My Quest for Rest

[mlg]

If anything happened to you Ann we would sorely miss you...but you know what...your not going anywhere...cuz Jesus has plans for you...hopes for you...love for you...and joy for you! Ann these steps will open new doors sis...so you just know that day 4 is a long way from day 14 and you have so much more to come. I see a bit of a breakthrough today...for you to be able to recognize what is...and to admit this...is GREAT!

Keep with it sis...you ARE moving forward...one step at a time!

luv ya bunches

[Ann_is_Alive]

OK I completed day 5 of the incest program

When I started my journey to - at the time - figure out what was wrong with me, I specifically looked for nonchristian help. I was not in a good place with God at the time.

I found a therapist who is not a christian. I was seeing her about 3 months before God led me here in September. As we got to know each other, she realized that God was key in my healing, even though I didn't realize it at the time.

I called her after I completed day 5 and asked why she has not recommended drug therapy. She told me that - while she does believe that drug therapy is something that would be beneficial to me - I would benefit more from christian therapy.

She gave me a list of local christian therapy groups for those who were sexually abused. When I told her I joined this site we talked about it. She sees me healing the best way I can for me.

mlg, thank you. Yea, I have a long ways to go. I keep praying that I make it through.

[mlg]

I have to agree that I believe you are benefiting a lot from Christian therapy. You have support that is so strong in Christ...that you are able to do things that you never thought possible. It's ok to seek out all your options...but always make sure to check with God to see what path He feels is best for you.

Your doing well sis...step 6 tomorrow. I'm looking forward to what you will share.

luv ya

[deetu]

didn't have anything to say... just wanted to give you a hug

[Dora]

Ann

I like this part of the day 5
God knows how many hairs are on our head.
Matthew 10:30
But the very hairs on your head are all numbered.

You know we all loose hair all the time. That means he has to keep track if he knows the amount. And he does know the amount. God loves you so much Ann that he would keep track of everything about you. Like a mother that watches your precious newborns every movement. Making note of every dimple, every little curve, ever toe and finger. Pretty amazing! You're not just a number. Sometimes I think God has so many children he can't possibly keep track or wouldn't want to. Yet I think of these moms with six babies. The mom is over whelmed yes, but she loves each one so very much. She can tell the difference when others can't. She knows their names, what is special or different about each one. I'd think if a human can do this for a hand full, how much more can God with his many children.

God loves you Ann and so do I!

[Ann_is_Alive]

I could not sleep last night. I knew I had to see mom. She looked so frail and sick. Hard to imagine anyone like that could ever do what she did.

This is the first time, I have seen anyone of my family since New Years. I stood outside her room just staring at her. The nurse told me I could go in if I wanted to. I told her thank you, but I was fine right where I was. She said OK, in your own time, it's OK, in your own time.

Then I started crying. Was she sleeping or was she in a coma. Was she really dieing or getting a good night sleep. I don't know. Didn't ask the nurse. Don't know if I really wanted to know.

I heard dad and sis coming, I left. Don't know if they saw me or if the nurse said to them I was here. Don't know why I left. Don't why I went to see her. I didn't forgive her....I don't think anyway. I wasn't angry when I saw her, just hurt. My heart hurt. That's all. No anger just hurt. I asked God if I should see her or not. Was waiting for an answer. I don't know if God told me to see her not. I just knew I had to. I don't know why though. My heart still hurts. So I am not sure I accomplished anything.

I went to bed and cried and cried and cried. I must have fallen asleep. It is morning and the sun is shining in my face and the birds are singing.

Not sure what to do now so.............

OK I completed day 6 of the incest program.

'You were made to fill a purpose only you can do'.

'God has a plan for you'

I ask Him what that is, didn't get an answer.

'God will take our suffering, our hurt our pain...........and make them into something beautiful'

OK I don't understand that. I want all that to go away not be turned into something else. I don't want to have anything to do with the suffering, hurt and pain they inflicted on me. What beautiful something is He going to make anyway?

Sometimes it is just too much. I have to forgive every single person who hurt me...............long list. I have to forgive myself. I have to ask for forgiveness for those I hurt................long list. I have to overcome current addictions...................long list. How am I supposed to do all of this?

I know, one step at a time, baby steps, but if I can't even forgive my dad - and I've been trying to do that for a long time - then how will I be able to do everything else. If I forgive one person, will I automatically forgive everyone else? Will it at least be easier to forgive everyone else? Don't know if I forgave mom.

mlg, thank you. When I started here, I asked God....if I need to see a christian therapist, lead me there as you had led me here. I still see the same therapist. I trust God would have led me somewhere else, if somewhere else is where I needed to be.

Awwww dee, thanks hugs to you to luv ya

Pine, yea, I know that is true, sometimes. It's kind of hard to believe sometimes.

I have been thinking, crying and typing for hours. I'm tired. I think i'll go back to bed again. Not sure what else to do. I still just hurt that's all.

[mlg]

Awww Ann, I feel in your shared words how difficult this was for you to do. But I think you needed to see for yourself your mom's condition. I want you to know that Jesus wiped away your tears as you cried, and He is there holding you. He knows that you need to forgive...but He also wants you to know that it's ok to forgive and let go. You don't have to carry this burden anymore.

Praying for you sis.

luv ya

[deetu]

Is it better to start with the little ones and work up or get rid of the big ones and go down.
Ann, I know when you forgive the hard ones, the others seem small and are easier to get rid of. Just so you don't feel overwhelmed.

[Ann_is_Alive]

Sorry, I can not talk about day 7

[mlg]

Come here precious girl! Big for ya.

Now take a moment to refresh...and rest on step 7, and then when you are able come back and post. You CAN do this...reach out for the hand of Jesus and ask for His help...with God all things are possible.

luv ya

[Ann_is_Alive]

It's horrible.......I remembered....more things

I can't I don't deserve it

[mlg]

Today is a new morning with new hopes. Good morning...what does today hold for you sis?

luv ya