The Inner Child

[kimby]

Dancing with Him...sounds beautiful.
I am in a place right now where I hate the thought of Him looking at me...of Him seeing what I see. I am ashamed and afraid.

I feel so much like I am two people...the one who gets up and leaves the house everyday, that one appears to have everything together...then there is the other one, the one that is angry and hurt, confused and frustrated and alone, the one who is trying to pretend that none of those things are true.

I had actually already looked at the studies, before I even joined, but I just don't think I can do it. I know it is nothing more than words on a computer screen, words I can get rid of with the click of one button, and yet, the thought of doing it terrifies me. Silly, I know, but not any less the truth.

[deetu]

[Dora]

We wear masks don't we. I think it's safe to say we all do. Some just have more than others.

Those things that cause the guilt and shame, He died for them.

Did you know you're free from judgment. Even if another judges you. Doesn't make their judgment right. And doesn't mean God has judged you the same. Keep sharing.

[deetu]

And we must make sure not to judge others because that leads us to pride.
Was there...wasn't a pretty sight and God knocked me down before it could take root.
Thank you Lord

[Dora]

Oh Dee! I've been there too. So glad God loved you enough to save you from it.

[goldieluvs]

Awwwwwwwwwwwww ty sis the very words u typed has been on my heart for past few days... luv ya

[Dora]

I'm at the point I don't even know where I am or where I'm going. I have dreams of abuse again. When awake the whispers are so strong. I have no foundation anymore to fight them with. I can not say that they are lies and that I believe the opposite because my belief has crumbled.

The battle just got stronger and stronger and I kept winning, but this time, he hit me right where he knew I would crumble.

Everything seems to bother me. Everything brings tears. I feel other peoples heart aches as if they are my own.

Everything negative that ever happened seems to be thrown in my face right now. Everything I did. Everything others did. I keep saying he is forgiven. But my own stuff, I'm not sure if they forgave me, so it's hard to forgive me.

It wasn't that long ago that I felt as if I was soaring through life. I love my life so much that I didn't mind being here in the trenches (this world) fighting. But now I just want to go home.

I guess others feel this way to? Or maybe I'm just weak. It takes all my energy. I'm sick to my stomach nearly every day over it.

I feel as if God is in the other room. To disgusted in me to be near. I don't even know what I did. I just feel rejected. Someone said something about me having the spirit of rejection with in me. That is why I fear rejection and feel rejected. I just remembered that.

Someone said something about God cares about what is bothering me. I instantly felt His closeness. It brought me to tears as it does now to think He would want to be close to me. I don't understand how I could go from being so connected to Him to so far away and feeling so dirty yet not even knowing what I did. Maybe a box of chocolate would help.

I'm sorry. I wish I could tell you that after God has brought me through so much that I could over come anything. I feel I've lost all my hope. The only hope I have is that when I come to that heavenly place I know things will be better. I have this picture when I think of me entering heaven of Him seeing me and pointing to my place out back. Because I don't deserve to be with others and He is to busy to greet me. I don't know why I see it that way. But it's so real. I wonder if it hurts Him that I see that as much as it does me to see that.

Even in posting this the enemy screams I shouldn't. Why do people have to be so harsh. I feel as if I wasn't created for this world. It hurts me to much.

[Dora]

It will all be alright.

I took a drive. Turned my music up on and turned it up loud to drown out my thinking. Music is so soothing. Even the harder stuff soothes my soul. Just something in a song seems to bring my spirit to a place of peace and rest when nothing else can. I haven't been able to listen to music much lately. People feel I'm trying to ignore them if I put in my ear buds so I have been not listening. I can't listen to it quietly, it just doesn't have the same effect. I still hear all the arguing and problems and my own thinking is SO loud at times. Went to guitar lessons and had a sweeeeeet time! Laughed and made my instructor laugh. She was in a bad mood cause the kid before me threw a tantrum AGAIN! It puts her in a bad mood so she is rougher on me than usual but I just laugh at my mistakes and she tries to yell at me and end up laughing along with me. By the time my lesson is over her heart is soft and she is smiling and I'm bouncing out the door with a skip in my step and my head full of what I need to practice this week. I just wish these lows wouldn't hit so low.

[Dora]

Sitting here this morning with peace in my heart. Then the whispers began. Softly at first. Seems to begin with something that triggers a searching of am I rejected, am I loved, am I accepted, am I understood, am I valued. Then the tiny reminds of this person said, this person did, that begins to make me doubt in me and who I am, then the desperate searching to comfort myself yet the tiny whispers were allowed in so the searching become frantic and the whispers grow louder until I can't head even my own thinking. My peace is stolen. Fear
and doubt take over. The pain grows. Then hate comes and anger.

The farther I allow the enemy to walk me down that road the farther I have to walk back. By the way, it's a down hill walk he took me on. That means the road back is up hill.

If I could or would just see when this walk begins to go down ward and stop it I sure would save myself a lot of heart ache.

[Christnundrconstruxn]

oh my poor pine you have my heart breaking for you,
I'm sorry for the burden I laid at your feet, you have enough,
but I am wondering why you never said anything, I hope you know I will ALWAYS be there for you when you need a friend or just a prayer.
I hope you know what you have meant to me alone not counting all the others you have spoken to on here, and your a wonderful friend to us all
You and some of the others on here don't realize the difference you made in my life, about now some are ready to message me and say it was God making that difference and yes they are right BUT HE CHOSE YOU to use so yes you are VERY important yes you are VERY loved yes you are VERY valued (are you getting the picture?).
So one more thing CRANK UP THE MUSIC!!!!
because God loves you, all of Oasis loves you and SO DO I!!!!
Also don't worry I will walk back up that hill WITH you
God bless
Your friend
and fellow Christian
Cuc

[Dora]

Oh cuc do not feel sorry for me. Feel sorry for all the ones who do not have Jesus. The ones who are loosing the battle.

I go through this mental battle constantly. I was just sharing so that perhaps someone would see the answer to their own battles and overcome. Plus journaling my ups and downs helps me to see where there's need for work.

love ya bro

[momof3]

My sister in Him...if you could only see you through the eyes of Jesus...how He sees you. If you could only see you the way He saw you the day He created you....and even the day He thought of creating you. You know the battle is in the mind and that you must lead your heart and emotions..not the other way around. The only way to do that is to replace those thoughts as soon as they enter and dont let them take root. Dont give them voice..dont give them the power over your spirit to tell you what Christ thinks of you and how much He loves you and how beautiful you are to Him is a lie. Dont focus on the lies. Focus on the truth. Dont focus on what the enemy whispers..what the old looks like...but what the Lord Jesus has done in your life and delivered you from.

I love you, sis..and am praying for you. Be strong in Him. He is your strength. He is the One who brought beauty from ashes in all of us..and He isnt finished in any of us. Let all of this mold you into what He sees you as. Remember that trials bring about patience..but let patience have her perfect works..so that you want for nothing...rejection will come from the world and the ruler of the world..but you are not of the world. You are His chosen. The peace is there for you if you will believe its given to you and take it back...

love you sis...God bless you, girl.

in Jesus,
love momo