The Inner Child

[deetu]

woo hoo piney
stronger every day
one breakthru leads to another

[stillstanding]

love ya, sis

[Dora]

Yesterday I was worshiping God and I felt His spirit heavy in the air. It was like He touched my mind and I heard, "bringing healing." I felt such peace and a restful mind. Was awesome.

When I think of sharing tomorrow I start to panic so I'm trying not to think about it. I keep reminding myself He is the one bringing healing so there is nothing to fear and I can pick up serpents and not be hurt. So I can go through this and not be hurt. He will be there and accomplish this.

Had to share my praise report.

Isn't God awesome!

[deetu]

[Dora]

Warning....words shared here are of very terrible experiences. They may trigger some and turn the stomachs of others. As they have turned my stomach for a very long time.

Well here I am. Day 1 of seeing my counselor again. New series of memories. I shared with her the two memories. I didn't tell her what happened. Just what I could put into words. Leaving her to fill in the huge blanks. In return she put my story together for me. Putting into words what happened. When my ears heard the words spoken I was frozen. There's something about hearing it that makes it so real. All the feelings are back. The physical pain, the anger, the self harm, the numbness. I'm not even trying to get a handle on my addictions right now. She says they will find their place when the past isn't haunting me anymore.

To hear her say I didn't cause God to grieve was like someone taking a load off my shoulders. He was grieving over what happened to me and how it's effecting me. He wasn't grieving because I couldn't just sit this all down and walk away.

You know it's not just the terrible event...it's remembering running from the monster...it's remembering being caught....it's remembering being belittled afterward by my cousin cause I was to stupid to know which way to run so I could get away...it's remembering my sister sensing I was involved in something wrong and threatening to tell dad and her reminding me how she never gets into trouble...the angel...I was the bad one...the one who always disappointed...and all along just trying to remember how to get home...trying to walk while in such excruciating pain..while my world spun around me....and wondering where my uncle was so I could try to get away if he attacked again....while my cousin laughed at me and my sister scolded me. I was alone.

The little girl wants to scream. I hate this ugly world we live in.

The little girl finds comfort knowing I'm coming to rescue her. She just has to hold on a little while longer. I keep telling her it wasn't her fault. My pain wants a place to land. Someone to blame. Then it turns to anger and bitterness. I was doing good on my progress of forgiving. I wasn't hating him so terribly bad. If I put the blame on him I hate all over again. He was so very evil. Yet there were things he stopped them from doing to me. By then it was to late, they'd already done them, but he made them stop.

I remember when his baby girl was born he said he'd change all her diapers. My aunt refused. She kept a close eye on the baby. Then one day when she was cooking dinner and my cousins were watching the baby my uncle came in and took the baby to the bedroom to change her diaper. He began "priming her for future service." My aunt caught him and started screaming and hitting him. She grabbed the baby and ran out of the room. He said come on you know this is what I do. It was at that moment I could see behind the monster the disease. The illness. The sickness. The desperate searching to make certain he is "normal."

He went back into his room and was pacing and throwing things. He wasn't angry. He was facing the truth, that what he does is wrong. My aunt went back into the room with him and shut the door. They fought. I was so afraid he was going to kill her. She came out and came took the baby and yelled for the older kids to finish cooking dinner. She had a black eye. My cousin was mad. She yelled at her to just leave him. She yelled back, where is she suppose to go with 5 children. It was a sad day. I helped my cousin cook and clean up. My cousin wouldn't stop cleaning. My other cousin wouldn't stop eating. I felt dirty and very very tired. Looking back it is hard to believe I even stood in the same house with a man like this. But it was just life. We just didn't think about what just happened. I went home and never again spoke of what happened that day at my cousins house. I knew if I told family, no one would believe me. If I told the school they would question the family then I'd be in trouble. Bad trouble. We all just went on. Now we're all grown up with a huge bundle of issues. Some have blocked out all the memories and so they don't know why they have the dysfunctions and disorders.

