The Inner Child

[Dora]

I am sorry if I have hurt or scared anyone with my sharing of my struggles.

This will be my last personal post.

[Christnundrconstruxn]

sweet sister pine
first let me say if they feel anything it is because they care and please don't hide yourself from those who care,
your post has opened my eyes to only a glimpse of how you have been treated over your life but the true lesson your post have taught me is if you can and HAVE went through this and have the faith that you have and the love that you show.....
how is it that I cannot show as much in return and to others here on Oasis.
Yes your posts have made me worry, yes they have made me cry BUT they have also made me realize what I said above AND made me smile and made me feel like I have known you, you must do what you feel is right but if you want my opinion DON'T STOP because I think it helps others as much as it helps you, I have read one of your post where you said it was like a weight lifted off after you spoke about it
I respect you and love you from the heart so what ever you decide is what is right.
may God bless and carry you
Cuc

[Dora]

I decided I will share here as needed. If anyone is overcome by the enemy to the point of needing to use my words that I have shared here or will share here in an ungodly mannor, then that is between them and God and I will continue on with my journey.

Thank you for your friendship CUC. I have been leaning harder on all of your words you've shared than you probably realize. You've been a strong tower through this storm.

[Christnundrconstruxn]

now cut that out!!
your making me tear up

Honestly Pine I am glad I could be to you as you were AND are to me
God bless you sis, you are awesome!!

[Dora]

Now you're making me cry! Stop that!

Yesterday I tried 3 times to journal. I even tried to journal in my personal journal a memory that is just so unreal I am certain if I shared people would think I'm making this all up.

So I kept erasing my words.

I was cutting think slices of meat for fajitas yesterday. When it triggered a memory. This isn't the first time cutting meat has triggered this memory. Not one hidden, just reminding me of one. Now what to do with it! I told my husband cutting meat was triggering me. He came to the kitchen to help but I got snappy. I was going from cutting food to washing a few dishes to sweeping the floor to taking tortillas out of the fridge counting them and putting them back so I could take them out again. I couldn't figure out how to finish cooking. So he began. Of coarse he wasn't cooking it like I thought he should so I said something about how I felt it should be cooked differently and then said more about how he wasn't cooking it like I had planned and then said more, while I was wondering why am I washing these dishes when I am suppose to be cooking so I'd stop washing dishes to go get out the tortillas so I could count them, then put them back again. By the time I was done he had his full of my words and left the house. Which left me feeling with panic and caused more unpleasant thoughts and fighting myself. Why did I share I was struggling? That was one of my goals was to be honest and share with someone when I was struggling. So I struggled and shared and still got an unpleasant result. I finished cooking, shut off the stove and said dinner is done and left the room to retreat to my bedroom. Where I sat wondering why this memory causes me such trouble. I have already worked through this one. I didn't get hurt. But then I realized if a child saw on tv what I experienced that day they would possibly remember that for the rest of their life. And yet I didn't see it on tv, I was the one in danger, I was the one who felt and saw and wasn't protected. My dad was there and did nothing as I was threatened.

As the room grew dark and my hubby came to bed, I waited till I thought he was sleeping and I started talking. I told him about this ugly ugly thing. Every detail. He rolled over and squeezed me tight and said now he knows why I react to certain things the way I do. He prayed with me. And cried with me. And today I feel that memory has less a hold on me. Like instead of being bound up inside of me it's been released to float away to a degree. It still is causing me issues, it's still hanging on, but as I keep talking about it I think it'll loose more power. But I have to talk about it with people who know I'm not telling stories. People who know what life style I was raised in. People who knew my dad and the area. People who really know me and don't just wonder if I'm some faker on the other side of a computer typing horrifying stories for the shock I'd give people. I wish I could talk to my cousins about these things. I know if I lived this, they lived even worse.

[stillstanding]

People who really know me and don't just wonder if I'm some faker on the other side of a computer typing horrifying stories for the shock I'd give people.

i don't think this.

you share. you heal. i'll read. i'll pray. i'll encourage you and be encouraged by you.

(((((SufficientPine))))) God loves you and so do i.

