The Inner Child

[Dora]

Went to the 12 step program tonight.

On step 5.

I realized I never really did step 4. In my personal inventory I didn't write down any positive inventory about myself. Only a list of the bads. I called it the "Things I Do That I Don't Want To Do" list. I need to write a list of things I do that God wants me to do. A part of "not being so hard on myself" that I keep being told I need.

Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results. I keep beating myself up and expecting one day I will have a more positive opinion about myself.

I didn't share at the meeting tonight. There just didn't seem to be time but I learned a lot from listening.

I have some pictures that I've felt for many months the Lord wants me to deal with. Last night His guiding me towards these were so strong I knew I would have to come against Him to not go there. He promised He would go with me and that He and I could dance as He allowed me to visit the memory. A few tears which turned to anger. Then He reminded me to file them with the rest. Just things of the past that I can trust Him with. And so I have filed this memory under my Things I Have Trusted To Him. I would lie if I denied there is no emotions attached. There's an uck inside and a little child that wants to cry as well as an adult that is angry and bitter.

I am angry and bitter. But I can trust God with that. When I deny my emotions and lie to others about them, I am a liar. There is victory in that I completely accept the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ to see me through until He completes this work with in me. His grace is sufficient.

I can look at some of the men and know if they stood before God they would repent. They would and probably do carry guilt. They possibly didn't know what they were doing and rationalized it all. But my uncle is still so evil I do not know if he would. Do I need to know this to forgive? Bluck! Yes. Right now I feel I do. Or at least I think I do. I expect one day God will do His perfect work with in me that He will remove all bitterness and anger and give me the ability to completely let go and forgive. My hearts desire. My deepest hearts desire is to do His will. He asks me to forgive and to trust Him with even this.

God is good. He is gracious. He is my precious savior and redeemer and friend, despite who I am.

[dema]

Write that positive personal inventory!

I cannot imagine anybody who needs to do that more than you do!

I'll start it for you. And you are not allowed to cross something off because on Tuesday at 2:00 you didn't do it. NO! If you do it regularly, it goes on the list!!!!

1. Thinks of others before herself.
Demonstrated by taking in a child she did not want. Working out a special diet she was not asked to work out. Making gloppy pancakes when she doesn't like cooking pancakes......

2. Diligently cares for others
You follow all sorts of forums and you respond kindly and lovingly and appropriately and often profoundly to them.

3. Is a loving wife
You took in Sammy for Cubby. That alone ... but there is a lot more.

4. You honor your father and mother.
And on a secular level that would be beyond justification. But on a spiritual level it is so important and you have done so for years.


I could continue on for a good while, Pine - write your list!!!! It's important.

[Tam]

I agree with Dema
So many of us here could make that "good" list for you..but..
it is not how we see you but How you see you..
There is lots of good there sis....dig it out!

Write that List!!!!!!!!!!

We all believe in your here and know that you can do it.
Love ya bunches
Dont think to hard....
*Ok good you are sitting at the computer...but are you writing?
nope not quitting time yet....keep writing

See I knew you could do it!!

[Dora]

Thank you both for your very kind responses.

I sat looking at this paper not even knowing how to put positive things about myself down.

So I started with writing my day and every thing that happened. Some negative came up so I felt I should write this down or else it would be ignored. I ended up with 5 negatives and 1 positive.

I logged in and read your posts and it inspired me to seek harder. As I was writing I would write something then say oh I don't do that all the time. I remembered what dema said so I left it but carry that little thorn of guilt that I'm claiming something that is not true because it isn't true 110% of the time.

The 12 step leaders wife gave me an inventory list. It shows character defects as apposed to character assets. I think that might be a good place to start as well as the fruits of the spirit.

All along remembering even my righteous acts are like filthy rags. And with out Him I can do nothing but with Him I can do all things. Any good with in me has come from Him. His blessings for me.

You know a year ago I would of turned my head to get away from the thought that I could of possibly done one thing right.

