The Inner Child

[deetu]

keep listening to Holy Spirit piney...write down what you hear
it is amazing to go back and read later on

[Dora]

Thank you for the reminder Dee Dee. I wrote it down now.
Thank you Dema. Your words are comforting.
Love both of you.

The actual dream was of me laying on a black table. Looked more like an alter. I was sleeping. Was in a hospital room. I don't know how I knew it was a hospital room because it didn't look like one. The room it's self had no windows, no dressers, or curtains, or sinks. Nothing in the room but the table and me and God was there. I couldn't see His face because it was so bright. There was on light in the room. And one door. There was a sense of doctors being in a room near. They knew God was with me and that was ok with them.

The color of the room has stood out to me all day. Was a blue, but a greyish blue. Peaceful yet with an appearance of illness.

While I slept God was waving his hands over me. Why whole body. Like starting at my feet and working his was to my head, then back down then back again. Just before I woke up He was close to my head and was talking to me about the things I shared this morning. Then He stood up and I woke up. I had fallen asleep at 7pm and woke up at exactly 2 am. Seven hours later.

I woke feeling as if I had been in a very deep sleep and fully rested and confident. No guilt or shame or burden was on me.

[Dora]

My inner child spends much time sitting on a cold bench in a dark place. Head down, hands in her lap. Afraid she'll do something wrong. Occasionally looking up when she hears others enjoying life and she considers joining for just a moment until she remembers who she is.

I have often wondered why I still get this picture after all the progress I've made. He's made. I feel I am enjoying life and joining in. Yet deep with in there still is some sort of despair.

A few weeks back. I completely gave up. I didn't care if I was going against God, I just couldn't continue on. I turned to self destruction. It didn't matter who or what I hurt along the way. I felt numb.

I saw this inner child move. Despite everything she has been through she has never been so scared. She was scared of me. Completely scared of me. I saw her stand up on the cold concrete bench and put her arms up and scream for God to help her. To save her from me.

It was very weird. All of this is weird. Some may think I should consider the funny farm for seeing such things. That's ok. Those who do could consider what I've been through and ask themselves if they'd come out "normal."

I am on step 4 of the 12 step that meets at a church near where I live. At sharing time I found I was taking the easy way out and sharing what God is doing, instead of sharing about me which is what this is designed for, reaching me not reaching someone else. Forcing me to accept I am valuable and just as worthy of someones time as the next person.

So I shared just a few sentences. One man in the group clinched his fists. I hated myself for sharing. It effected another human being. After a few days of kicking myself I realized I needed to see this effect a man. I needed to see that a man truly cares that other men hurt me. I need to see that he would of stopped it if he could. I write this with tears because to see another man who hardly knows me hates what happened to me even to be effected by it, touches me. To see with my own eyes that someone really does care. To the point they are moved. It is so very hard for me to grasp. For that one moment I was not just a nobody whos feelings and emotions doesn't matter. Does this sound terrible that I needed to see that? It may seem so strange or maybe even it's not understandable.

I do still carry guilt. I do still carry hatred and resentment towards them and myself. The more I pray the more I feel God softening my heart towards them, so that I can release them from their actions. Which is what Gods will is for me. His word promises He will give me the desires of my heart. Perhaps I need to pray just as hard that He helps soften my heart towards myself.

[dema]

You always matter, Pine. Always. If you were to be zapped into another dimension, how many people would be devastated without you? And how many of us would miss you and continue to look for you?

Jesus loves you totally and intimately.

We care for you. You know how to care for others - so you should know in your heart how much we care for you.

What did you not do as a child? Have you gone to do those things?

When I was little doll houses and music boxes were ridiculously expensive. Now, I have three of each. And it matters - even though I had a lovely childhood with parents who treated me, and still treat me, very well.

How much more would it could it matter for you to get the beautiful doll or the fancy kite or whatever it was that you really, really wanted. It won't make up for the hugs - but it will be something for that little girl inside of you.

An all day sucker? A cupcake with sprinkles? A cake with your name on it? What silly thing will make you feel special?

[Dora]

Dema! YOU are such a treat to me.

I can accept people here love and care about me. Which is something I once couldn't not accept. I love people here very deeply and if I can love like that then so can others. That's my way of realizing and accepting the love offered.

I realized things I say effect others here so I try to be more careful in what I share. When before I never realized anyone cared enough that my words would effect them. Then I gotta becareful not to hide my feelings and emotions so they don't effect others negatively. Which sometimes is ok but sometimes I need to share so I can figure them out.

