Re: The Inner Child
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Dema I love you and I'm not ignoring you.
Apparently to hear it's not my fault and I'm forgiven is abrasive. Which just shows me that I still carry guilt over this stuff. There's just so much. And when I work on receiving forgiveness over one, there's another memory pop up and the guilt and shame and their words that were used to make sure I felt shamed enough to keep quiet and words that released them from feeling wrong in their actions, and then the accuser keeping things spinning with in my mind to the point I can't even focus through one issue because another is popping up.
I know Jesus loves me. And living in His grace is an up and down thing for me. It takes time of reflecting which I've not allowed myself lately. I tend to just get busy and work so I don't have to think about it.
I feel nearly numb this past few days. I don't think it's so much of my past but the kids that I tend to. Some drain me mentally and emotionally. I just don't know how much longer I can continue with them. I'm at the point I feel my home is a disaster but I can't even figure out how to begin to get it in shape. Then last night my boys trashed their room. I just stood in the door way asking myself, "How!?" They are teens. They can't figure this out that clothes go in dressers!! And things need to be put away when you're done. I just asked my oldest son to please remove his lap top from the kitchen counter. He understood and did so. Then this morning there it is again and he has left for the weekend! So here I am taking care of his stuff or it will sit in my way all week end. Footballs, pocket knives, clothing, papers, books, tools, weird things that I have no idea what they are or what they go to. Every where I turn their stuff. They have very few chores but can't seem to keep those done with out being told multiple times and then getting upset at me cause I'm hounding them about them. We have bible study here tonight and I just want to cry! Little children's faces smears all over the windows and glass door, floors need mopped, muddy doggie prints on the couch, dust an inch thick and a pile of peoples things that no one seems to have the time to go through and pick out what is theirs and put away. Which I'll probably just end up putting them away. And I want time to make the living room look friendly with candles and flowers and pretty things.
Apparently to hear it's not my fault and I'm forgiven is abrasive. Which just shows me that I still carry guilt over this stuff. There's just so much. And when I work on receiving forgiveness over one, there's another memory pop up and the guilt and shame and their words that were used to make sure I felt shamed enough to keep quiet and words that released them from feeling wrong in their actions, and then the accuser keeping things spinning with in my mind to the point I can't even focus through one issue because another is popping up.
I know Jesus loves me. And living in His grace is an up and down thing for me. It takes time of reflecting which I've not allowed myself lately. I tend to just get busy and work so I don't have to think about it.
I feel nearly numb this past few days. I don't think it's so much of my past but the kids that I tend to. Some drain me mentally and emotionally. I just don't know how much longer I can continue with them. I'm at the point I feel my home is a disaster but I can't even figure out how to begin to get it in shape. Then last night my boys trashed their room. I just stood in the door way asking myself, "How!?" They are teens. They can't figure this out that clothes go in dressers!! And things need to be put away when you're done. I just asked my oldest son to please remove his lap top from the kitchen counter. He understood and did so. Then this morning there it is again and he has left for the weekend! So here I am taking care of his stuff or it will sit in my way all week end. Footballs, pocket knives, clothing, papers, books, tools, weird things that I have no idea what they are or what they go to. Every where I turn their stuff. They have very few chores but can't seem to keep those done with out being told multiple times and then getting upset at me cause I'm hounding them about them. We have bible study here tonight and I just want to cry! Little children's faces smears all over the windows and glass door, floors need mopped, muddy doggie prints on the couch, dust an inch thick and a pile of peoples things that no one seems to have the time to go through and pick out what is theirs and put away. Which I'll probably just end up putting them away. And I want time to make the living room look friendly with candles and flowers and pretty things.