[xxJILLxx]

Hello pine,

Love to see you moving forward sis.

The reason behind the personal inventory is a fact finding , fact facing process. The very reason that we are doing the steps is because something has gone wrong and we are to correct some of the things that have gone wrong... the reason for the inventory is to find out WHERE we have gone wrong.

I'm sorry to disagree with positive inventory stuff but my positive traits never got me into trouble. But however by removing the negative - doing the inventory on the negative- by the removal of the wrongs, the positive traits surface all by them selves, (less we begin to spiritually stuff ourselves). That would merely be just shifting the focus but all the negative would still be there.


pg 69 AA

... we reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Were we had been selfish , dishonest and inconsiderate. Whom have we hurt? Where were we at fault? What should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.....

pg 67 AA

...referring to our list again out of our minds wrongs others have done. We resolutley look for own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been intirely our fault, we try to disreguard the other person involved intirely.

Where were we to blame {if there is such} ? Now the inventory was ours , not the other person's. When we saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight.


One more time.. the positive traits never got me into trouble it is the above mentioned that did. When we take care of all of these negatives, the positives will surface all by itself. ( Less we would just be putting on spiritual masks )


Hope this helps sister, love ya bunches!

Jill and vahn

[goldieluvs]

awwwwww pine i just wanted to share something... i think looking at negatives and our mistakes is ok so that we can recognize em and then let them go. Dwelling on them however does no good. Now, i am not perfect and lots of times i hold onto negatives too. I realized it is ok to look back, see them, make amends if you can, if not be willing to and then set your sites on God and forward, cuz the past is just that PAST..... As far as positives, girl.... i could go on and on about positives in you... don't be so hard on yourself. See yourself through Jesus eyes. He knew everything that would and will ever happen in your life AND He still CHOSE to die for you, cuz He LOVES you. Ya know i once heard it takes thirty days for something to turn into a habit and three times that long to get rid of that habit, idk if its true. But reminds me of how often we see all our defects yet fail to see the good in ourselves. I mean after all none of us are perfect, nor will be while on this earth. You got a heart for people sis and a heart for God. Everything else will fall into place.

Jilly and vahn... while i never really did any AA stuff it actually sounds on target so amen and thanks cuz it brought me insight even tho it was meant for pine

[Dora]

I don't know what to say other than I'm confused.

Perhaps it's the difference in the two programs. The steps I'm doing is a Christian 12 step of recovery. It stems from the Celebrate Recovery program.

I'll ask at tonight's meetings about why do inventory and why positive inventory.
_________________________________________

Yesterday as I walked into church I saw one of the pastors. I walked up to him, touched his arm and said Hi and smiled. He was talking to another man so I went to take a step back so not to interrupt. I like to give the pastors a little encouraging "I'm behind you smile," before they preach because I see and hear to many congregational members sit in the pews judging the pastors and their words. I can't imagine trying to be in front of everyone delivering a message with others staring and judging and whispering about you. Ugh!

He turned towards me and smiled and I felt so warm inside. This man didn't just brush me off. I felt honest care and concern and love. He stopped the conversation he was having with this man and stretched his hand out to shake my hand. I reach out to shake his hand and he pulled me in and gave me the biggest hug. I just melted. Melted in his arms. To be loved and cared for in that perfect way as the Lord had planned. It was an extra long hug and I didn't feel one bit uncomfortable. I knew it was pure.

He looked at me and told me how he and his wife watched a true documentary of the area I grew up in. The way of life there. He said he has a greater understanding of my suffering. I saw a tear form in his eye as he turned his head and stopped talking for a moment. He looked at me and continued how after the movie him and his wife prayed for me. His wife is my counselor.

I tried to lighten the conversation because I saw he was struggling to continue. He told me I should never watch the movie. Of coarse I went home and looked it up. Why is it when I'm told no I hear do it do it do it.

I was able to forget everything till bed time. It's when the lights are out, everyone is sleeping, and life is silent that I can't stop my mind from thinking.

