The Inner Child

[Lani]

Hiya sis



I thought of and prayed for you much today.

I know you aren't gonna like this but, I am thankful to hear that you have cried today. I don't like it either but, I have learned it is very necessary for our healing.

The Little Girl wants to scream.... why hinder this? Obviously, I am not suggesting you just scream in the kitchen while making dinner with the family and business of life all around.. but determine a safe place where you can do so, and let it out.

I am glad you do not hate them... That is a BIG step. TY Lord.

How can I be more?

I know you know this, but You can be more... You ARE more. God said so and if He told me, I know He has done already told you that too. But, just in case He got a busy signal....
You are MORE. You are HIS. You are LOVED. You are Sufficient



His GRACE says so.

How can I go from my past not bothering me for months to being so tangled in it I can't think.

That is a good question, I wonder it myself sometimes. I wish I had the answer.

God shared something today and I am gonna pass that along to you and pray His message is heard.

Our past is our past, we both know that cannot be changed. Whether it is a result of our own choices or the free will of another, each event is what it is.
Good, Bad or indifferent it is a part of what has made us who we are.
There is always going to be something lurking in the shadows... ol crummy tends to hang out there, waiting for the opportunity to pounce.
What better time than after we have been "great" for a while.

We get comfortable thinking..
"Maybe I can just breathe"
"Maybe it is safe to just be"
"Maybe the drawbridge can be lowered again"
.... ahhhhh maybe.

OK, so we cannot change our past. We cannot erase the ugliness that results in the choice of another. We cannot undo the misguided steps we ourselves take.

Yeah yeah yeah, I don't really care for that which begins with 'cannot'... I so despise being told I can't ("oh yeah? I'll show you!" stubborn red head here, remember?)

Instead, let's look at my more favored word... CAN.

What CAN we do?
We CAN choose to reach out in our hurt.
We CAN choose not to run, not to hide, not to ignore or retreat.
We CAN choose to put one foot in front of the other and pray the light shines again soon.
We CAN!

God says we CAN and God puts people in our lives to help us stay focused on that, when the fog gets too thick for us to see it ourselves.

That is why I am forever thankful for the Oasis. I am thankful you are posting and I am blessed by the opportunity to walk with you.




Luv ya Sis


Peace n Luv in Christ,
Lani



PS. OK so you posted since I clicked reply.... forums tell ya that when ya hit submit! COOLBEANS!
I am gonna go read it now, so if my post seems unrelated.... it is for the post before the last post Forgive me, please.

[Dora]

You are right Lani.

I had a terrific day saturday. I got so much awesome stuff accomplished. I felt like....well...like I was more.

I guess I'm still letting what I do determine who I am. Trying to do more so I can be more.

Thank you for your heart felt replies. Through this there has been very little comfort. When doing inventory of what has helped and what hasn't, the replies here have been one of the top on my list.

Love ya.

[Dora]

I met with a woman from my 12 step program.

I shared with her and she shared with me. By the time we were done we both felt such huge burdens removed from our shoulders. We hugged, smiled, cried, and gave encouragement.

Tonight I feel like I can breathe. I can smile. I have hope again. I have a beautiful life and that is what counts.

I will take on the unopened doors with Him and be done with this. It's time I face it all and put it to rest. There will be days things trigger. I'm certain. But just like the things my dad did don't bother me, one day the things others did won't bother me. I won't flinch and cringe and carry guilt and fear around all the time.

I got my fight back. God will win this battle.

Memory! Cringe! Breathe! God WILL win! Get behind me satan. This battle belongs to the Lord.

[Lani]

TY Lord!!!


Awesome sis, glad to hear it!

Luv ya

[Tam]

Pine Got Her Fight Back!!!! Does that mean she has this back ?!?! Tam Oh Maaaaaaaaaaaaaan! she is gonna run me over again

No Seriously I knew that in time you would get back to fighting again. You have to many praying for you not to. You keep fighting sis. Love you bunches

[Dora]

I shared last night. JUST a story of God showing me to trust in Him. That's all. That's all I shared. It left me with such fear that I have trembled since. Please do not read this thinking you can help me. I'm just sharing. If you want to pray for me I appreciate all the prayers I can get while I begin this new stage of working through more stuff. If you know what I'm going through, it does help to hear someone share their experience. When I hear someone share exactly how I feel, it makes me take notice. I don't want to hear I'm not alone. I don't want to hear you understand. I want to KNOW you understand and that you have been there. Other wise it really doesn't help me. It's just words. I'm getting a lot of words! And it's causing frustration. I'm told, "Share and get it out" "Forget it it's behind you" "Focus on the future" NO, "focus on today." I'm broken. I don't think correctly. That is hard to admit. I admit it so you will know what I hear from you is "YOU'RE NOT DOING IT RIGHT PINE! GET WITH IT!" That just adds to my burden. It doesn't help me. Maybe it helped you. Maybe it helped someone else but it doesn't help me when in this crisis mode.

When a man returns from war and a car goes past and back fires the man hits the ground and is mentally back in the war, at that moment he can't just let go cause at that moment he's not holding on to the past, the past has A HOLD OF HIM!

