Springs, streams, and rushing rivers: whisp blog

[Whisperingsprings]

mlg .

Yesterday's eating wasn't too bad. I did consume too many calories though. I need to start writing down everything I put into my mouth.

I also need to start reading my Bible every day. Every day. I think this will help me immensely.

Time for me to be awake and help the kids with homework. I'm trying to find a way to not sleep quite so much and accomplish more since I work nights. I think the Lord has given me the information; but I haven't put everything into practice yet. I'll keep trying. I need a set routine.

I'll let you know how everything is going.

[Whisperingsprings]

Updates:

eating:

Bible reading:

Helping kids with their homework:

Keeping thoughts pure not just sexually but otherwise too: and also (this is slowly getting a little better)

Being blatantly honest, when I should not be the fool who utters all her mind: and (this is getting just a little better, too)

Heard a great sermon at church on Sunday. my understanding of the sermon is recanted below.

Somtimes fears have to be tolerated for a little while. Fear is a natural response that God made and gave us as humans. It serves to protect us and warn us if something is wrong. Courage examines fear and moves with wisdom despite the presence of fear BUT ONLY BECAUSE, Jesus steps in beside us with PEACE during the fearful times.

sometimes things that we fear just aren't as bad as we think or will never happen. Other times, it is as bad as we thought. Sometimes it can be worse.


I needed this sermon on this day. I need Jesus to help me walk through. I have stumbled and fallen down so many times. The pain is not enjoyable. I fear the pain more than anything else. To escape the pain is what has driven me to an almost adulterous relationship, to porn, to lesbianism, to thoughts of alcohol to drown out the pain of my soul . . . the pain.

My pastors son was brutally murdered. Not just kinda murdered or oops an accidental homicide. It was brutal. My friends saw the body. I am glad that my pastor understands the intensity of the pain though I am not glad that he had to learn this way. It seems there is no way to understand the horror of intense pain unless one travels down the road.

And though I can barely cope with my own pain and run from all the pain as often as possible, I think it will serve me well, to show patience and understanding to others who have made painful life altering choices. I understand how they got into that situation. The pain is . . . painful. And no, I don't believe it always has a purpose. God uses it to create something new out of something bad. But it wasn't necessarily His idea for the bad situation to occur.

[mlg]

I wonder at times...the brutality of life and death...the enemy uses death as a way to strike...yet God says death is nothing to fear...if He is your Savior than death is Life actually. I'm sorry this happened to your pastor's son...and my hope is they find that there was LIFE in this loss when they reach those gates of glory.

I hope you are doing well.

luv ya bunches

[Ingegrity]

Bless you!

[Whisperingsprings]

Accountability:

I'm still staying accountable for my actions. I have more joy because of this choice. This is good. very good, I think.

Work:
Work has been difficult. I have feared for my job at the new place. I don't think this is just me anymore. The stress and strain of the earth and all the inhabitants. Japan, Libya, Afghanistan, Israel, and the US. My goodness we crumble as in our evil we feast upon each other for our own financial gain. Oh, what a terrible thing . . . I don't know how but I don't want any part of this ugliness, that I see. Where I work, I watched the administrative people tell us our 2nd shift differential will be cut. Our 3rd shift differential will remain the same, thankfully. The employees who have been with the company over the past year will receive a cost of living increase for hourly wages to their base pay; however, they lost some of the money when their differential was cut. I was affected somewhat, but not much. I don't receive a cost of living increase because I was not working for this company the year prior. As such, I only receive the 2nd shift differential cut. Wow!!!! what can I say? The administrative person who came to see us, apparently ended the conversation saying "it is what it is".

I am neither injured or upset. "It is what it is", but I am not helpless. I will be going back to the other place to obtain extra hours - maybe once or twice a week at most. I don't know how I will do all this but, I think God will take care of me. Well, really, I'm banking on God helping me. My body is getting older and doesn't bounce back if it has taken a beating through the shift. However, the work pays well, and it keeps a roof over our heads and food on the table.

My other friends, recently, responded that they keep 2 jobs also, just because of the stress and strain from the employers. I think some of us have decided that if we lose one place of employment, we can at least keep another job going until something more permanent comes around.

Marriage:
I think it is better. Don't know how to navigate some of the more painful areas of the marriage though.

Children:
Doing well.

Finances:
Messy. Very messy. More bills than money to pay. Will be cutting back on things here and there asap.

Relationship with God:
Last but certainly not least. This is improving. I am grateful to say this has improved. I will keep trying to make strides to get this part of my life to grow and develop well.

I need to go. I'm tired - work tonight. I'm not thoroughly downcast though. On the contrary, speaking about God and journaling the blessing here encourages me. I have had worries, I will probably still have them later. I have had a few panic attacks, will probably have those again later too. But, I have had my God, I will still have Him later too. And He will help me through the rest.

[mlg]

I miss you my friend.



luv ya

[Whisperingsprings]

I am filing for divorce or whatever it takes to find freedom from the pain and anger.

I don't know what else to do. I've tried the gym to get out the pain. It isn't working. I've tried talking to him. He says that he's listening but by the time everything has been done, nothing has changed or so little has changed and so much has again gone awry that my emotions are spent.

I have high high anger now. The gym isn't helping. I don't feel that anything is helping. Conversations of the same topics again and again aren't helping much. And then to watch other people who are "holding" their horrible marriages to gether with pride . . . . . . that's not any better. Those are the very people who are screaming at their children, can't figure out why their adult children don't visit them, and are constantly in a state of being angry.

I'm tired of cursing. I need to get away from the music with the cursing. It fuels my anger now where as before it released the anger and no one else was getting hurt. Now, the husband is being "talked to" or in my view hollered at . . . . which isn't hollering by other women's standards. I don't like screaming/yelling. I don't want to be angry anymore. I've spent too much time being angry confused hurt and then angry again.

I wanted to work hard with someone who wanted to work hard with me. I didn't want to work harder because my partner doesn't want to work hard. It is enough that I have to work through all this mess now with God. Oh boy, what a freakin mess.

Anyway, this is the sad but honest update. Any prayers are appreciated. Thank you.

[mlg]

My dear sweet precious friend may you know that you are in my prayers for sure. I can only imagine the pain and hurt and anger you must feel...and my hope is that through Jesus you will be able to find peace and begin to let go of those emotions. May God's will be done for you.

Please keep us posted...on how you are and how things are going. We are here to listen.

luv ya bunches