[Dora]

We didn't have time today for therapy. I shared the memory that is bothering me. I shared how I feel like I can talk about these things now knowing I can tell my husband, I can tell her, or I can tell the pastor at my church. As all 3 know a lot of the stuff. When I mentioned the pastor I could tell it sparked feelings in her of anger. Her husband is a pastor at my church as well and I didn't go to him. I went to the other, the one I've always gone to with issues. Not these issues but things that pop up in life, such as marriage issues. This man has kept my marriage on the right track since before it was a marriage. But the two pastors are not getting along, to say the least. The very least! This adds stress to me to talk freely at the counseling. Conflict of interest. I don't know what will happen with this in the future. Very near future.

I have a lot of feeling and emotions. Hard to talk about if I can't say what happened. But I assure you if I did you'd think it's something right off of Holly Wood.

I've denied myself the right to feel this memory should be upsetting. Until this week. Now I'm angry. My parents were right there. I know they didn't want to be put in that situation. But if it were my child nothing would of stopped me from rushing over and scooping her up and holding her. What kept them?! My hubby says perhaps they were in shock. Perhaps they were afraid if they moved someone would get hurt. I know asking why only gets me farther from God, but why?!?! Why didn't they reach for me! The ones who were suppose to protect me and love me. I'm not angry at them. I am angry that it happened. Mortified, now that I've stopped to recognize what I would expect from anyone else if they were put through this.

I spent time today on the path to the cross in the woods. I just wanted to be close to it and cleaning up from the winter gave me something to do plus I get a little turned around so having the path completed will help me to find my way in and out easier. My youngest eagerly helped me. It was such a blessing to have him care about me and my cross to the point he'd spend the day with me.

I wonder if I ever wrote what happened if one day someone else who went through simular would be able to tell their story cause I did.

[stillstanding]

i now believe...in fact i am certain, that everything we endure in this life has a reason. i dont understand why some things are so extreme...i guess we wont in our human understanding. but i believe that not only do we endure the tests and trials so that we learn from them, but also because each of them gives us an "in" for sharing with someone else. i think for every trial, for every experience we've suffered that some other person needs to hear it. that for his or her experience someone else in the world has been able to not just survive it, but be better because of it.

love you, sis.

God bless you bunches and bunches

and bunches

[Dora]

I have good news!!!

My sister remembers portions of this one incident.

I'm not crazy!!!

I'm not alone in this. It was such a relief that I cried. To hear someone else tell me what happened. That they remember. She has huge time slots where she can't remember. Which I completely understand.

[stillstanding]

aww, sis...thats awesome

love you

[Dora]

I had counseling yesterday and didn't get all crazy afterward.

My counselor seems certain my sisters were hurt as well. I wasn't the only one which is what I thought. That brought tears to my eyes.

I have asked my family if they remember this certain memory. Some remember but do not remember the bad stuff. Another sisters became defensive. Even though no one spoke the bad stuff, she was immediately defensive and said she was NEVER there. I remember here there. I remember her freaking out. No one pushed her. We took it that she isn't ready to admit and that is fine. She tends to protect my uncle. I have no idea why. He is currently back in jail. No one knows why. No one asks. No one cares why. I honestly feel for those who are in jail with him. No one deserves to be locked up with him. That might sound cruel. But he really needs to be away from society for the safety of others.

Yesterday during therapy at the most difficult part I felt with in me, God hates me! I dont know where that came from. If that is what the child felt when this terrible event was happening. I don't feel God hates me. I haven't worked out our relationship completely yet. But I've come a long ways with this.

I'm working on fighting the enemies condemning words. When someone talks about forgiveness I feel so condemned. Not by God. Perhaps not even by the person. It could be I'm not understanding where they are coming from or what they are trying to say.

[dema]

Pine, you are forgiven. Mostly, it wasn't your fault. But we all have sinned, and you are forgiven. "He who is without sin, cast the first stone." The only person who can charge you is God. And God's son Jesus came to die for you so that "IF" you accept the sacrifice. "THEN" you are forgiven.

Which gives me an odd thought. If anybody who accepts the blood of Jesus is forgiven, and if we are having trouble forgiving a person - when God is the only one who can judge, then are we wanting them to not be redeemed? Is that what unforgiveness is? "Keep them out of heaven, God, keep them out of heaven! It won't be heaven if they are there, too, God, so keep them out of heaven!!!"

Just a thought. But, Pine, you are forgiven by God. You have accepted the free gift of Jesus. You are forgiven.

And this stuff was never your fault. Never.