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[jessicarose6]

Healing Path - Day 1 of 14

Journal 09/26

This is me beginning my healing journey. It's day one of the 14 day journey. I have been lost for so long. Today I was looking for new music and I stumbling upon Christian music and it really resonated with me, it got to me. So I went searching for solace, for a sign, for help. And that's what led me to this program.

I grew up in a Catholic family and I went to Catholic schools until I switched to the public school, practically begging my mom to let me. My family really only went to church on holidays, or whenever I was receiving a sacrament. Through the years, I never really minded about growing up in the church. They were teaching me about Jesus and God, so I just believed. I just thought that going to church and believing in God was normal, that everyone did it. When I switched schools, I was dropped in an alternate universe. I had never seen children so angry, so naughty, so different. I was fascinated, and I instantly fell in with the wrong kids. I still went to CCD, weekly religious classes, however I felt like I didn't fit in. The kids in my class made fun of me, and i began to hate going. But thankfully my family switched parishes, so I had a different class and those kids were nice and fun. I felt like I was in the right place. I remember my teacher saying that I had such unique and spiritual answers to her questions. She said she could see my spiritual relationship with God and that I should cherish it. For years, almost all the kids hated going to CCD, but when it came time to get confirmed, it was solely up to us, not our parents. And I chose to be confirmed. I liked the relationship I had with God. I liked doing community projects with the youth group, I liked singing in the choir.

But after I got confirmed, everything just fell away. I couldn't be in the youth group anymore, and my family still never went to church. So God went to my backburner, and slowly God wasn't there at all. I had completely lost my relationship with God. I got caught up in college and friends and my family. And now I'm just lost. I like how in Day 1 they talk about being a child and having faith no matter what. I miss that- I miss being a kid and just believing. Over the years where I lost God, there came doubts. I had so many doubts, and I still kind of do. I don't choose to doubt, but after going through everything I have, and listening to others' opinions about God, I have many questions and doubts.

There was 6 months of my life where I hit rock bottom. It started 6 months exactly a year ago and I am still trying to heal, and move on. I spiraled very quickly, partying every night, hanging out with horrible people, lying, cheating, stealing, and most of all I hurt all of the people that I love... Looking back, I really don't know what I was thinking. It was a time where I didn't care about anything. I dropped out of college because I hated going, I didn't have a job. I sat at home eating Ramen noodles and watching Grey's Anatomy everyday. There was a boy. We had a very dysfunctional relationship, and before I realized it was too late, I fell in love with him. I knew he was not a good person. I knew he was bad, but I had those thoughts in my head that I could fix him. When I found out he was dating another girl behind my back, I completely fell apart, drinking and cutting myself because I was so hurt. I wanted to die. I spent my days crying every time I got the chance to be alone. He broke me. I never thought that I would get past being that broken, but I'm proud to say I am so much stronger now. I have been trying to fix my life ever since. But the damage that was done during those 6 months still haunts me. My friends remind me, my parents remind me of my mistakes. And that's why it's still so hard for me to stay strong and move on. How am I supposed to move on when no one else will let me? They just want me to feel bad for the rest of my life.

It's so hard because I feel so guilty all the time and I still feel broken at times, and I just feel worthless all the time. I'm at a point where I feel stuck. I can't move forward but I won't go back. I want God back in my life so bad. So I know that there is at least one person out there for me. I want faith, trust, belief, and God. I am much stronger than I was a year ago, but I'm not strong enough to move on without God's help...

I really like this journal because letting all that out makes me feel better. I haven't talked about it in a long time, and I feel lighter. It may be hard for me to to talk about it, but it's better than keeping it bottled up. I just don't like that I have no one in my life to talk to about this. No one will ever understand what I went through, what I am going through now, and how I feel.
Have you ever tried to explain to someone why you're sad? It's near impossible and frustrating. My best friend cannot understand my depression and it's frustrating for me, because I feel like I have to defend myself. I wish she would just research depression and figure out the right things to say to me, besides " get over it".

