The Inner Child

[goldieluvs]

Pine my sis

The coolest thing about God's judgement is that we are filtered thru cuz Jesus blood! He covers us, all of us, even those sinful times. Not to say we shouldn't strive to be more like Him.

Fear of someone judging u?? Just lovingly tell them that you are covered by Jesus! No one is perfect, you, me, others......

There is so much Peace when you r able to let go and let God! Which, btw ur doing awesome!

luv u

[Dora]

I woke this morning and asked God what He wanted me to do today.

I saw an old vision. And felt He was saying gotta work on this.

The vision was of a very tall pine tree in my parents yard. The tree was special to my dad for some reason. It fell over, completely uprooted it except a small portion of the roots. I saw the tip of the tree land hundreds of feet away and I was on the tree. I was a child. I slipped off the tree when it fell. I was wearing the same white dress I'm always wearing in my visions like this. The area I'm at is an area where memories are still bound up. I only see darkness but I know bad happened. I feel the tension, the fear, the desire to run, the anger of men, and the danger. I know one thing that happened there and it's disturbing.

I searched the site today for God's love and came up with the incest study day #1.

There was a guy my uncle would give me to. It's like I was his. This day there was another. When he laid me down in the woods the other guy got so mad he pulled a knife. There was a fight right beside me. I got hit a few times before my uncle broke it up. He shook me and yelled at me that it was my fault. I should stay home. And called me names. To me the first guy became like my boyfriend. I belonged to him. He took care of me by keeping others away.

The first part of the study talks a lot about the feelings I had for him. My uncle killed a man. I still see his face. I think it was this man. It seems like my mind is trying to process it all. Figure out what to do with this out of the normal information. It's been trying for a few months now. I try not to think about it. And I usually don't. Unless something triggers it. Then I just feel usually numb. Pull my hair a little until I push the memory back where it was. I mean really it was just what it was. What can be done. There's a fear that If I take care of this one, the others will come out of the darkness and I'll see why I have the feelings over them that I do.



Spent the afternoon on this portion.....

Ephesians 1:13-14
In whom ye also trusted, after that ye heard the Word of Truth, the Gospel of your Salvation: in whom also after that ye believed, ye were sealed with that Holy Spirit of Promise, Which is the earnest of our inheritance until the redemption of the purchased possession, unto the praise of His glory.

We are made with such uniqueness, that NO ONE else could fulfill the reason that God created us.


Its like He had this plan set for us BEFORE we were even alive.


Ever thought about that?


Believing we are not a piece of garbage, but have a PURPOSE for something?


Makes us wonder what it is. Is there really a plan for us?

Even after ......


ABSOLUTELY.


God knows the plans He has for us plans not to harm us but of peace, plans to give us hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

But why would God spend so much time making this wonderful plan for US?

Because He created us. God loves us knowing everything we do and have done. Even our thoughts are not hidden from Him and He STILL loves us just as much. We are the only one that can fulfill the purpose that God made us for.

Really hard to concentrate on the rest. I keep thinking it's not for me. My face feels hot and my head hurts. Gotta move. I probably should go back and reread the last half. Not that I really read it the first time. I tried but my mind doesn't seem to want to let the words sink in. It's like I read one line 3 times before I actually comprehend what it says then the next line I read but my mind is processing the last line. Sorta like in shock. I began this study before but never posted. It's really a difficult one to do. And If I post I feel I have to follow it through to the end. Not posting gives me that freedom to back out if things get to difficult.

[deetu]

pine

Did you ever break the soul tie to those men? You said you felt like he was your boyfriend and has come to your mind before... did you ever break the soul tie, calling that part of you back and returning the part of him you have?

And don't forget, when you bind something, like judgement, ask Holy Spirit what to do with it. It won't stay bound and you need to do something with it.

Baby steps... doing great...

[Dora]

I did dee a couple times. It's rather weird though. Each time I do it's like being called to the wrong direction. I don't like the feeling. It's not a releasing feeling.

Thank you for the reminders dee. I sure do need them. I even took notes but can't seem to digest what I wrote.