Up until just a few years ago I wouldn't buy myself necessities. Still struggle to do so. Guilt over buying socks because the guys in my house always need socks. So I should be getting them socks, not myself! Not that I can't just get them socks too, but the guilt of me receiving anything is huge. I'm getting better about this because I do buy the socks or what ever I need but I still fight the guilt.

If someone fixes a meal I couldn't enjoy eating it because I didn't deserve someone else serving me. My husband has a week off and fixed me breakfast every day. Not just toast, but a very balanced, warm, meal that took him more than 15 min to prepare. That was soooooooo hard for me. The first few days I couldn't sit still. I would wiggle in my chair and keep asking can I help. He'd say no. By Friday I was able to enjoy eating the breakfast he cooked for me with out feeling guilt of I didn't help fix this. Tonight he got dinner ready and served it and I still feel guilty 4 hours later. That's my job! I'm failing if he does it for me. Despite the fact that he loves to cook.

I can just picture your special things that bring you joy. Your doll houses and music boxes.

I think I can safely say everything I own has been given to me. Except one bracelet. It is braided leather, three strips (trinity), with hearts (love) pierced through (Jesus was pierced for my sins) and it buckles like a belt (gotta keep those things buckled around me so I don't forget them). When I bought this I didn't know it had meaning. It was when going through the healing process He revealed the meaning to me one at a time.

My thing I do that is for me is the guitar. Though it to was given to me (by my hubby) and he won't let me quit lessons, I could quit. But I can accept this ongoing gift he has given me. And go to these meetings. Tonight I met the leaders wife for tea. We talked and I shared and didn't feel guilt or get emotional or anything.

When my girl was little I bought her a very nice doll and bought myself one, so so I could play with my girl. I think I enjoyed tending to my doll more than she did hers. She has both in her room. We've made furniture and clothes for them. And her daddy made a bunk bed so our dolls had a comfy place to sleep.

[stillstanding]

oh my, Sufficient Pine...

love you, sis! i don't understand it, but your posts speak to me. i am learning about myself thru you. thank you for sharing

i have a game i play online. that's my one thing.

God Bless you, Pine.

we can do all things thru Christ who strengthens us. Amen.

[dema]

I think you know the reason why - abusers blame the victim.

Abusers say over and over, "you made me do this." "It's your fault" "If you hadn't of done that"...

It's nonsense of course. I had a woman tell me she hated the way her husband chewed. Come-on now.

But that is the pattern - abusers are out of control and a lot of their acting out is due to feeling that they have no control. That they themselves are victims of the universe. And their victims are the ones they blame most of all. But, they seek out spouses that they can blame and abuse.

We were warned about this when we went to foster parent school - because the girls in foster care tend to be the exact kindof girl these guys want.

So, the children of these couples - whether they are abused or not - hear constantly about fault, fault, fault. Dad's in a bad mood from work - it is mom's fault. Everything is mom's fault.

And the kid learns to believe it on some level.

Unlearning something you had drilled into you that way as a child is tough. Pine, I'm glad that Cubby is helping you to do it.

[Dora]

sufficientmorta I'm so glad God led you here.

Abusers say over and over, "you made me do this." "It's your fault" "If you hadn't of done that"...

I do still have the words in the back of my mind as to why it's my fault. Even though I should know better. Like the other lies that took time and prayer these need to be dealt with as well.

Glad we have our Lord to help us through everything.

love yas

[Dora]

Since the 12 steps began I've had pictures coming back over and over. I can't be touched with out seeing someone who's not really there. At moments I feel insane. My hubby keeps asking me if I'm ok. I snap yes! I agreed a while back I wouldn't do this. Now I have to apologize and fess up.

The leaders wife told me the more I talk about it the easier it gets then I can share with someone and help them see those deep dark ugly things they have hidden so deeply don't have to be carried. I keep questioning if this is for me. Helping others. I can stay where I was and be fine! Stepping up this next step is very difficult.

[goldieluvs]

awwwwwwwww pine

God is right there with you and He will not fail you. Hold onto that. What i learned is that you gotta go through those dark places, and realizing that they don't have to define you. You are So much more. A child of God and He is holding you tight and won't let you go. When you are ready to begin the next step, you will know in your heart.

luv ya sis

[Dora]

Thanks Goldie

I apologized for lieing about how I felt. He said he knew I was struggling even when I said I didn't.

I had to apologize to my daughter who sensed I wasn't ok. I lied when she asked if I was ok.

When I apologized she said she felt like I was saying she wasn't good enough for me to share my problems with.

Ouch!!!

[stillstanding]

love ya sis

(((((((((((((((((SufficientPine))))))))))))))))))))))))