The Inner Child

[Dora]

Good to see you momof3

I do feel better. Smiling again.

Thanks and hugs to those that prayed and shared. Love yas all.

[Tam]

Ok sis....I totally understand where you are coming from. I know that you are going to climb back up and that you are going to make it.
those of us who have been abused like you said don't want people to feel sorry for us by no means. Because these battles only make us strong in HIM and HE is where our peace and happeness is.
You keep pressing in sis and know that I am here for you .
Love you bunches

[Dora]

I seem to share when I'm really really down and can't get up.

So here I am today sharing something a bit uplifting. I hope it brings you a smile.

Life has been a second by second battle of the mind. Very exhausting. My brain is to the point I can not even think anymore.

I've prayed and prayed and prayed. To the point of tears beging him to help me.

Yet it seems as if He's saying there's something else He needs from me. I can feel Him there cheering me on. So I continue.

Finally I asked Him to send my angels to minister to me. Immediately I felt lifted. IMMEDIATELY! My spirit immediately felt rest and peace and my mind was flooded with good memories. Felt like a little girl wrapped in a mothers love as the mother lovingly told her daughter of wonderful stories from days gone by.

God is so good. He is just so very very good. We are so blessed.

[deetu]

Woo Hoo! That is what needs to happen, believe He is there waiting for you to ask, not beg hoping something will change.

Whenever we call Jesus, the others have to leave....tell the thoughts to leave right when you first notice them...before you reach that pit.
The 72 returned telling Jesus the even demon fled in His name.

Evil will try to keep you from what God has planned for you but God uses this to make you stronger...like you said before, sharpening. Ask God to make you stronger that you don't hold on to other peoples' feelings...that you know them, pray for them, then let them go.

Love you piney

[Dora]

This has been one of the best Christmas I've ever had. By far. The people around me made it so special as well as time with Him.

The enemy has tried extra hard to steal today from me. Memories are so painful. For some reason people want to reflect when it's a holiday. I'd rather not. I remember a few things about Christmas that helps me understand why I avoid the Christmas' past.



I refuse to live in the past. Today was excellent. A blessing in many ways. Love rules! Satan drools.

[Dora]

Someone shared with me that they got a picture of me sitting at the top of the dark pit I use to live in. With my feet hanging over and the enemy is in the pit grabbing at my legs. I won't move away from the pit. You know the pit is comfortable in it's painful way because it's what I know. It's home. And looking around outside of the pit there are things and people that I don't know what will happen or what they will do. It's like a fear of being hurt by someone I'm not use to hurting me. So I just sit on the edge and dangle my feet so if those out side the pit get to close I can jump into the pit for safety. Sure there's scary things down there and it's cold and dark. But I know those things. Right now I'm just sitting there with my legs pulled up to my chest looking over the edge at the ugly things that want me back. I do believe one day I'll walk away from the pit.

Sometimes I reach out to help another and I feel them pulling me back into the pit. I recognize this now and won't allow myself to go there. I won't live in the pit anymore!

I started a program called celebrate recovery. My church is involved in it. It seems really good. Yet some of the questions I'm surprised at. They are very personal and way to deep for me to be comfortable sharing with anyone. I can type about them. But to open my mouth and speak of them, no way.

One thing I learned from this first day of celebrate recovery was to use the resources available to me. My spouse notices when I'm struggling and he opens up to talk. I just shake my head no and walk out of the room. I'm afraid if I open my mouth emotions will come out that he is not prepared to handle.

I learned I need to stop denying myself my emotions and feelings as it's just stuffing things back and never being dealt with.

So I shared this with my spouse. I can't believe how very hard it is to share just that little bit. After just sharing what I learned from day1 I was fighting tears and trembling. Perhaps starting slowly and opening up just a little at a time is the way to being able to lean on him when he is willing to be there for me and when I need someone to lean on.

I told him I don't know why day one opened up so many emotions because I've been through programs before so I'm not really on day one. He shared that it's because I never really put to practice day one. I have accepted a lot! But what I accepted was the ugly truth of the past. And denied myself to accept the good things of the past and present.

After I did the day 1 which had questions that triggered my ugly past I found other things triggering. I turned on the tv to drown out the mental noise, while I listened to youtube, and talked on the phone and found it's not enough to drown out the mental noise. Then the tv had a new show come on of a little girl being hurt by a man. Ugh!!! I changed the channel, a woman being raped! I love tvland where the shows don't show terrible things. The worst that happens is Barney Fife has to try to get his bullet from Andy cause there's a "bad guy" in town selling stolen produce along side the road.

Things are not good at home. Probably was a bad night to call home. Didn't help my triggering any. Plus I couldn't stay calm when I heard how things were going. It's just very upsetting and when I was already struggling with my emotions adding their pain on top of my own is just to much. I'm taking it to the cross every moment and just sitting with Him. I'm in a way angry because this all continues. I'm glad I live so far away but I hurt for those who have to face it every moment of the day. Never knowing if someone with a gun is going to walk into their work and take out their revenge. Or if the cops will come to tell them our sister or mother was killed today. I feel guilty because I left them to suffer this alone. They call me pleading what to do and yelling that I don't have to deal with it but they do. If I were there what could I do but comfort them. They are glad I'm not there because I am safe. But I hear their cries. I'm not their rescuer.