[Dora]

I had a vision a few days ago of a pearl with in. The word was for me to protect the pearl. Todays study said........

But why would God spend so much time making this wonderful plan for US?

Because He created us. God loves us knowing everything we do and have done. Even our thoughts are not hidden from Him and He STILL loves us just as much. We are the only one that can fulfill the purpose that God made us for.

Our smile was designed specifically for us.

Our laugh is unique.

Our gifts and talents are God-given.

Our personality is like no one else. Though we may have similarities with people, there is not one soul with the exact same personality.

No one else has the exact same footprint shape in the sand.

We are a pearl a treasure hidden within.

No one's shell looks exactly like ours.

No one's shell has been in all the same places as ours.

And no one has the same inner or outer beauty as the pearl that we are.

No one has the same sparkle and shine as our heart is made to have.

No one has the same experiences. No one can reach the people we can the exact same way. Some people can only be reached and helped by us because no one can understand them, except us. We have the experiences to really understand them. To really know how they feel.

God, You know our lives and You know US.

We're an open book to You; even from a distance, you know what we're thinking.

You know when we leave and when we get back; We're never out of Your sight.

You know everything we're going to say before we start the first sentence.

[Dora]

Reading of what goes on inside of me leaves me feeling a bit mixed. An excitement that someone understands and at the same time an anxiety cause because it feels like someone peeked with in. I find myself doing these inner checks through out the study. Stopping to check and make sure no one really sees with in. Perhaps when I completely come to grips with all this that happened I won't have that anxiety anymore.

I want to know if anyone has made it through this incest study? This is REALLY hard! I have all these pictures triggering and the emotions of all different flavors coming out and I am suppose to be able to concentrate on the words typed?!

I need the puke bucket that was being passed around last night.

Ok So Here it is.........................

Study spoke on a lot of questions and statements...Question: What did I do to deserve it?...Statement: Maybe I led them on....Statement: I must have deserved it....Statement: I could have stopped it....

You know that's exactly what they said!!!!!!

Let me take you there...cause if I gotta post then here ya go...if you sense anger please forgive me cause it does bring out that emotion with much trembling...As a child she loved to play in the woods. There was 3 different creeks, a pond filled with fish, cliffs, trees that had heavy thick branches that bowed down and made perfect little hiding areas, and many buildings for the farm animals. There were two tracks that led to fields where new adventures waited. There was even an area in the woods where everything was dead. That was where the witch lived. The lava flowed there and she had a dragon that hid within the lava and came out to devour us if them if they weren't careful. It was surrounded by thick brush and briers. Her cousin and her galloped through the woods on their pretend horses. Princesses on a journey. They knew every area of the woods because it's where they were most of the time. Each season would bring a changing of appearance to this play ground of theirs. Hundreds of acres. Fields of daises. Their imagination flourished together with endless possibilities of adventure every day.

Yet it was not safe. At all. She told mom what happened and her mom shook her and screamed at her to stop telling stories. She did want it to stop because she told her mom a few more times. When her mother threaten to slap her if she didn't stop telling these stories is when she began to hide them with in. (I feel guilt disclosing this...it's things that were to stay hidden...family secrets to protect each other.) They are just made up she was told. She felt like something was wrong with her to make up such terrible things. They must be made up, her mom said they were. Where would a child get ideas of men doing such things to her if they weren't real?

So she continued to go back to play in the woods. It was as if the two girls used the men in the woods as part of the game they were playing. Like the dragon in the lava they added a fear factor to their play. Only the one who couldn't see well because of her eye sight often was caught. And hurt. And told she must want it because she keeps coming into the woods. She was told she's sick for wanting such a thing. She was told she deserved it for not obeying. Yes her parents told her many times to stay out of the woods. Makes me wonder if they knew but didn't want to admit. The danger of being caught became a part of the game they played. They were never really hurt. Just made to do things they didn't really want to do when caught. I know they really didn't want to cause at first they'd fight and cry. Then give in and just go off to another world. It was just what happened. As if they accepted it as life. They knew her parents wouldn't believe her. They knew her parents would believe her sister so when her sister was with them she was safe. When she got away she could hear them yelling in anger. What a rush to be so close to the bad guy and then get away. She would get angry at the brush and briers because they'd catch her and slow her down. Then she'd get caught. Her cousin seemed to know the way around the briers. But wouldn't share the secret with her. After all if she was caught then her cousin was home free.