I'm sorry my journal is so long! I'm a writer, and I just let all my feelings out in my writing. If you actually read all of this, bless your heart.

I am glad to be on the healing path, and I hope to find Christian friends to talk to.
- Jessica

[jessicarose6]

Healing Path- Stepping Stone #2

This one really made me think. I understand that you have to pull the weeds out of your mind, but I don't really understand how you would plant seeds to make sure the weeds don't come back. I'm thinking it's just putting the word of God into our mind is the seeds. That's how I see it.
I went to the page about renewing our minds and I really enjoyed reading that because it really got to me. That is exactly what I'm trying to do- renew my mind and become my old self with a great relationship with God. I do truly believe that in a world like today we are living for "the requirements of the world, instead of serving God." That is absolutely true! We go to school, go to college, get a job and so on. We are adjusting to how life should be based on what HUMANS have created, a corrupt and destructive democracy (but I won't get into that).
It' says ponder the truth that the world and satan has planted seeds in our minds that we don't want (weeds). I agree with this 100%. Because everyone has an opinion on what's right and what's wrong. What you should be doing and what you're doing wrong. So these are the rules in our minds that we follow, because it's a "normal way of being" today. This is very hard for me to understand, much less try and explain. But I really do think I'm following.
Weeding our gardens is one of the very first steps and I think that's a really good step. I am so glad that they brought up the fact that sometimes weeds can be "outside influences", because it's completely true that the THINGS and the PEOPLE we surround ourselves with will have some sort of effect on us.
For instance, in my case, whenever my parents say I'm not doing something right, or I'm not trying hard enough, I believe them. Or when I've made a mistake and they say all these hurtful things- that make me feel worthless, broken, damaged. Those are just some of the weeds in my garden. And I am going to try so hard to weed them out and keep them out!
In this case, the old poem comes in handy, " im rubber, you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you."

It says to begin surrounding ourselves with reminders of our purpose. But are we all supposed to know what our purpose is? I can honestly say I have no idea what my purpose is, or where I'm going in life. I know that I have a fierce passion for writing and I want to write something so meaningful, so beautiful that will actually reach people on a spiritual level. I want to help people, in any way that I can. I want to change the world one person at a time. Those are some pretty big dreams, right? But that's good. I know I have a path and I know that I will get where I need to be, and that I just have to be patient. It may be hard right now, but I know that if I have FAITH and just BELIEVE, it will fall into place.

There's a saying that I really love. " If your dreams don't scare you, then they aren't big enough." It has so much meaning and it really makes me excited for the future. Everyone should be excited for the future. I have started the Miracle Grow Project and I'm excited about that as well. Like they said, you can't just pull weeds once, you have to plant seeds too. So I'm very excited to do these charts and make more time to serve God and not the World.
Until tomorrow,
Jessica

[realtmg]

Hello,
I am glad you are doing these steps.
I enjoy reading people who grow doing these steps.
May healing come your way!

GBU

Real

[jessicarose6]

Journal for Stepping Stone 4.

I did learn about God's Grace yesterday, that was a tough one for me. Learning to forgive myself is going to be a challenge. This whole year all I've ever felt was guilt. I feel awful all the time, for all the things I've done, and because I really don't think that the people around me have forgiven me. So like it says for stepping stone 4, if someone isn't forgiven for something they are sorry for, they end up feeling horrible.

Learning to forgive others was interesting. I didn't think there would be that much to forgiving someone. I like that the bible says that you should forgive people the way you want to be forgiven. That really puts things into perspective for me. I don't normally have a problem forgiving people. Most of the time it's just little things that shouldn't change things.

There is one person who I have just HATED. And this whole time I couldn't even think of forgiving him for what he did to me. For how he treated me. I noticed that in stepping stone 4, they keep saying that you really should forgive someone who feels sorry. But what if they aren't sorry? What if they really don't care about what they did? Do they still deserve to be forgiven? It said something about if they person refuses to repent, they they are a heathen or something. I'm kind of confused by that one.
It's one thing to forgive someone who is sorry, but it's a completely different challenge to forgiven someone who isn't even sorry.