The bombs are going off constantly with in my mind. NO binding doesn't help. Prayer doesn't help! Music is just more noise with in my head. People stand in front of me talking, I can see their face, I can see their mouth move but I can not hear a word they say because the noises and pictures that are going off behind them to me are very real as if it's happening right then and there. At those moments I can not think, I can not speak, I can not breath, I can not even feel.

There is nothing anyone can say or do to stop it. If you want to help, stop tossing out these simple little answer like pray, read the bible, listen to music, bind. Cause when the bombs are going off repeatedly with in my mind, I can not! There is a time for those things, but not when the bombs are going off.

I'm looking for someone who will walk with me. Not just someone who will yell hey stupid the life preserver is over there why don't you swim over and grab it.

I'm told to share. But when I share and receive pat answers it just frustrates. Maybe I don't even want answers. Maybe what I need is just to scream out what happened and get it out of me so it's no longer me against it and it against me.

This world isn't getting any easier. There's going to be more and more who are having crisis. We gotta be real. We have to go get them not just toss out a quick answer, pray, read, music, focus at this or that. WALK WITH THEM THROUGH IT or if that's to much for you then just tell them you're praying cause frankly tossing at them these simple little answers you're just driving the knife in farther into their souls. If it were that easy to just pray, to just turn on good music, to just focus else where, or just bind this would of been done a long time ago. Sorry if this is ugly. But someone has to be real before more are hindered and lost because no one realizes it takes more than just tossing a quick response to save them from the horrible pit of disaster and death that they are living in. This is real! There are souls on the edge of suicide, on the edge of falling off the wagon and taking that drink again or abusing drugs again.

Get real with them. Not harsh with them! Take the time to sit and listen. Maybe it requires keeping quiet. Maybe instead of an answer you can just be a friend. You want them to think on something else, perhaps help them think on something else. That requires time and patience. After all they are His lost and hurting children. Aren't they worth it.

[Tam]

Pine I am probably going to make you mad here but that is not my intentions.
You said....

Prayer doesn't help!

My child you need to sit back and look at what Prayer has exactly brought you through.
Prayer has got you through placing the crosses. Prayer has got you through several hard times that I know of.
Yes I agree prayer is not the only answer...but it is part of the answer. Another part of the answer is listening. Listening to our heart, listening to the words of others and most of all listening the the voice that does know all the answers. JESUS voice.
You say that you can't hear Him. Sweetie He is right there. He did not move......you did. Stop talking to people and looking for answers from them and go to Him. Ask Him to show you the answers. He will. Just gotta find Him again. Yes you can share with all of us and yes we are willing to walk with you through all this...but WE CAN NOT DO IT FOR YOU. I would love to take all your pain and suffering away but I can't. It would do you no good and you would learn nothing if I did.
Dig deep, reach deep, cry deep....ask Him to reveal Himself to you. But when you ask....Be still and know...listen for His answer. If you don't hear it....try listening a little harder.
You say that people don't get it. You have that already convienced in your mind that people don't get it so no matter what we say you are going to say that people don't get it. You told me that I don't get it after times and times of telling me that I understand you , I know right where you are.
So either I get it or I don't. You know what I am saying?
Why are you so angry at us? Why are you so angry at God. Why are your defenses up again? What is really going on?
You know what to do. You tell people in chat what to do. Now is the time where you have to apply what you are telling others to your life. Stop fighting everyone and everything.
Trust Him that He is there and that HE will help you get past all this garbage you are in right now.
I love you and it hurts me to see you hurting like this...but all I know to tell you .....you don't want me to say. Because everything you said you did not want to hear above is everything that will help you.
I love you and I am willing to walk beside you but not willing to do it for you.
Tam

[Dora]

That's not what I meant Tam.

When the "triggers" are going off, prayer doesn't stop it.

When I am trying my hardest to renew my mind saying a prayer doesn't stop the triggers.

[Tam]

The triggers are your giants sweetie.....Face your giants head on and stop running from them.
when you have a trigger.....face it....figure out why, ask God to help you then deal with it. Don't run from it. Make sense??

[Dora]

How am I running?

The only time the thoughts stop is when I'm playing my guitar.

[Tam]

All I am saying is that the thoughts are controlling you sweetie. YOU can control the thoughts buy facing them head on and dealing with them. Take control back sis. You know how to do this. I believe in you!!!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VfXolErL8js
Listen to this. sis

[Dora]

I have found when I am trying to get control my addictions and habits flair.

You really are not understanding. I know you think you do. The song was a blessing.

I talked to someone. Someone who said, I'm going to ask you questions and you're going to answer them. Someone who said it doesn't matter if what I say hurts them, because they know I have to get over this and through this. I shared, I cried, and I even screamed. And they still listened. And I knew after it was over, no matter what I said, they wouldn't walk away and avoid me.

I played on the guitar and we talked about that. And right now I just feel peaceful. It's like a tv station playing all day in the back ground. Sometimes I gets real loud and sometimes it's just very low in the back ground to the point I think it's not even on, but it is. If I could just push the button to shut it off, I would. In a heart beat. Yet one of my buttons will be pushed and it will get loud again. Right now it's just playing quietly like a mumble. Maybe the crying, and talking and even the yelling got me to this point.