I can say to others it's ok all that junk happened, cause it's over and you're going to be alright now. Gods plan...forgiveness...and all that. Cubby wraps me up in his arms and says the same to me....but inside I feel like screaming you weren't there....it wasn't you...if you were and then you said those things to me perhaps I'd find comfort. Not that hearing the words doesn't bring a small amount of comfort because it does knowing others don't feel the same as the men in the past did. I guess it's like telling the widow who is buring her husband it's going to be ok..you'll see him again. It's all that can be said basically. But her pain is still huge and still there and she is the one who has to walk every day in those shoes.

This leaves me wondering if this really was Gods will or if I heard wrong. Cause it's much uglier out of the box than when it was hidden with in the box.

If I hadn't of posted I wouldn't finish. I've tried this study a few times and haven't made it past day 1 other than scan the pages which doesn't allow a lot of stuff to sink in. There's still a lot not sinking in. It's just to much. What I did yesterday wasn't day one. Though It said it was. Not sure where that page even came from. But here I am.

[deetu]

((piney))
The old stuff has to come out so that it can be refilled with the new and good stuff of God. If the old stuff didn't come out and be healed, then whenever you were needed to help someone else, a flashback or hurt would come up and you would be helpless to the enemy again.

You keep thinking that it will never end but God will bring it up a little at a time so you are not overwhelmed. You can see the change... things being let go... And mostly, the trust you are having in Jesus because of it.

[Dora]

Trying to do todays step.

The words with in the step are gentle and filled with compassion.

Yet I can not focus on the words.

I'm 1/4 way down and it's taken me 40 minutes.

Memories flood my mind. They steal my joy and peace. I walked away and tried to renew the mind but found I was just going numb to it all like I'm so use to doing.

What does the little girl want? She wants someone to rescue her from what she went through. What she still goes through as it haunts her ever day. Each time the memory comes back it's like the little girl is forced to relive it all over again.

I keep hearing and thinking I don't need to share really what happened because God knows. Even this morning I found myself praying and telling Him "You know it all. So I don't need to tell anyone."

She wants to stand and scream out the injustice that was done to her. To tell of all the fear that was placed with in her. Yet she wants to hide far from everyone and never be seen.

Keeping it with in leaves a bound feeling. And God doesn't bind but brings freedom.

She was running through the woods with her cousin one day, like they often did. When she heard her cousin scream "run". Never knowing if it was part of the game they played or real danger and not wanting to fall for a prank and being laughed at later she stopped and looked around. In their semi-circle, half dozen or so, some relaxed, one putting out a cig, one with an evil grin coming near her with hands ready to grab her. Uncle shaking his head. He yells why don't you just stay home. If he really didn't want us interrupting his drug deals why didn't he just do his business farther from home. She ran but got caught in the briers. Really caught this time. Legs, arms, and face were bleeding. Her clothes were ripped. She could hear the men laughing and comparing her to a little bunny trapped in the brier patch. For some reason those words scare me most. With one foot the man stopped on the briers and they all crunched under his foot. To her he was like a giant. He picked her up. She kicked and screamed. As he carried her back to the group of men he talked softly about how he just rescued her from the briers, that he's her friend, and now she should be nice to him and be his friend. The men were cheering and laughing like the man had indeed caught a rabbit. I don't know what happened next. I don't want to know. All I hear is "Stop! Don't enter!" No one is invited into that closet. Not even myself.

So my mind drifts to another experience that I have accepted but leaves me feeling numb. So it's ok. What does the little girl think about this one? She wants to scream. She is afraid because this was allowed to happen. She feels all alone because others were there and watched and then just walked away leaving her alone to digest what happened. She sees with in their face the guilt and compassion. Why afterwords? Why not before and do something to save her. She still feels the cold damp ground and the crunchy leaves and twigs scratching and poking at her.