But, since I am trying to forgive myself and I would like God to forgive my sins, I will try to start forgiving him. It's really hard. But I think I could eventually completely forgive him. I pity him so much. He has so many issues, and problems within himself, and in his life that he just refuses to try and fix. His life is a mess, and he chooses to treat people badly, even himself. When I think of him, I think of that saying " Hurting people hurt people." That definitely sums him up. I never really understood him or what kind of things he was going through, but I just hope that one day he will actually try and fix his life and become a good person. He could be a good person if he would just try. I also hope that God takes pity on him for everything that he has done, even if he isn't sorry for his sins. He has a list a mile long, so I will start praying for him. and writing this really helps me think differently about him. I find it easier to think about him or talk about him. I think if I pray a lot, and continue on my own path, I will forgive him. But that is going to be a process.

It's only day 4 but I feel so much closer to God. I read that when you give control to God, then good things will come. And that is what I'm doing. I'm no longer going to feel sorry for myself, or hate my life. God has a plan for me, and I'm giving him control now. My parents love to control me, but they can't control my Path.

After this, I can understand why Forgiveness would be such a big step. And I hope that taking life one day at a time, I will forgive myself and others.

God Bless,
Jessica

[LaSombra]

Hi there,
I've been reading your journal and I'm thankful that you're sharing your testimony here. You said:

'I never really understood him or what kind of things he was going through, but I just hope that one day he will actually try and fix his life and become a good person. He could be a good person if he would just try. I also hope that God takes pity on him for everything that he has done, even if he isn't sorry for his sins.'

It reminds me not just of Jesus on the cross, but of Stephen being stoned at the hands of the Sanhedrin.

Acts 7:54-60 But Stephen, full of the Holy Spirit, looked up to heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God. “Look,” he said, “I see heaven open and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God.”

At this they covered their ears and, yelling at the top of their voices, they all rushed at him, dragged him out of the city and began to stone him. Meanwhile, the witnesses laid their coats at the feet of a young man named Saul. While they were stoning him, Stephen prayed, “Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.” Then he fell on his knees and cried out, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them.” When he had said this, he fell asleep.

Stephen was in the process of being murdered and asked the Lord to forgive the people killing him for speaking the truth. The young man Saul went on to become the chief writer of the New Testament. A man who had a conversion that none of us can imagine.

You seem to have compassion and love for the person who sinned against you, love and forgiveness comes from God. Your heart's in the right place and you're on the right path.

God bless.

[jessicarose6]

I have done stepping stone 5, and I tried to make a journal entry, but the website was down for some reason.
Anyways, so stepping stone 6 was interesting.
I already read about the Miracle Grow Project from a different page, so I know what to do for that, and I'm hoping that I can start doing that every day. I know that if I want to be closer to God, I need to make time for him.
This weekend, I was very sick and I felt absolutely horrible. Thankfully, I was able to sleep it off and get better.
I'm hoping that this Miracle Grow Project will help me during these next few months.
Now that it's Fall, all the bad memories are just coming, rushing back to me like it was yesterday and it really gets to me. It feels horrible, and I'm trying to be strong and not look back, but since it's Fall, it's like everything reminds me.
The weather, the parties, my job ending. (I have a seasonal job.)
I'm really hoping that I can get a better job that I will enjoy doing. I know that if I have to resort to McDonalds, I will just hate it and that will really bring me down mentally.

I'm really thinking about my future a lot, and I can't decide if I should move almost 3 hours away to go to school where I don't know anyone. It would be a fresh start and that's all I've wanted this whole time.
But at the same time I have so many friends here, and the last time I moved away, I missed everyone so much I came home. But my friends are really bad influences on me, and we don't always agree on things. What's right and wrong. Sometimes they just get to be too much.
Another part of me is also terrified to start over. I'm not good at making new friends so I feel like no one would like me and I would hate being away at school.