I hate that my life cause this man a tear. I hate it!! Yet the inner child takes notice, that someone would of stopped it, if he could have. I find it so surprising that someone takes the time and puts their heart on the line to even take a peek into my painful past because many knew but no one stopped it. Even the teachers and principal knew. But no one saved me. It makes me bitter. It makes me angry. It makes me scared. It makes me not trust. It makes me take control of everything in my life.

Every time I think of how I feel deep inside, past the self hate that comes from seeing my past effecting someone, that little girl inside looks up, she smiles, she feels as if she can be the real her, because she found someone who would of saved her. She thinks anyway, yet doubt tries to step in.

Allowing that inner child to feel the safety, the love, the care and concern from this brother took her a step towards healing. What she wants more than anything is this sort of love. To feel safe in the love, pure love of a brother. Maybe it's so important because it's something I never felt.

This pastor will be leaving soon. And that breaks my heart. I feel like I'm loosing again. I don't know if any of this even makes since to myself, let alone anyone else. I'm sorry this journal is a bit down. Had lots of those stupid triggers lately. Can't even watch tv with out one. Why they cause me to feel like lesser a person I do not know. I don't want to go down again but it seems like the past is popping up all day every day. Even in my dreams. Been talking to my family in MO a lot more lately, perhaps that's why. We don't talk about the past, but just thoughts of them trigger the past. Perhaps that's why I avoid them so much.

is King. Joy will come in the morning. Sacrifice of praise.

[goldieluvs]

awwwwwwwwwww pine lemme just wrap ya up in a hug. Bless your heart. Sounds like God has brought that lil girl more into healing and that is awesome to see. I am sorry they will be leaving soon, but i know in my heart that He has ya and He ain't gonna let go. He loves u. His grace IS sufficient.

luv ya my sister and know u r in His hands, safe and loved

[Dora]

I feel hopeless.

The underling issues are so huge I feel like not even God can fix them.

I know that's wrong. He after all is God.

I'm angry. I live with these memories being triggered. I can't even watch tv with out them being triggered. We watched King Kong. The 2005 version. The scariest part for me was when they were walking through the water in a river. It triggered memories and I had to leave the room. I started cleaning. I had to take out the garbage. Eleven o'clock at night but I had to take the garbage out right now!

Today I opened a drawer to look for a phone number to take care of a stressful problem that crept up in my day. I began taking everything out of the drawer and stacking them in neat stacks as fast as I could. I was zoned out. I got them all in neat little stacks, put them back in the drawer, got them out and stacked them again on the counter, put them back, got them out again to stack again. All along asking why am I doing this. Why don't I stop. Why am I wasting my time. Yet I couldn't stop. I just couldn't stop. In the back of my mind was all these pictures, memories.

I feel completely hopeless, except He keeps reminding me of His words, "I haven't forgotten you." It brings a little peace. A thread of hope.

[Lani]

Hey Pine

Sis? Breathe. Yes, I said.... Breathe. Seriously.... B r e a t h e.

I say that to you, because I understand exactly what you are saying. I understand, because I feel what you have expressed.


I wish I had the answer. I wish I could make all the crud go away.

I clean when I am feeling "out-of-control" too.
That sense of urgency... Do Something, ANYTHING! We go into Autopilot, I think... at least I do.

Ever feel (in life) like you are runnin in place? That is how I feel sometimes... then the lil dude in my brain is like, if we ain't going anywhere... why are we runnin? Good Question but I can't answer it either.

I was able to forget everything till bed time. It's when the lights are out, everyone is sleeping, and life is silent that I can't stop my mind from thinking.

Oh yeah... I get this. When everything is still, that stillness I expend every ounce of energy avoiding finally settles in. I have spent sleepless nights prayin the sun will hurry up and rise, just so I can justify getting out of bed... then I curse the sun for rising I know you understand that so I feel comfortable sharing it.




