is still at large harming innocent. I heard he has aides. Is he possibly that horrible a person he would knowingly be transmitting this disease to his victims. My sister is living with him. Thoughts of that are more than I know how to deal with. Makes me want to scream.

Possibly this is all brought on because I called the authorities Friday to see if there was any news. I have waited 2 months. I felt that was an appropriate time to wait. No one was available so I have to call back monday. I struggle every time I call. Knowing they know what happened causes me such mental anguish. It's like my big ugly dirty past is spread all over the police station there and here. Soon it will be plastered all over my home town shortly. Which is what I want because I want the community to know what this man is like. But, it is so difficult on me! If I were to take care of me I'd hide this. I'd keep it hidden like it was a bomb. I'd burry it so deep with in the earth that no one would ever find it. BUT there is someone going to get hurt by him so I must break the silence. For her or them, I would give my life. I feel I have laid down my life for this, but nothing is happening, or so it feels. I must trust. He says it isn't any of my business so I try to stay out of it until I feel more turmoil in the not knowing that I feel when I contact them. His love is felt as He protects me through this. He seems very concerned over me in that portion of my life.I really do believe He has control over that. Perhaps if I give Him the other things that are bothering me

Today we build the closet in the down stares bedroom that we have been working on for our boys. It's been a slow project as we keep running into money issues. Today went well. Cubby and I and our two boys worked together. We laughed a lot! We got a lot done or so it felt. I kept busy and focused. It helped. It gives me something to think about. Something positive. But now night is here and I can't keep busy. It's quiet time. It's dark. It's the hours my mind becomes the thickest of the battle. Romans 8 was a blessing today. Perhaps I'll reread that as well as Psalm 91.

[Dora]

Today began with time with the Lord. I have the week off and sat down to ponder on how to spend my day. Immediately I felt as if I were not alone but beside my closest friend. I felt a sense of how I wanted to do this day and that was together with Him. I smiled, read some scripture and focused on Him. It was wonderful.

I called the authorities in the case against my uncle. The process is going, "slowly." I shared how I understand. I shared some more things that I felt might help. It made me feel good to hear his pencil taking notes on the other end. To me that meant I did good and gave them something that might be helpful which is all I want.

I feel a sense of rescuing the little girl. Because she is worthy of being rescued. That's huge progress for me. From now on life is going to focus on what is good for her. It doesn't mean I will never step out into something hurtful for the sake of Christ but will do so with her permission. I will live because she wanted to live. I continue to breathe because it's all I have to do to win this one battle. I choose to not hurt me, because in doing so I hurt her.

I felt good all day after the phone call, except for a few moments after I hung up....falling to my knees in tears pleading for God to please please please....

But the rest of the day I smiled. Evening comes and it's back to struggling with thoughts. I refuse to let go of these good thoughts. I'm not angry. I some how let go. I have no idea how. Perhaps it was a God thing. I've come to grips that there is just evil in this world and I have to do my part despite it until it's my time to move on to another mission.

Today I thanked God for the suffering I went through. I cried as I thanked Him because I really am not thankful for what happened. Yet I believe one day, when I can see all the good my pain has brought to others I will then be thankful.

[dema]

(((Pine)))

God uses it for fertilizer, Pine. Uses it for fertilizer.

[Dora]

((dema))

I do have a huge peace and joy today.

It's continued two days, praise God!

It does seem to come from the phone calls and the out comes of them. My peace and joy must come from God and nothing else or it will not last. So I just keep thanking Him when memories or struggles come to mind. It's not saying I'm glad it happened. It's saying I give it all to Him and trust He will bring so much good out of it that many will be blessed, myself included. I've begun talking to others from my home town about the sexual and physical abuse that seems to be so widely accepted there. They listen to me because I am one of them but I do not live there. Like a missionary. We will accept the words of someone who comes to us from a foreign land but not from our family or neighbor. Yet I understand the mentality there. How things are the way they are. What the suffering feels like. I have a connection to the people who are the victims and a connection to the perpetrators. So my words are accepted. I wonder if like Joseph, God has allowed me to suffer, brought me out of the land so I could become rich in knowledge then will use me to save my people. It is my prayer He saves them. My heart aches for their salvation. Not just spiritual because I've already seen the spirit go and filtrate through them. Which came through the message I received here and took back to them. I praise God for that. For using me to bring my people His word. But now they need to be strengthened in their minds so they can overcome the abuse.

I hope that doesn't sound proud. I love the way the Lord works. And so grateful He's used me out of all the people.

I feel very mentally protected by God right now. As if He is saying enough is enough and He is taking back what is His. The battle is with in the mind. It's spiritual. And it won't last for eternity. And as long as I'm breathing, I'm winning the battle because I'm His.

We've commanded the enemy to give back what is Gods and repay it 10 fold. Is it possible my mind is part of what will be given back. That I'll over come this mental battle and even be strong enough mentally to return to the people where I came from and give them wisdom and knowledge to overcome the same things I am over coming. That seems like a dream and I think, "me? really? no it can't be true." Yet if it's His will may it come to be. I would love to be His messenger.

[popples]

wow

[Dora]

My counselor wants me to begin to work on the inner child. I think I'm in for some difficult days ahead. I have to trust He's made me strong enough to handle this now. I don't know if I'll journal all of this path.

I did a time line in therapy. It was art therapy. It took days to do. I couldn't seem to stop. But in the end I was pleased with what I was able to get out. Then my counselor asked me about it. Details. That was a very difficult hour. And the evening even worse. But God blessed me with healing dreams last night. It was beautiful. I woke feeling His love and guidance. I must cling to Him.

[Dora]

I have been offered an opportunity to do horse therapy. That sounds funny. I don't really know how it works. But they are looking for emotionally damaged people to help them get hands on experience with horse therapy. Two women in my area just received training for this. The owner heard a little of my story and offered for me to receive free therapy to help the new therapists receive more hands on training. I am not sure if they really meant it. Because sometimes people can offer things with out thinking when it's really not feasible for them to follow through on this offer. It's scary for me. But then starting any new therapy is scary. I'm excited about this new opportunity. Yet I feel like this really isn't going to happen. If you read this consider saying a prayer for Gods will and blessing over this. Much appreciated.

[deetu]

oh cool
Father, I ask that you bless this new thing for piney
let it happen, not only for her but also so that the therapy people can be blessed by it also
give her peace to be doing something new
and let her enjoy it and not feel like it is pointing something out negative
In Jesus name I pray