I keep thinking about this because if I don't go away to school, I will most likely eventually get a place with two of my friends. Which means I would be around them and their "choices" all the time. I just don't know what would be best. I know I have to think of what's best for me, and I would go away to school in heartbeat if my best friend came with me, but she doesn't even want to go to school.
And starting over in new town where I don't know anyone really scares. After everything I've been through, I am fragile and I don't think I could handle anymore stress. And that is a LOT of new stress and changes.
I guess I'll just have to keep taking life one day at a time and hopefully my decision will make itself in time.

So that is what's on my mind tonight, that and making my Miracle Grow charts.

Hope you all have a wonderful day/night!
God Bless,
Jessica

[Jamie808]

Hi Jessica
Just wanted to stop by and say hi. I really got encouraged from hearing ur story. Don't worry. We've all had our times of falling away from God, fear and confusion but I'm sure you already know you are on the right path by following thru with ur studies and seeking Your God. I think the best thing (and maybe the worst thing - ) is that these studies introduce me to a deeper PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP with God. It's good because at the end of the day I always used to look to others for advice and direction and now I don't have to do that as much because I KNOW my God better. I still do get advice from others, but I am being drawn closer and closer to God so that I can ask and depend on Him for direction. The "bad" part of this is that it is NEW ! And at times it feels a bit lonely because God is helping me dismantle all the crutches I've used to walk with (other people's advice and opinions) and just lean on Him - not sure if that makes sense ????

I think it's common for The Lord to put a spirit of newness in us as we renew or start our relationship with Him. My wife and I are also considering moving to a new place. I trust that all things will become clear in His time.

Thanks for sharing your journey with us. The verse that came to mind when I was reading your story is II Cor 5:17
"Therefore if any man (woman) is in Christ, He is a new creation. Old things are passed away. Behold ALL THINGS are become new"

God Bless You. Enjoy your day today
Jamie

[jessicarose6]

Stepping Stone 7 was very interesting to me,and helpful. I like that they lay out the ground work for us, so we know just how to get rid of the weeds, and plant new truths. I found it very helpful for me.
I have so many memories and lies inside my brain, and being able to physically tell myself that they are lies and tell myself the truth really helps me. I feel lighter already, like my problems are leaving me.
I really enjoy the saying that is repeated so much: Let Go and Let God!
That is what I'm slowly learning to do one day at a time.

I really like doing these steps at the end of the day, because it lets me reflect on what is really important in life and what is not. No matter what things have happened today, or what mood I'm in, I know that doing my steps and taking some time for God makes me feel better, and gives me a sense of purpose.

Today I went to a job fair and I really want to get this job. It would be so perfect for me! Over the past year I haven't had much luck landing jobs though. I don't know if it's how I'm acting at my interviews or if I'm just not as qualified as others. I have no idea what's wrong! But this job seems absolutely perfect! And I have all the necessary qualifications. So I'm going to pray to God a lot this month, to throw me a bone and help me land this job! This job would make me so happy, and it would solve several of my problems.
But I guess, it's just a job, and I can certainly find another one somewhere. So if this job isn't what I was meant to do, I will accept that. But I will still be pretty sad about it.
Anyways, I have a really good feeling about this one so wish me luck!

God Bless,
Jessica

[jessicarose6]

Stepping Stone 8 was very helpful for me tonight.
I'm currently having a really hard time with... life.

At night, i will drive through my neighborhood and think about all the families that are asleep inside their homes and there are so many families everywhere just sleeping.

I mean, it's really weird if you think about it. This whole world just keeps moving even if every person is asleep in their house. People grow up, get a job, get married, have kids, and then they die.
But where is God in all of that? I thought God was supposed to be #1 in your life?
There are so many people out there who are not happy, unsatisfied with the life they have...
Why is that??
In a world like today, how are we supposed to follow the path of God? it just really gets to me. There are so many outside factors, and people and money. MONEY runs our lives!!
if you don't have money, you have nothing.
But I would rather have God.
These are the things I think about when I'm driving around, depressed about my life.