Pine our paths are, in so many ways similar... it is awe inspiring, cuz I know God alone coordinated our paths to cross and sis, for that I remain forever thankful. Ol cruddy is really tryin to drag us down, huh? Well, I am honored to stand with ya while we work together to kick cruddy to the curb. I cannot wait to see HIS plan through all of this.

Thank you, for reaching past the walls and stretchin out your hand.


My prayer for you, this night... Comfort and Peace


Peace n Luv in Christ,
Lani

[Dora]

*big hug*

I made an appointment with my counselor. I haven't seen her in something like 8 months. I hate going. I hate talking. I hate crying. Which I can't seem to stop today. I don't hate the men that did this. I just hate what happened. It's like the inner child is feeling all those things at once all day long and wants to scream so to make it stop, to make it all go away.

There better be healing on the other side of this. I lost hope that there is healing for me. I feel like all the things that happened have made me who I am. I am all that ugliness. I am this ugly thread.

The song You Are More has played on the radio over and over today it seems.

How can I be more? How can I go from my past not bothering me for months to being so tangled in it I can't think.

[Dora]

Counseling went well. I can breath again.

She wanted me to talk about the biggest memory that keeps causing me problems. I said no. I am not ready to go through it. We talked about a lot. I talked and talked and talked. Not sure I made since. But I talked around all the memories. Never tip toeing into any of them. For fear they might bite me.

After 45 min of me jabbering about everything she had me go to a place mentally where I am safe. That is my holy place with in where only God is allowed. And what ever He chooses to bring in. Oh yeah, there's some guy I don't know that stands guard there. I've come to be comfortable with him there. He is only there to protect me. He never speaks and I never speak and we rarely ever even look at each other. If I look at him he will look at me and then I turn away real fast and he goes back to guarding me. Perhaps he is my guardian angel. Well anyhow, Today he wasn't there, just me and God. I didn't look for him, didn't miss him didn't even think about him till just now.

So in this place of just me and God sitting in the counselors office, God rushed in and said everything is going to be alright. I began to cry and the counselor stopped everything to see what was wrong and if I'm ok. I told her what He said and she smiled and turned the music back on. God and I walked together through everything there in that secret place of our and He reminded me of why each object was there. The apple tree He planted when He taught me about being the apple of His eye. It's a reminder so when I begin to doubt and when I begin to think that was just for David. Then the mountains that He took me for a flight over and taught me to trust Him to carry me. A snake, yes a snake. Eek! I always take notice when the snake enters. Then God always commands it to go and it must obey. Today the snake entered and I felt as if the snake was all the past evils trying to get to me again. God pointed and the snake obeyed.

Just like that feeling of when the pastor hugged me and I snuggled in so warm and cozy, I felt just like that all warm and cozy in Gods protection. It is ok to go back and deal with the snakes, the evils, because He commands them and will protect me from them.

We took a trip to a field of flowers that was one of my favorite places to play as a child. I miss that place so much. When I get to heaven that is where you'll find me, in the fields of flowers. Then we took a flight over the river. Immediately bad memories began to take over. As if I were flying with an angel we went up into the clouds and past another area where another bad memory is. We just flew around it. I said I don't want to go here. He said it is ok because we are not returning we are just flying together through them. He is in control, not me. With Him in control, taking me back, so I can put the memories to rest I can do this. It was then I realized why this lately struggle. I knew it was coming, but kept hiding from it. I knew there would come a time I would struggle and cry and scream because I wouldn't take care of them. I was waiting for them to be causing me so much struggle I had to deal with them. And here is the time.

While hovering together above one memory many more were trying to come out. I can't even describe the feeling. I just shut down. I said I can't go there. Even in His arms hovering over. This is why I avoided the counselor. She scheduled another appointment. It wasn't even an option for me if I wanted to come back. My insurance is messed up so she isn't getting paid except this small co pay of mine. I keep telling her to let me know what I can do to help get this straightened out.

For now I have some of my smile back. I feel some peace. I gotta keep seeking Him and His presence.