Christianity Oasis Member Forum & Chat Room

Dear Journal,

Let me introduce myself. I am Jaye, and am married to a Muslim man who I love with everything. I'm starting this 14 day journey because of my marriage. I am honestly going insane. I need therapy--badly. My heart is in pieces because I can't trust my husband. We met online and yes, did the deed. I wound up pregnant and we got married but I lost the baby.

The marriage has been rocky from the start. I even left him once--he kept saying that he wanted to go back home to Jordan, didn't see me as his wife, and wwe weren't intimate. In fact, my birthday, which was November 4th, we had just consummated our marriage--but had been married since May. My leaving him--breaking that vow hurt him deeply just like his words hurt me.

Truthfully, I don't want to love him anymore. I don't want to need him. I want my heart back.

He made my birthday so special. I could see the love in his eyes. Then the next week, he completely shut me out. Said he started a new job. His shift: 9 am to 1 am or whenever he comes home. Yeah, not a normal shift. And he refuses to talk about his job. He takes his phone into the bathroom with him, changed the password on his computer after telling me I can have his computer. One day, he's all like here's my phone you can play with it and the next he is super defensive and screaming, "don't touch my stuff!"

He doesn't hit me, doesn't call me names, doesn't do anything abusive. It's like I'm living with two different people--one who loves me and one who hates me. I honestly don't know what to do. I've gotten so consumed by him. I've been through his phone and found out he was on a speed dating site. I also got wind of his plenty of fish profile and it said he was looking pretty much for a handshake at starbucks and maybe a date later but no commitment. I was so hurt but he explained that he was using it for friends. He's since deleted it.

So yeah, I want out of this marriage but at the same time I don't. I want to be happy--with him. I want my husband to trust me. He doesn't trust me and how can he? I don't trust him.

Our rent is past due and he acts like he doesn't care about paying it. We both work--but honestly, I don't know what he does. He won't tell me about his job and shuts down when I tell him that I don't like him working too hard at these hours. Deep down I am really wondering if he has another life--another family outside of us. It's like he doesn't want to be home with his wife.

I know I can't change him and that the one I need to focus on is me but how do I deal with these emotions? This is killing me. I'm lonely and miserable. I should have a husband who wants to spend time with his wife, one who will text or call me back and won't get mad at me if I ask him how he's doing. Yeah, he accuses me of "wanting a report"

I am in a city where I don't know anyone, have no family except him, and I am terrified that he is planning on leaving me--just disappearing like I did to him. Rent is due--and he could easily just come home and say, "I'm gone," and leave me stranded. I have no car.

I do have this gameplan though.

I am going to start each day with this journal. I do have a job and am going to write down things I am grateful for. I'm going to work out--crunches, squats stuff like that--got to stay fit and take care of myself. I've got to establish some kind of routine. I am also going to continue to meditate, read the Bible and each day, try to shift my focus from my husband to myself. To healing and bettering myself.

Things I'm grateful for:

a roof over my head
my job
Joanna--my friend in Baton Rouge who has told me her door is open if he does decide to just leave me hanging.
internet.
my computer
food we have
my love for my husband
my safety
the clothes I have
all my basic needs being met.

I think you know what you should do. The Bible even says that if you are married to an unbeliever, that you are free to leave. Please read the study on this site on Divorce. It talks about "Whom God has joined together" and, I think you truly know, you are not joined.

I know of a woman, and heard of many more, who when they did have a child, the husband just left and went to Jordan with the child. They made a movie about one of them. So, you are risking a far bigger hurt.

He doesn't love you. He probably never did. He decided to give you a good birthday - which ultimately wasn't kind. He is dating others, running around on you, making it pretty clear. He isn't taking care of you physically - maybe because he is spending lots of money on other women. You cannot date in this country without spending money.

You know what the truth is.

You are hurting yourself, and not helping him.

I think you should get money from your husband to go to Joanna and set up a new life. If you tell your husband that you will go to an attorney if he is uncooperative and the attorney will get you a garnishment from your husband's wages if he makes more than you - this is true - them perhaps your husband will find the money to give you to leave. And to pay for a divorce. Do you work? You don't mention work.

I think it is time to think practically. And I think maybe part of the issue is the concept of not having to think practically. As long as you are mourning him, that can consume your time. And you don't have to think about running your own life - because he is keeping you housed and clothed and fed. And you don't have to do that for yourself. And that is scary.

Hugs. God bless you. And God will give you strength. As you trust in him.

LadyJaye,

What you have is not a marriage and you are in a mess. You cannot change this man, or make him love and respect you. In his heart he is not married, nor does he know what love is, let alone marriage. First and foremost, you need to concern yourself with your personal relationship with the Lord, as your personal spiritual growth and health is priority. Secondly, if you stay with him, that is your choice. But I would suggest you be 'prepared'. This man's faith is antichrist, and he is emotionally immature, and not committed to the marriage. "Prepare" yourself for the future. Examples: save money, better your education, better paying job, buy a car, do all you can to make yourself able to live independently because I suspect that is where it is headed. May the Lord give you wisdom and guide you.

God knows you are suffering better than any person and as your Father, He doesn't leave you alone. You may feel loneliness and can't feel His presence right now but you need to trust Him, because He is in control of everything and He will bless you throught all the difficulties. "all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28).
He promises that He will be with you and will give strenght that you need . He wants you to realize that no problem or difficulty is greater than Him, so shift the focus of you or your husband to Jesus and one by one He will change your life.
"Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 38)