Why was I there? Why wasn't I at home? There wasn't anyone else home. If I was home, it would of probably led to another page in my story of what happened to me. My mom picked me up there after she was off work. She asked me questions. Where was my uncle. Who was there. What happened there. What did I do there. She must of sensed something was wrong. As soon as I got in the car she locked the doors. She told me she didn't want me going there. I told her my uncle had came while I was there. But then he left. She figured he had been to our house breaking in again. She sped home. I wondered what she would do if he was there. Why did life have to be so hard. I don't even know why I'm sharing this. It's not even a memory I have blocked away. But for some reason, it's like a relief to finally be able to talk about it. This memory is a safe memory to share. Because I wasn't hurt that day. What happened effected me, but I wasn't hurt.

I begin therapy on Friday. Usually I would just go once a week but she felt I best not wait a week. And if I can handle it we will do two therapy sessions next week.

[dema]

ohhhh, Pine.

[Dora]

Last night my husband went to the church to ask for prayer. I'm glad he did. He needs the support as he tries to support me.

We talked when he got home. I cried as he shared what they said. I don't know why. I could feel the sense of relief on my husband to have a support system now. I am soooooo grateful for that! People that I thought I couldn't show my weakness in front of showed the most support. I feel like it's ok to be weak while I work through this and allow the body of Christ to carry me.

I talked to my husband about the memories that caused me to fall this time. I left open big empty spaces for him to fill in the blanks. So in reality, I still have not said what happened, just alluded. But then I really have never said what happened about anything except the physical abuse from my dad. The only thing that doesn't bother me anymore is that portion of my abuse. The things he did doesn't have a hold on me anymore. I can talk about it if I need to freely. I don't shudder or flinch. This other stuff I can not say what happened. I don't know if I ever can. I wonder if I did, if I would be free from it like the physical abuse from my dad.

I left the blanks but I needed to know he knew what happened and that he accepted me despite it. He didn't understand how I could carry the guilt and dirt. If someone took a gun and murdered someone that gun would carry the residue of murder. Just like that gun will always be the evidence piece I carry the residue of what happened. No matter how many times I shower or wash my hands, I was apart of the terrible events that happened. That never can be removed.

New creation created in Christ Jesus. I don't even know how to apply that. Or maybe it's that I wont apply it. Someone needs to pay for this and I can't make them pay so I turn to making myself pay. Self hate. Self loathing. I think I'd like to spend some time thinking about what He did so I could be free from this.

Yesterday I realized God understands how deep this goes. Others know the surface. They maybe shed a tear then go on with their life. Even my spouse tries to cope by going on to something that will take his mind off it. Even I do. But God doesn't. He's willing to dig in deep even if it causes him to grieve. He's willing to feel what I feel even when I won't allow myself to feel the extent of it.

[kimby]

It IS okay....the body IS there to carry you. God set it up that way.
Pine, I pray that one day, however it happens, that this too will be something you can speak of freely...that it will have no hold on you.
Love you!

[Christnundrconstruxn]

my dear sister
Please know that you telling these things are not only helping you but possibly helping some young lady going through simular things to see she is not alone and that SHE as with you did NOTHING wrong.
I too hate this ugly world and what satan has turned it into but please remember with me that God sees all so He will judge accordingly, I'm ashamed to say that part scares me
Please know we are always here and wanting to listen, May God bless you and deliver you from these pains and sufferings
Also tell that man of yours that I would be honored to be a support system for him ANYTIME he needs, I was always told growing up that I had BIG ears "all the better to listen with" tell him to check the line acordingly

__what do you think
__shut up & listen
__need to talk
__a shoulder to cry on

Just to let you know I think my wife hid things from me that was from her past and I don't know why because there was NOTHING she ever could have told me that I wouldn't have worked through, that is what hurts so bad when she gave up and walked away because of my stupidity...she gave up on me and that's a feeling I never could have made her feel, heck it's been over a year and I still have not given up on her, I'm willing to bet your husband will stick by you no matter what, give him the chance

with much love
Cuc

[Dora]

Dema don't feel sorry for me. Feel sorry for the one who doesn't have a close relationship with God to help them through. For the one who's spouse left her when he found out or treated her like a --- after she bared her soul to him of the things done.

