Mercy7's story

[Christianity Oasis]

No responses to this soul who shared their heart, as of yet?

Perhaps we can share thoughts about WHY souls make the choices they (we) do after past trauma, in particular as a child?

From being told they (we) are unworthy, unattractive, etc. to sexual abuse and how it plays a part in sexual addiction later in life.

Luv ya's

[xxJILLxx]

Sorry for my absense, I , like many here have a hard time dealing with issues of my past and havent fully dealt with them inside me yet, let alone be able to help others here who have similar stories.

I thought I had, but obviously i hadnt and it sent me spiriling down hill.

I can see the effects of sexual abuse and how after the trauma i reacted.

The same person who abused me sexually and who found me to tolerable was the same person who also called me names and degraded me.

And then when the abuse stopped, i was confused, what did i do wrong? Now im not good enuff to even be abused. And heres the kicker being told daily it never happened I have an overactive imagination, i must of dreamed it up. Soon began to believe that and seeds of doubt in myself began. Nothing i said means anything now obviously becasue i felt i didnt know what i was tlaking about in the first place and i ought to be ashamed of myself for thinking such things such lies. Oh the effects abuse has on sexual addictions.

So here i was now a teen... wanting to fit in... well i was only tolerated when i was of worth something.. i was only of worth something (in my mind) when i was wanted to be around.. i was only wanted to be around when i was doing something. when i was doing something i felt wanted, needed, loved... and yes accepted.

These bad seed was planted at an early age. Wanting to fit in with the older guys, wanting to be loved. I still struggle with this alot!

Im not healed yet, but i know its coming soon.

I still find myself saying "did this realy happen and i find myself not wanting to find out, not wanting to open that door that had been so securedly locked." I lie to myself and say its no big deal, ya no big deal at all... Then if it werent such a big deal why do i have problems talking about it?

Embarassed? Ashamed? and then on top of all the shame add guilt to the list... guilt of well abuse is not an excuse so i must of done something wrong again... goes back to shame.. goes back to i dont deserve to be free from this becaseu i added my own sins on top of it. I contributed to it, i ddint have to act out and have sex with this man or that man, so i got what i deserved... isnt that what the abuser told me in the first place? I deserved it? If he didnt say that, thats at elast the way i felt. who knows i cant even remember all of it. Scared to go there.

Dont know if this is any help to anyone but man it feels good to get off my chest.

So low self esteem, self doubt, searching for love and acceptance in wrong ways all stemmed from the abuse. Thus is my currupted mind thought that i had things under control and knew how to be loved.

again my apologies for being away not sure if i am returning or not im taking it day by day but i was led to post this here and am being obedient to His voice.

Gbu all
♥Jill