What do I do with that??? Just stuff it back in the closet. Replace all the feelings with numbness and pretend everything is really ok. Maybe it didn't even happen. Maybe it's just my imagination. That leaves a person feeling weird and confused.

If that's not enough the picture of the mans face in his underwater grave keeps haunting me. It's been since the canoe trip in August. I think I need to go back to the counselor to work these things out. But I know what will happen. She'll plop down in her comfy chair and look at me and say something like, so what's up...what do you want to talk about. Nothing. I don't want to talk about anything. If I open my mouth I may scream. She'll make me go past that do not enter sign. Just standing at that sign makes me cry. Going past it may make me sob. Who really wants to be in that situation?

But, they could NOT touch our soul.
We hid within ourselves during and even after.

It was a NATURAL defense mechanism.

To post or not to post. If I don't I feel I've let her down and forced her to hide with the past. If I do post I'll be sick and shake for hours wondering if I shared way to much. Will people think I make this stuff up? I'm not here trying to save them. So if they do they do. I'm here for that little girl. Since no one else was. And yes that makes me bitter. How many turned their backs, kept the secrets, pretended nothing happened, saw the bruises and did nothing, blamed her, used it to instill fear in her so to get what they wanted. Will she ever heal from this. I don't know. Only through Christ. Will I step out of the way and allow her to heal? Perhaps that would require stepping past the Do Not Enter sign and even sitting in a counselors office so to put voice to what was done. I need to believe in her and stop doubting. Believing hurts. I'm so glad God has me in all this. The root needs pulled. And the root lies with in what I wont allow myself to accept. If I do I'll scream. I'll hate. I'll cry. I feel numb. Like I just walked away from a funeral.

[Tam]

She'll make me go past that do not enter sign. Just standing at that sign makes me cry. Going past it may make me sob. Who really wants to be in that situation?

Pine sis...you know what I am going to say but Tears are healing sis You have got to stop being so tough and let go and let God. I know that you are trying but you get to that point and you stop. You know what point I am talking about. I dare you to push past that point. Once you push past that point and see that you are ok.....you can push a little further.

Will I step out of the way and allow her to heal? Perhaps that would require stepping past the Do Not Enter sign and even sitting in a counselors office so to put voice to what was done. I need to believe in her and stop doubting. Believing hurts.

Pine you answer these questions sis. WILL is the magic word here I think. Yes believing hurts it hurts bad. But I have a question for you....
Are you willing to hurt one more time? Willing to let God go beyond the Do Not Enter sign?

Pine I really do believe in you but more than that I believe in the God in you! I know that with HIM you can get past all this crud. You can not do it alone.

You gotta find you and love the you that is in there sis!

Love ya!

[deetu]

Oh, what Tammy said...
I know you feel like it's never going to end but like I said before, God brings things out a little at a time so you can get rid of it in order to heal.
My Pastor said it once... God is one step farther then our comfort zone.

Always remember to ask Holy Spirit to help. Ask for the memory to be bound so it doesn't hurt to remember but be viewed like a movie. Break the ties and curses when you need.
And don't worry what others think but write what God wants you to.

We are here for you. We won't leave you...and don't judge you

[Dora]

Thank you both.

I went to the cross with my alabaster box and walked past the do not enter sign with the Lord. All along the way asking Him questions. And He responded. They didn't touch my spirit. All is well. Just a bit numb. But He always takes care of His. And I am His.

Honestly I feel very dirty and trashed. But He says I'm Holy cause He is Holy. Purified through His will. His choice. Cause He loves me. He is with me always. And won't ever leave me alone in this or anything else. Cause God is good like that.

While there I asked to go into the other areas of darkness. It's not time. But I know what happened for the most part and it doesn't matter. When He wants to reveal who and how then it shall be. But right now I must get past this one. I don't think we ever get over it....just past it. So we can live with out the huge emotions and triggers. I don't know. Time will tell. The root is coming out.

[deetu]

Little by little...
Ever try to pull a big root out all at once, really hard? A lot of little roots are left behind. But taking your time, digging all around and you get all the pieces...
Patience and trust....and that is what you are doing