Tam's Journal.....Tragedy to Triumph

[deetu]

tam, did you ever break the word curses spoken over the eating both too skinny and being fat?
Break all curses dealing with weight in Jesus' name... let Holy Spirit guide your words and take control back the way it was intended. Break any legal right the enemy had to attack you in this way.
Then ask Jesus to fill you with strength and willpower to change how you have seen this all in the past.

[Tam]

Thanks Dee. Just not there with this yet. Gotta deal with everything first.

[Tam]

Ok first of all let me start out by saying I am so sorry for leaving class on Tuesday night. No excuse. I should have stayed and pressed through. But I didn't. That is behind me now. So we move on.
I attended Pines CCCC class on Thursday and she was teaching on shame. Awesome class it was.
Been thinking and praying on that since then. Gotta watch what you pray for.
So then comes Tuesday night time for His Body Our Temple. I was SOOOOOOOO excited about this program. The first question Bren ask is to take God out of the picture....How would you describe yourself? OUCH!!!!!! That hurt really really bad. Well I took a chance and I answered the question (with God outta the picture) and I said that I am 5"6 fat and ugly. Yes that is how I would describe myself with God outta the picture. Then WHAMMMMMM all the positive comments start flying. Yes I understand that we have to build each other up and I know all this stuff. I was just saying how I would describe myself outside of God. However sometimes we have to get to the root of the issue before we can even receive the building up (outside of God)
I am in this stage right now where even the internet hugs hurt in this area of my life. I have pushed and pushed and pushed all this down my entire life only to have to start facing it now.
Before I can even let God begin to heal this area, before I can bind and lose anything, I have got to come out of the denial stage and face the fact that I was lied to all my life.
Everyone says that all those things that I heard all my life were lies. To you yes they may be but to me they are not. When I look in the mirror I see the fact that I am fat is NOT a lie. It is a fact I weigh 245lbs. that is over-weight. That is fat. That is NOT a lie. What is looking back at me is all that fat that I do see in the mirror. Fact!!!! All the words I heard growing up about my weight (because I was a child I received them as truth) have defined what I look like. I began to see myself as fat and guess what BOOM!!!!!! I am now overweight.
Do I bind all those word that I heard? Maybe one day yes. But right now I have got to realize in one way or another that yes, those were lies.(as I said, truth to me) begin to talk to God about them and begin to let HIM heal me one step at the time. I have got to face the reality that although that may or may not have been true back then, it has had an awful effect on my life. One that I would like to put behind that wall and never face. Do I do that? I would love to! but, that would accomplish nothing. I have to face my giant head on in order to get past it. Am I ready to do that? I don't know. Am I willing to try to do that? Yes!
I know that this will not be easy but know that even though I have to put aside what God thinks about me and how God sees me, that He will still be right there carrying me all the way.
He will pick me up when I am crying and can't control it. HE will hug me if that is what I need or He will sit back and let me deal like I need to but with His arms still open. I know that I can run and crawl in His lap at any given moment. I know that He will be beside me all the way.
Tuesday night, I ran and hid. I didn't like what was coming up. I didn't like what I was seeing. Running and hiding used to be my nature. So Am I willing to give the OBHT another try? You betcha! Will I run if it gets difficult? I don't know, can't honestly answer that one right now. But I will do my best!
I just wanted to share where I was and why I left on Tuesday night. It was nothing no one did or said. It was what was going on in my head.

[Tam]

Bren sis, You do not by any means have to apologize to me for anything. I thought you were doing an awesome job. The problem was with me sis.
love you

[Lani]

Tam

Truth is an awesome tool in seeking healing...
I commend you for taking the leap of faith to see that question and reply from your heart.

I know you know.. Lots of stuff.... remember to breathe please!

One step at a time... healing will come

TY for allowing us to walk with ya through this.

Peace n Luv in Christ,
Lani

[Tam]

Ok so in honesty here .........
Yesterday was a really bad day for me. I ate everything in sight and then some. I choose not to list it today because it was all the wrong stuff to eat. UGH Why do we do that? When we are down or discouraged or frustrated or whatever....why do we think that we have to eat everything in the house.
Oh well.....today is a new day and It has started out ok. Will list my meal intake tonight.
Love you guys!!!!!!

[Tam]

Ok so on Thursday March 10 I had
6:45 little jimmy dean sausage biscuit and chocolate milk
12:45 I had shrimp fried rice and sesame chicken and water
6:30 I had small piece of grilled chicken
Mood all day was ok
10:00 I had abou 15 cheese puffs
11:30 I had a pack of nabs and glass of chocolate milk.
mood was very sad

[Tam]

Friday March 11
1:00 Chicken sandwich, FF and sprite ok mood
7:00 club sandwich sweet potato fries and water....mood was sad
had 3 bottles of water and several sticks of gum throughout the day

[Tam]

Ok So on Saturday March 12
I went out with a friend and we had the seafood buffet. at about 6:00 I had fish, shrimp fried and boiled, stuffed crabs, crawfish, crawfish, crawfish, fried pickles, cole slaw and 3 large glasses of water and one small piece of a Hershey cake

[Tam]

Sunday March 13
1:30 large glass of water, fish plank, green beans and creme corn
3:30 Water
7:30 Sprite
Mood all day was very anxious and sad later on in the evening

[Tam]

Ok So on Monday My day went as.....

6:oo am glass of chocolate milk.
gum at work
12:45 I had a ham and cheese poboy with lettuce, onion and pickle and about 10 fries and water.
8:00 pm grapes
mood was good until 7:45 then mood got very sad

[Tam]

Ok so today what I ate
7:45 I had 2 breakfast burritos a hashbrown and a sprite
11:45 I had about 6 tator tots and ketchup and water
6:00 I had a cup of spaghetti and 2 pieces of garlic toast and water.
Mood today was really ok. Stayed up late last night and made peace with Debbie dying.