The Inner Child

[stillstanding]

love ya, sis wooo hoooo

[Dora]

I'm still trying to process all that happened at therapy. I feel kinda numb from all this and all the funerals in my life lately.

We were going to do therapy twice a week but decided best slow down. I cant process things very well because I'm so over loaded.

My mind has seemed to connect to memories and wants to work through them together. There's a time my uncle grabbed my arm and then my mind jumped to another memory where he grabbed my arm. The mind is a weird thing. So processing these two will take longer as my mind wants to jump back and forth. But what can I do. Just gotta let it flow the way it flows.

During this time I was talking to God. When I asked what he wants me to look at my mind goes to the worst portion of the memory. The part that I would skip over. So I'd skip through it and ask again what do you want me to look at, my mind would go back to the worst part again, so I'd fast forward, then ask what do you want me to look at, until I finally had to admit he wants me to look at the worst part!!! So I stopped and said what do you want me to do with this. I don't know how to just let it go or just trust you with it. I felt him ask me what do I feel about it. I looked at it and spoke honestly to Him, I feel hate. Lots of hate. I hate what my uncle was doing. God said, I should. I should hate it because it is evil and I am to hate what is evil. Wow! Now I do not think He is saying I should hate a human. Then my mind began bouncing around through a bunch of memories that we had already processed and little to no progress other than that was made. It probably was a way of trying to find something to deal with that was less stressful. I just wanted to fall asleep right there in the chair with the counselor. I was over whelmed. Some of the therapy was so vivid it felt like it could be happening right them. She explained it's because I've not processed it. Once my mind has processed it, it will find a place to rest in my memory and will be just something that happened instead of feeling like something that is happening again. She mentioned PTSD. I wonder if that goes away after this stuff is processed. I should of asked her and wanted to but I get overwhelmed so easily. I wouldn't call todays therapy a wash out. Just didn't get as much accomplished as I wanted.

While processing this and talking to God and hooked to this machine that drives me nuts I got this picture of my uncle in a bubble. So he couldn't hurt that little girl anymore. Then when she felt safe he floated away and floated right into the presence of God. God reached out his finger and popped the bubble. There he stood face to face with God on Gods territory. It gave the little girl a feeling that she can play cause Dads taking care of the bad guy. She doesn't have to watch out for him. I still flinch when I see that memory. And still have that dread of where's my uncle, is he going to jump out and get me, when I look at that picture. So we'll do more work next week. Till I can look at that picture and not have strong emotions attached to it. This memory in it's self is really huge so I don't know why I was hoping to clear up 2 in one therapy. That really was unrealistic of me. If it took me a few months on one would be more realistic.

[goldieluvs]

awwwwwwwwww sis i went to therapy for like four years over past stuff. I can't say that it doesn't affect me at all cuz it does..... i do know the hurt, anger, guilt lessen. The more you are able to process, the less power the past will have. Praying for ya sis

[dema]

My meomories aren't so bad - but the thing is that they don't trigger (actually, my current husband can trigger certain ex-husband stuff - but that's another subject.) It wasn't me. They weren't my fault. Yes, little girl's respond this way. Yes the boys were bad. No, I don't need to be afraid. The memory is clearer than some other memories - but it doesn't get triggered and when I look at it, well it is just a memory. I had open heart surgery when I was 7. The two things are now very similar. Both clearer than other memories. Both happened. Both are in the past.

I can't get on a certain kind of bus. But, I am very calm. My feet just don't move. And I had a really difficult time with the staples they used after my C-section because they reminded me of my heart surgery and the pain I was in. I actually had a lot more trouble with the staples, but I went through that fear and walked away from the other one. I'm sure I could walk through the other one, and Pine, you are stubborn enough or something that if you were me you probably would. I don't see a point.

I'm not comparing my trauma to your trauma, just hopefully describing a healing that will be like your healing.

God bless. I pray that the journey is short and that you are able to be distracted by pleasant things whenever you don't NEED to be working on it.

[Dora]

Thank you all. All the posts have been very encouraging. I apologize for not responding to them properly. I'm seriously over whelmed. I tend to just shut off. I shut off in therapy. My mind just stops. It can't function. I forget life is existing. Sometimes my mind just chooses things it can process easier and gets stuck on them.

I know with out a shadow of a doubt God is caring me through this. I can feel Him ever so close. I do not feel alone. I do not feel this is a burden that I have to carry. I do feel it weighing heavy on me, but I don't feel I have to be responsible for it.

