the temple

[stillstanding]

I am an addict. yep. weird. how does food become a person's heroine? but I will 'stand' right here and tell you all the truth: if i put one morsel of food in my mouth i cannot stop. it doesnt matter how 'full' i get. somewhere in my feeble brain something says "well, there ya go. you ate something. you might as well just eat as much as ya want now. you're gonna hafta puke it up anyways". what kinda sick twisted nonsense is that?
yesterday was scary and wonderful. i started to get hungry at 9:30. but i was scared to eat. another issue that comes with my addiction is that once i have messed up for the day by eating, then the whole day is ruined and i will repeat the cycle as many times during the day that i get hungry. so eating at 9:30 in the morning is bad. so i started talking to God about being hungry and scared. i'm at oasis because it's time to move on and moving on means dumping the trash in my life that's keeping me from growing up in God and becoming a functioning part of the body.

so i'm talking to Him...Father what can i eat? show me what to eat...and i just got busy doing something else and not thinking about food for about an hour. then i started to feel hungry again. same thing. started talkin to Father about it. lookin at the food available and telling Him i'm scared. and i got distracted again.

then my hubby got up and was in a foul mood. he started trying to pick a fight. when he's grumpy he tries to put it on me and make me grumpy so we end up fighting. "i'm in a bad mood so now you're gonna be all pissed off at me?" and if it's me that's grouchy then he gets in a bad mood. ugh. i am working so hard at not being angry. it's another thing that God and i are working through. so i'm really trying to keep my cool while my hubby keeps at me trying to pick a fight. and after a bit i just start to lose it. i told him "you're being a **** and i havent done anything to you so you just need to leave me alone"' and i stormed off to the bathroom and locked the door. i started to cry, but then...something else different about what i usually do at this point....i started talking to Father about it instead of crying about how this is not fair and i don't wanta do this anymore and thinking about the next chance when i could pack up and leave when he is at work or whatever. instead i'm talkin to God about it "this is not what you want. i'm supposed to be controlling my mind. help me control my thoughts. help me figure out what to do next..." 10 minutes or so.

then hubby comes and knocks on the door. i didnt answer. knocks again. i said "yeah?" he says (and this is crazy) "you're right. i'm being a **** you didnt do anything and i shouldnt be taking it out on you and i'm sorry". holy buckets! are you kidding me??? when we get in a fight we don't talk for 3 days and he is saying sorry after 10 minutes? God is Great! i prayed and He answered! just like that! \o/ hallelujah! wow...so of course i opened the door and apologized also and blahblahblah everything was good and we talked a while:D and he went to work at 1:30 and i hadnt thought about eating since several hours before. not the kind of distraction i'd pray for but a distraction anyways.

so then i was really hungry. my youngest child was hungry too and he was gonna need to have a nap soon. so i'm talking with God about what i could eat while i'm making lil bit his lunch...he wanted PBJ and that is def a trigger food so i'm concentrating on what i could eat and not thinking about what i'm making for him. so i look in the freezer and i have a bag of mixed veggies...corn,carrots,peas,green beans...which i love. so i put them on to cook. and forgot about em while lil bit was eating and i put him down for nap. went about 2:15 to get them outta the nuker and they were still cold. came back to oasis and lookin at praise vids. remembered the veggies about 2:50. got them out and they were so yummy.

then started to get hungry again about 4:15. started talkin to God about it again. why does this happen? why do i feel hungry so soon after i ate? what is that about? i felt like a kinda peace about it. and got another bowl of veggies. ate em about 4:45. and that was it. i didnt feel hungry any more. i made the kids dinner but i didnt eat any because i wasn't hungry.

i have terrible GERD and a hiatal hernia from the bulimia all these years. i cannot go to bed with anything in my tummy. i should not ever eat any food after 5pm. if i do i will wake up in the night choking on stomach acid. when this happens it makes the sores in my esophagus worse and it hurts so bad.

but wednesdays are busy. #3 (Mi) has youth group and #4 (Bec) has bball practice and both are at 7. so dinner has to be ready by 530. after i run Mi and Bec where they need to go then i hafta get #5 (Sean) and #6 (Aaron) home and ready for bed because i hafta leave to pick Bec up by 7:50 to be at the church by 8. then i gotta run her back home so she can get ready for bed.then i hafta gather Sean and Aaron and leave by 8:50 to pick up Mi at church by 9. whew. so no time to think about myself and eating. but then the late evenings are hard too.

the middle kids are usually in bed at 830. of course wednesdays are different. so after the wednesday chaos they are in bed about 9:20. the little one doesnt go to bed til 10 because 1) he and Sean share a room and they will lay there and goof off til 11 if Sean isnt asleep before Aaron goes to bed and 2) Aaron is a 35 pound ball of nonstop go juice that doesnt start to lose power until 9:30 on normal days and his fuel is increased by the energy of others. then i start to feel hungry. but last night i was in O chat and forgot about it and went to bed after sharing a few praise vids with some friends... :D yay!

[xxJILLxx]

I just have to says wow and thank u Jesus! What a wonderful and uplifting testimony. Love the way He works.

Keep seeking Him in the midst of the tests and temptations. It realy does work

Jesus has real solutions!

God bless n keep ya sis
♥Jill

[stillstanding]

Amen! He's doing something awesome in me :D