Thank you Kimby for your prayers and support.

CUC I have always been the one to give up and walk out. He's been the steady rock since I met him. It took me 7 years of marriage before It finally dawned on me that walking out wasn't an option. For him it was never an option. Those who knew about the stuff happening ridiculed and rejected me as well as blamed me. So the fear of him rejecting me is very real. The fear of anyone rejecting me is very real. Even expected.

Your big ears comment made me laugh.

My husband prayed with me last night after we talked. He thanked God that I was able to open up and share with him! He thanked God for bringing me to him. After he found out what happened. He thanked God for bringing him a messed up broken wife. Messed up and broken is my words, not his.

[Dora]

Yesterday I went to the cross in the woods. The walk was refreshing. Walking down the path passing the smaller crosses along the path, the same crosses placed in the woods in Missouri where I was hurt, it created a feeling of returning to that day when God walked with me and helped me to walk with Him through some of these memories.

There's just something about the cross in the woods that I can not stand on my feet when I walk up to it. I fall to my knees. Tears flow. Healing tears. The ground was frozen and wet and muddy. So I did stand back up and just leaned against the cross. I could feel my burdens being lifted. Was as if I were leaning heavily against Dad. He was quiet. My words were few as well. We were just together, breathing and being.

Before I left I asked if He had anything He wanted me to hear. I heard, this is my opportunity to work in the kingdom. In my mind that didn't make since. But i Knew in my heart what He was saying. I asked for clarification just to make sure. I can have a higher thinking. I do not have to walk through this with my own understanding but can see these things through His eyes. The working in the kingdom is seeing there is a plan and a purpose, that these things grieve God yet grieving happens in this world, it is for a time, until our jobs are finished, then we can move on, Jesus himself was grieved heavily and carried a huge burden, larger than mine, and still to this day chooses to stand beside me and feel what I feel and grieve with me to help carry my burden. I can walk in the flesh and let the anger, the questions, the feeling of loneliness, the desire to be understood by others, the desire to connect with someone who walked a simular walk, the feeling of hopelessness rule me. I can let the thoughts bring me down to a very dark place. Or I can work in the kingdom and take this as just a walk with God. A very difficult walk, but I can lean on Him every step of the way. I can talk to Him through each moment and see things through His eyes.

He says I must stay humble. When I think I can do this, I fall hard. The pain is over whelming. When I am humble, I completely can rest in Him holding me. To overcome on my own would be good because I would overcome. BUT to overcome with Him would be better because then our relationship is built stronger and I still overcome.

He also says I need not be fearful. Fear is creeping up on me from every angel. I can feel panic over the simplest of things. His word brings me strength and peace through this. I know He has all this. If it was not for Him I would not be able to keep myself together. We serve a wonderful God who loves us deeper than we could imagine. When I felt how deeply grieved He was over me, it showed me how deeply He loves me. Deep enough to go to the depth of my suffering and deep enough to stand by me and hold me through it all. We serve an awesome God! If I had no struggle, I'd of not known how deep He goes. By choice, His choice. He didn't choose for me to suffer. People say there's a purpose and a plan for Him letting this happen. I don't know if I agree with that. I don't think God "let" this happen. That makes it sound like He was behind this. Like when he had me in mind before I was born He predestined me to live these terrible things at a young age. No I think these things angered God. I think they hurt Him terribly.

"Working in the kingdom" while going through this will take a lot of effort. A lot of time on my knees. A lot of renewing. It will require being humble and trusting completely. I am willing. It is my prayer He keeps reminding me and helping me because I have the tendency to jump in and begin to work on my own. The perfect and good will of God is being done. Cause He is good like that. So blessed.

[Christnundrconstruxn]

YOUR AWESOME PINE!!!!