I feel Him calling me to spend time on it. If I don't have to I avoid it.

[Dora]

The message on forgiveness is hard. It sets me back. I came home from church with bad thoughts of self harm. I didn't take communion because I doubted if I forgave one of the men. One of the many men. Then I got angry. How could God expect from me so much more than He does of others. Those preaching the sermon have rarely been harmed as deeply as I have.

I was honest with my spouse of my thoughts and he called the preacher and we went back to church to meet with him. I shared with him what that communion time meant for me. I don't know if I'm any more clearer on forgiveness. I hate what they did with a passion. Some I can see they were just sick in the head. All were. Some I just never want to see again. Some I'd like to call a few names. Not that it would hurt them or even effect them. I'm sure they'd get a good laugh out of it. But inside me, I want them to know that I know. If I could make them squirm I would. Would I? Probably not. I would probably just walk away. Is that hate? Is that forgiveness? Do I want them to die in hell forever. No. But I might enjoy seeing them dip their toes in for just a short time or maybe two.

So I'm told this is to great a thing for humans to forgive. That it takes Gods miracle. What do I do in the mean time? Sitting knowing I am not forgiven because I hate some of them that hurt me.

That just causes the pain to be compounded. It just doesn't add up to me. I pray and pray for God to take this and for me to forgive. I do feel my heart soften some towards my uncle. But when the memories are strong I hate strongly.

[dema]

Forgiveness is relinquishing the spiritual punishment to God. And you can't punish them anyway. I understand that you can't, you can't, you just can't let go. It makes sense. But, somehow, I think that if we can realize that forgiveness is just giving back to God what was always his and never ours anyway - well, then what is left to weigh us down? And unforgiveness doesn't hurt anybody but ourselves. The person who you are trying to forgive - he doesn't know and probably doesn't care.

I know, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts and it hurts. I'm so sorry it hurts.

Unforgiveness allows the sinners to continue to hurt you. And it doesn't hurt them at all. It doesn't change them at all. When you forgive, really the only change is that you let go of this huge Scrooge-chain. You let it go from you. It wasn't on them. It is only on you.

Sometimes, I think that people confuse forgiveness with reconciliation. Reconciliation is where the person asks for forgiveness and you have to look at them and give it and maybe shake hands or something like that. Forgiveness doesn't mean you visit them or send them flowers or ANYTHING like that. It just means you let your desire to administer spiritual justice go. And you can't administer it anyway. It is never yours. The desire - they have to be punished, they have to be punished, they have to be punished..... the endless reruns in the head, the screaming cry for justice.,. that is what needs to be released to God. Testify in court against them. Go to the police or the grand jury. Do whatever will administer justice in this world. But, let the screaming meany in your head go. Trust God that in the end - God rules. Even now, Jesus is Lord. He HAS WON the victory. We don't see it yet - but we KNOW that Jesus has won and that we will see the results of that. Forgiveness lets us see more of it sooner. It is an act of trust in God. That God will, will, will administer the justice that needs to be administered and that we will accept whatever that is.

[goldieluvs]

dema.....

Pine luv ya

[Dora]

I hate hate hate what happened. As everyone should. Cause it is pure evil. Even God hates it, I am certain.

My hate turns to anger and anger wants a place to land.

It lands on them, the pawns used by the evil one.

BUT they chose. And even knowing who's will they were doing, they would choose to do so. They took the purest of Gods gifts and damaged it. Not one, but many. And laughed.

How do you separate hate of their actions from the person and keep it separated when it is so evil.

I know it's the same enemy who used them that is speaking to me to keep the hate with in me. Perhaps what I hate is the evil and not them. I don't know how to know.

May God have His will. He knows best.

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Hey Pine
I have something to say.... but I will keep it short

............
God bless

[Dora]

Thanks!!

I went to the cross in the woods today. As soon as I knelt I felt as if He said the unforgiveness is gone. I looked with in and there wasn't any anger or hate. When I thought of the situation I didn't feel anger or hate rise. Confusion yes and grieving.

He could of stayed on His thrown and be served by thousands of angels but He chose to come down and feel the very depths of every little thing that happened to me and to stay by my side now as I process it. How awesome is that! I would of never known how awesome He is if I didn't have struggles.

Thank you friends for your prayers and for being by my side as I work through this. God loves you and so do I.

[stillstanding]

tears in my eyes for ya! thank you for sharing, sis

love you soooooooooooooooooo much, (((((((((((((((((((((((SufficientPine)))))))))))))))))))))))))))0

God bless you more and more every day!