One thing God reminded me of last night was to praise.
Today He is saying it's all made new.
I'm going to go eat something salty and drink something that burns as it goes down. And find my comfort food. Tostitoes, with guacamole and a coke. Then chocolate!

[deetu]

..comfort food... definitely chocolate...yes chocolate

piney, instead of trying to drown out the mental noise, tell it to leave in Jesus' name. You have the authority and power with the strength of Jesus in you. Then ask Holy Spirit what to do about it... face it warrior! That is what evil is trying to keep you from doing....means you are doing something right.


love the analogy of the pit... can see it...

[Dora]

Dee I don't think at those moments I can even think rationally. By the time I got to the comfort food I should of been turning to God instead of a product for comfort.

But all is well today. Everything is settled in. Still concerned for my family back home. But the past is tucked safely back where it belongs and my emotions have settled in. I feel like a time bomb ready to explode though.

The serenity prayer is becoming a bigger part of my life as I learn to accept this world the way it is and not try to change things that aren't mine to change.

[Mackenaw]

Hello Piney

God bless you this day.

I'm glad to hear that you are feeling better today. Yeah!!!

Piney, I know we've talked about "feelings" and our "emotions" many times, because we both pick up on other peoples' feelings, and they sometimes feel like our own -- even when they are not. Thus, the time bomb feeling.

When it comes to our blood relatives -- family members -- often, we react out of habit instead of how we've been trained by and through God and His leading. As Oasis often says, because we have a dog in the hunt.

But, Piney, just as Jesus said...these are my family...as he pointed to all those gathered around Him.

Sometimes we (you and I) look at our blood family members as "special" and we react differently: and we think we have to come up with the solution -- when in reality, God is STILL the only solution. We have to give them (our blood family and their emotions that they put upon us or that we receive from them when talking with them) over to God -- just as we would if a stranger told us all their problems.

If miles separate us, then we can't give them hugs, sit quietly with them or fix them a meal, but...the words shared; especially those full of fear and worry, must be laid down at the feet of Jesus. They are not ours to carry, and neither are they ours to add more fear and worry to.

Within my own extended family -- which is HUGE!!! -- the same story of woe can make it's rounds for months and even years after the actual members involved in the original challenge are no longer thinking about that event and have moved on in their life. But because their story is still being repeated, others are just going through the needless worry because they just now heard it.

See what I mean?

Lifting them up to our Lord in prayer is doing something, Piney. It is doing a blessed thing, wherein God is being glorified and the needs of those we are concerned for are being heard by The Father. May God's blessed will be done.

Our hope is in Jesus. He is something to be glad in.

God bless and keep you, Piney.
Love,
Mack

[Dora]

You gave me a lot to think about Mack.

Love you 2!

[Dora]

I couldn't understand why the triggers were coming back and often. Last night the memories wouldn't stop. Like riding a boat in the storm they would hit and I'd feel like I was drowning. Then they'd ease. Then like another wave they'd hit again.

I felt the Lord asking me to not log in last night but to lay down so I did. I laid there in tears as the memories wouldn't stop. Then I felt the Lord ask me to praise Him for the triggers. At first I thought what!!! Praise Him for this struggle! I felt Him ask me to trust Him with this. So I started thanking Him for the triggers. And they stopped. I think It confused the devils little minions. I drifted off to sleep at 7pm. At 2am I woke with a very strong knowledge of what to do.

He shared with me not about the deep root of resentment but about the guilt I carry over knowing the root is there. He shared with me that it is not with in me to remove the root as I do what I don't want to and don't do what I want to. Setting myself up to take care of this deeply rooted bitterness is making myself God over my problem. He wants to be God over this problem. He wants to tend to it so He can be glorified.

I am human and any human would struggle with this root if in my shoes. I have never felt the Lord saying to me that I need to remove this resentment. I have had Him show me it is there, but never has he laid guilt or conviction on top of it. That has come from others and from self. I no longer will expect to be held to higher standards than anyone else. I will no longer expect myself to overcome this bitter root. But I will wait on the Lord as He works it out in His way and in His time.

I have made the little girl inside to carry shame on top of the pain that she carries. If I were to allow her to speak you would find a very angry little girl that would kick and scream at the top of her voice for the eternity of her being and lash out at anyone that stepped in her path.

I'm so thrilled with our God who didn't stand far off when I was struggling. He rushed in and comforted me and fought the battle. Then gave me direction with in the deep peaceful sleep He gave me. I love our Lord. He is so good.

If the triggers hadn't of been bringing about the storm I would not have been in the place to hear and receive what He had for me.

[dema]

Pine, those are HUGE revelations.

I am continually reminded about how much God does NOT want us to be perfect. He wants us to let Him be a part of our lives. He wants to lead us and guide us. If we were perfect, why would we lean on Him?

We learn through these victories. We grow through them. You have had a huge cross to bear. Your victories are wonderful.

Shame and guilt are not from God. They are very effective tools of the evil one.

Hugs.