depression and addiction

[mcfrissa]

I am addicted to over the counter medication, I've also been suffering from depression for about 3 years, I've been attending NA meetings for about 2 years. I've had less than 9 months of sobriety about 3 different times, but now, I just don't seem to be able to stop using period. My addiction I feel is more physical than anything else. I don't use because of difficult times in my life, or emotional upheavals.I believe my depression plays a large part in my addiction. through my depression I've become emotionally and spiritually numb, I don't feel anything. I'm tired all the time, and have no ambition to do anything. and my relationship with Jesus Christ has suffered as well, I don't feel his peace or joy in my life anymore, so working at sobriety and working at my steps is like eating cardboard, anything in my life is like eating cardboard.
All I ever feel is fear, emptiness, and immense shame due to sin and defeat in my life. I know where I am,and I hate where I am, and what I've become, I know where I want to be, and I may even know how to get there, but every time I think I'm going to actually take that first step of faith, I panic, and I can't move, I just feel stuck, and I don't know how much longer God can find patience with me. I am desperate for his touch in my life again, I just can't seem to do what I need to do on my end,and there are other issues that are just too scary to talk about to anyone, let alone admit to myself, I have a sponsor in NA, and she's absolutely fantastic, but I can't even really talk to her. and I feel horrible about it. I think I've rambled on enough, thanks for letting me vent!
mcfrissa

[Guest]

Someone told me the other night that God is patient. That He never closes His arms toward you. Please remember that as you struggle and fall. You apparently want to change or you wouldn't be here cuz after being in AA you prob know that admitting you have a problem is the first step to solving the issue.

Just so you know, I am not a mod or anyone with experience of overcoming a lot of things. I am just talking to you from the same level. But I want you to know that I know what depression feels like and you are not alone. I am a fighter and you are too or you wouldn't be here. You are strong. Maybe you should look inside you and try to find out what is making you depressed. When you know what's causing those emotions, then you can work on those things.

If you ask me, addiction is just an outward way of dealing with things. Its only the surface. In order to change the surface completely, you have to look at your insides. Am I making sense? Like ask yourself, "Why am I feeling depressed right now? What am I thinking in my head? How long have I been feeling this way?" I don't know....

Im on the process to healing as many of us on this site are still growing. We are here to encourage you and if you ever need someone to talk to, we are here. We care and understand.

Sorry if this didn't help...

[mlg]

Hello McFrissa I wanted to offer you a link to the counseling program we have here at the Oasis. http://www.christianityoasis.com/CCCC/Forum.htm

There is help in these steps...and many who will encourage you. Praying for you.

God Bless

[vahn]

Hello Mcfrissa

Welcome aboard the Oasis , glad you heard His Guidance and came here . Nothing , absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake .

I am a recovering addict/alcoholic , and I say that just so that when I say I know how it feels , you also would know what I am talking about .

First and foremost , let me get this out of the way ... ADDICTION IS NOT A FAULT , especially when it comes to chemical addiction , it is simply an allergy of the body - the more you take the more you want , end of subject ! - It is not an issue of "not doing" drugs that's at hand here , it is not taking the FIRST one , see , I don't take the first one , I don't have to worry about the next but ... What is it that leads us to take the first one to begin with ? Well that is EXACTLY where the problem lies , and I couldn't put any length of abstinence until I found out the reason of resorting to that FIRST .

As in your case , you mentioned it has nothing to do with any "hard times" so to speak , but nevertheless that SOME-THING does indeed exist .
When I got to taking a look at at my case , I found out that my "suffering" was of spiritual nature , I was spiritually hungry , and drugs and alcohol filled that void - for a while - but no sooner than the effect wore off , I was back at square one all over again , I was restless , irritable and discontent at ALL TIMES , and unless I took a drink or a drug I was to go insane and THAT , my dear friend is what led to depression . So , you see , its a vicious cycle .
How about we try to fill that void with The Spirit first and then see what happens , but before we do that we have to get rid of the clutter that is blocking the Sunlight of The Spirit first , and the way we do that is taking the Steps and applying them to our daily life beginning from today on .
The link MLG posted is a great place to start , it is very similar to our 12 steps only better , for it deals with the spiritual aspect only , and that , with conjunction of sponsorship (proper sponsorship that is) and frequent fellowship with our own "kind" , is where I found out about the Grace of our All Loving God by which I have been clean and sober for the past 11 yrs this month .

