Posted: Mon Feb 28, 2011 9:04 pm
Went to the 12 step program tonight.
On step 5.
I realized I never really did step 4. In my personal inventory I didn't write down any positive inventory about myself. Only a list of the bads. I called it the "Things I Do That I Don't Want To Do" list. I need to write a list of things I do that God wants me to do. A part of "not being so hard on myself" that I keep being told I need.
Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results. I keep beating myself up and expecting one day I will have a more positive opinion about myself.
I didn't share at the meeting tonight. There just didn't seem to be time but I learned a lot from listening.
I have some pictures that I've felt for many months the Lord wants me to deal with. Last night His guiding me towards these were so strong I knew I would have to come against Him to not go there. He promised He would go with me and that He and I could dance as He allowed me to visit the memory. A few tears which turned to anger. Then He reminded me to file them with the rest. Just things of the past that I can trust Him with. And so I have filed this memory under my Things I Have Trusted To Him. I would lie if I denied there is no emotions attached. There's an uck inside and a little child that wants to cry as well as an adult that is angry and bitter.
I am angry and bitter. But I can trust God with that. When I deny my emotions and lie to others about them, I am a liar. There is victory in that I completely accept the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ to see me through until He completes this work with in me. His grace is sufficient.
I can look at some of the men and know if they stood before God they would repent. They would and probably do carry guilt. They possibly didn't know what they were doing and rationalized it all. But my uncle is still so evil I do not know if he would. Do I need to know this to forgive? Bluck! Yes. Right now I feel I do. Or at least I think I do. I expect one day God will do His perfect work with in me that He will remove all bitterness and anger and give me the ability to completely let go and forgive. My hearts desire. My deepest hearts desire is to do His will. He asks me to forgive and to trust Him with even this.
God is good. He is gracious. He is my precious savior and redeemer and friend, despite who I am.
On step 5.
I realized I never really did step 4. In my personal inventory I didn't write down any positive inventory about myself. Only a list of the bads. I called it the "Things I Do That I Don't Want To Do" list. I need to write a list of things I do that God wants me to do. A part of "not being so hard on myself" that I keep being told I need.
Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results. I keep beating myself up and expecting one day I will have a more positive opinion about myself.
I didn't share at the meeting tonight. There just didn't seem to be time but I learned a lot from listening.
I have some pictures that I've felt for many months the Lord wants me to deal with. Last night His guiding me towards these were so strong I knew I would have to come against Him to not go there. He promised He would go with me and that He and I could dance as He allowed me to visit the memory. A few tears which turned to anger. Then He reminded me to file them with the rest. Just things of the past that I can trust Him with. And so I have filed this memory under my Things I Have Trusted To Him. I would lie if I denied there is no emotions attached. There's an uck inside and a little child that wants to cry as well as an adult that is angry and bitter.
I am angry and bitter. But I can trust God with that. When I deny my emotions and lie to others about them, I am a liar. There is victory in that I completely accept the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ to see me through until He completes this work with in me. His grace is sufficient.
I can look at some of the men and know if they stood before God they would repent. They would and probably do carry guilt. They possibly didn't know what they were doing and rationalized it all. But my uncle is still so evil I do not know if he would. Do I need to know this to forgive? Bluck! Yes. Right now I feel I do. Or at least I think I do. I expect one day God will do His perfect work with in me that He will remove all bitterness and anger and give me the ability to completely let go and forgive. My hearts desire. My deepest hearts desire is to do His will. He asks me to forgive and to trust Him with even this.
God is good. He is gracious. He is my precious savior and redeemer and friend, despite who I am.