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Okay so I started the Christian counseling yesterday and here are my thoughts from yesterday:

Hello,
This email is probably going to be pretty long. I like to think and ponder things so I seem to do a lot of thinking.
I have grown up in a Christian home. I am very blessed that God gave me Christian parents and a younger sister who has been saved by Christ as well.

So to start my story...
When I was a child I didn't have many troubles. I asked the Lord into my heart when I was I think 4 years old and again around 6 or 7.
It seemed like after a while, around 10 perhaps I started to develop OCD symptoms. Worrying about touching something dirty, washing my hands alot.
As I started to get older I never thought much of what it meant to be a Christian. I didn't really "see" what it meant or I believe I never really understood.
Yes, I talked to God, but perhaps He was like a genie to me or a friend, but never who He really is.

We moved when I was 12 years old out of state.
Around 13 years old I started to question my faith. This I am thankful for this or to this day I might just be walking around blindly oblivious to whether I truly know Him or not.

At 14 years old I again asked Him into my heart with perhaps a little more understanding what salvation means.

I thought there had been a change but my emotions were soaring at that time because I liked a boy at my church back then.
We left that church and went somewhere else, I don't exactly remember when it was exactly but, I do know around 15 years old I was terrible. I was so angry. I was mean to my parents.
Looking back I feel really bad.

Then around 16 we moved again. This time in the same state.

So what is truly bothering me and hurting me is this:

When I was fourteen I thought I knew God but then I keep falling back and forth and back and forth.

I'm pretty convinced I'm not.
Why? I need CHANGE in my life!
I have been very distressed over this for the past couple years.

Let me explain:
I have heard the gospel MANY MANY MANY times.
But what is so distressing to me is my heart seems to be like A STONE or A FIST inside.
Like I do not want to repent or surrender. So I may say to myself, " I must TRY harder to repent. I need to have a desire to surrender. "

I feel like I'm blocked. Like there is nothing in me that wants to repent or surrender to God.
Like a war is raging inside my soul, no matter how many times I desperately ask God to take it away. It is SO deep.

I need help. I know only God has the power to save and help me. I need Him, but I'm resisting Him.
What should I do?

Is it impossible for me to be saved if I can't DESIRE what I need to?

I think your response is normal. Paul had the same attitude in Romans 7:15. He struggled between Law and Spirituality.
I think the main thing you should concern yourself is with LOVE.
Read Galatians 5:14 and you will see that if you love your neighbor as yourself, then you are upholding all the law
1 Peter 4:8

I think something hurts inside. Maybe you are mad at your parents because you felt left out in school because of moving so much. Why did they move so much? Was it stressful for them? Did they kinda shut you out because of all the stress involved with changing their lives over and over? Did you feel alone? Did you pray for things you didn't get - things you didn't understand?

I think a lot of times confusion or other things separate us from God. Wondering how in the world God can allow things to happen a certain way. Why doesn't he just send an angel with a big sword and chop off some heads. . Jesus spoke in parables about that - about how if he pulled up the tares that it would destroy some wheat. From my perspective I wonder.

But God is God. And yet, our human hearts with our human perspective need to trust in this being who does such unexplainable things.

Our journey does tend to lead us closer and further. Keep coming back. As people, we don't maintain an intensity. Instead we go back and forth. This is true of just about everything in life. Too much, too little, too much, too little. Too conservative, too liberal.... (I don't know if you can have too much God, but I think you can understand what I mean.)

So, lighten up on yourself. The self-condemnation keeps you away from God. That isn't what you want. Even if you are a creepy crawly (which you aren't) God loves you and sent his son to die for your sins. You are forgiven. So, you are allowed to be a butterfly. Right now. And over and over and over again. Seventy times seven times a day. Or more. Anyway - you are loved. God loves you. The second commandment is to love your neighbor as yourself. That means you are commanded to love..... YOU!