Wanting to Forgive

[wonder777]

As a young child, I was molested and raped by my stepfather. He molested my older brother and sister and my two younger sisters (who were his by my mom). On top of that, I am autistic, making me a more open target. After being in foster care and at 13 I came back to my family. He raped me twice after that. He didn't care if anyone else was present, and he had a tongue that spewed filth even if children were present. After he stopped, the mind games began. He was asking me if I was dating, even asking me how many boys I slept with at a multi-church overnight event at a skating rink. I wanted to strangle him right there. In front of the church where I attended youth group. I started to lash out at him and at 17, on the verge of suicide and/or madness. I finally at that age told my mom what had happened. It hurt me so much. Then came the emotions that almost overwhelmed me. He died in 1999 from seizures resulting from him quitting drinking (alcoholism) despite medication. By this point had tried to kill him at least twice and got a old friend from elementary school to cast a spell on him. Despite me being a Christian, I didn't care. I was angry. Since then I've confessed and have been forgiven by God for that. Now at 37 for the last year, God has been dealing with me about forgiving my stepfather. I have told Him I want to, I just need to know what to do. At times it feels like he's controlling me from the grave.

[dema]

Forgiveness only affects you. It doesn't affect your father If he is in hell, and you forgive him, he stays in hell. If he repented in his last moments and went to heaven, and you forgive him, he stays there. Forgiveness is about you giving to God what was God's all along. Forgiveness is about letting it go. Letting go. Being free.

In order to forgive, you have to deal with the problem. Your father committed awful sins against you. A part of you, a child part, may have not grown up because of it. It is important that you let that child part of you grieve. It is important to grieve, and be angry - but after a few months of grieving and a few months of being angry, it is time to go to Jesus and let it go. Just let Jesus take it away. You don't want it. You don't want to keep the pain or to keep the anger or to continue to live in that place. When you don't forgive you forever return to that place. You live there for countless hours and days and weeks - you really need to leave it behind.

If you haven't grieved, then you might need counseling to help you to grieve. Because that is a part of it. I know you were angry. You talked about the anger.

Another thing that can be hard is the fact that you found ugly parts of yourself when you were abused. You are forgiven. You need to forgive you too. Let it go. It is God's job to judge you - not you. And God has chosen to forgive you. Believe in that.

How do you forgive? You decide. That's it.

The bad feelings will come back - you tell them to go away. That you have let them go and they aren't yours anymore. If something triggers you and hurts you - then you acknowledge it. You give yourself a couple of days to be sad and a couple of days to be mad and then you let it go again. You give it to Jesus again. As time goes on, you only give yourself hours - not days. But for now, you let it go. And you make a list of other things to think about when the thoughts come back. Good Bible verses, things you like, music.... make a list and be ready. Because you will have to tell the thoughts to go away and you will need something to fill your mind after you tell them to go away. At first you may feel inadequate. You don't need to be adequate. You need to keep on keeping on and know that it is Christ who is more than sufficent.

Hugs.