May God Bless you and Keep you , until then .



In Christ , our Lord
vahn

[mcfrissa]

you said some things totally "spot on", as we say in NA, "one is too many,and 1,000 is never enough", and the key to recovery is to not take that first drug, otherwise we release our addiction all over again. I think the reason I'm having such trouble acquiring any real clean time, and working through my steps, is I don't have an active relationship with my
higher power, Jesus Christ at the moment, and until that relationship is restored, I don't think anything else will fall into place. "seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his rightousness, and all these things shall be added unto you" often comes to mind. Sometimes I feel like I've come to the point that I'm going to conquer this addiction, but then I panic and I pick up and use again, somehow I've got to learn to let go, and allow God to take over. I always ask myself, "is it going to kill me if I don't use today?" and of course the answer is no, but it just doesn't seem that easy when I actually get there. thanx for the encouraging words!
mcfrissa

"That he would grant you according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his holy spirit in the inner man"
Ephesians 3:16

[mcfrissa]

You said a lot of good things, I can say that I've certainly come a ways from even a year ago. I finally was able to pinpoint some things that were going on in my life, and I was excited to have some sort of explanation, but then I quickly became discouraged wondering how on earth I was going to manage all of it part of it is the depression, I'm tired, and fatigued all the time, and have no ambition to do much of anything, even the smallest things are overwhelming, some days I feel like I'm drowning.
I have been able to journal more lately, especially though, I've been writing my prayers to God inmy journal, and the words just seem to flow more than when I pray to myself. and I've admitted honestly to God that I cannot do this alone, I think I've been trying to do it on my own, my next step, as I read over and over in NA, is truly believing that a power greater than myself (Jesus Christ) can restore me to sanity. I know a major issue iin my depression, is that I've become emotionally and spiritually numb, and I no longer feel God's peace, joy, or happiness in my life anymore, I've been a christian most of my life, and once you've experienced God's peace in your life, it leaves a huge void in your spirit once you lose it. My prayer is that God restores the presence of his holy spirit in my life once again. I don't think I can really move out of this darkness until that happens. I appreciate your encouraging words!
mcfrissa

"The spirit also helps our infirmities, for we know not what we should pray for as we ought, but the spirit itself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered, he that searches the hearts knows what is the mind of the spirit, because he makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God."
Romans 8:26-27

[realtmg]

Quick note as I am tired.
Progress rather than perfection!
Easy Does It.
Keep It Simple.
Be Grateful.
One Day, Hour At a Time.
PS. You are doing what it takes as i see you sharing when something comes to mind.
Hats off to you.

Luv ya

Real

[mcfrissa]

thanx so much, nighty night!

[realtmg]

Good Night. God gave me an opportunity to get out of bed to say a few simple things to you.
It DOES get better if you work at it!
God can and will do for us what we can't do for ourselves.
Only He and you can do this.
And............. It's not an easy thing to do.
You REALly got to want to 27/7.
See ya soon
Luv ya.

Real

[mcfrissa]

thanx so much for that! I keep a notebook and pen next to my bed, sometimes I get a word or a thought in the middle of the night and i have to write it down so I don't forget. it's definetely not easy, what I need to learn, and believe, is that while it may not be easy, it's not impossible, because all things are possible with God.

[realtmg]

Amen.
It is worth it!
Peace and contentment is so much better than craving and guilt.
GBU

Real