I needed some fresh air, so i sat outside for a bit. And just watching the sky, seeing how beautiful it is. The stars shine so bright and there was full moon! When I stare up at that beautiful moon, I can't help but think that God is right there watching us all. When I look at how beautiful the moon is, and how its up in the sky and it's far away, that's the big picture right there.

I prayed extra hard tonight, because I need guidance. I have been lost for so long, and now that I'm finding my way back to God, I thought my path would change. I thought things would get better. I know, things don't get better overnight. But my life has been stuck like this for almost 2 years, and I have reached my breaking point so many times. And I'm just sick of picking up the pieces. Every time, only to break down again.

I will never stop loving God, but I am losing hope... I wish I wasn't. I just don't know what else to think at this point. It's not easy to stay positive. It's really not. When things keep going wrong, and things just harder, how am I supposed to stay strong and be okay?
Especially when I have people always nagging me that I'm not good enough or I'm not doing something right. It's so hard to stay positive when there are thoughts and words like that coming into my head.

At this point all I can do is pray. I really like that passage at the end of the stepping stone:

Ask, and it shall be given you;
Seek, and ye shall find;
Knock, and it shall be opened unto you.


I really like that quote. it's so powerful. That quote alone gives me hope. I am seeking God, and asking for guidance and I am really hoping and believing that it will find me soon enough. </3

God Bless,
Jessica

[jessicarose6]

Stepping Stone 9 was very interesting.
It definitely feels like the time to change my lifestyle.
I have been hesitant about this step.
Because my friends are very ungodly - not even religious.
So when I tell them I gotta go to church, or something like that, they will not understand and possibly make fun of me. Yes, these are the people I call my friends.
I don't have a lot of friends, I only have one best friend but she is going down a very bad path, and I think she knows it. I have told her too but she doesn't care. It's her life and she's going to do what she wants. It's not my job to save her.
But I don't want to lead a life like that. I have kept my distance from her though. We aren't as close as we once were.
I do still see her and spend time with her but only once or twice a week.
I don't want to stop being friends, but if she is going to continue this way, we just won't be very close.

I am ready to change my lifestyle! I might even convince my family to go to church more.

Lately, I've been looking into doing some volunteering. After I watched this wonderful movie, it really got me motivated to help people. Plus, when I was in the church youth group, we volunteered all the time and I really enjoyed it. So I've been looking into it and I've found a couple different things I can do. But I looked even more, and I found this program called the Cross- Cultural Solutions. Where you pay to go a country and volunteer for a certain period of time. This really sounded cool to me, but you have to pay for everything yourself. and it would be around $5000! I am broke college student, so that just doesn't seem like an option to me. But once I found that one, I decided to look into the Peace Corps, because I didn't know much about it. After a lot of research of learning, I am seriously thinking about joining the Peace Corps. I want to make a difference in the world and this is one of the best ways to do it! I would be able to go away for 2 years. That's all I've wanted for the past couple of years- to just get away. It's not just about going away, though. I truly would enjoy experiencing new cultures, and helping children and people with whatever they need. I have taken advantage of everything that I have been given, and I am ready to give back. I know it will be difficult, 2 years is a long time. But I really think getting away from my nagging family, my ungodly friends, and the technology of today (internet) would help me so much! I am so dependent on the internet. I basically spend all day and all night on it. but I don't want to be like that anymore.

I've just made the BIGGEST revelation! I have been asking God for the past several months to a year for some guidance, for my Path, so I know what I'm supposed to do with my future. The other night, when I was having a hard time, I was praying and crying to God to give me guidance and show me what I should be doing. Just a little push in the right direction, and NOW I've found the Peace Corps!!! I am completely speechless! The more I think about it, the more I believe that this is not just a coincidence! I asked for guidance, and He led me to the Peace Corps. I can't believe I just put that together - this is an amazing feeling. It makes so much sense, because for so long I didn't know what it is I wanted to do with my life. I knew I wanted to make a difference, but I just didn't know how. But now I've found my answer! My prayers have been answered. I have never felt so blessed, so amazed, so full of hope, faith and belief before!

I am certainly going to pursue this decision to join the Peace Corps. I'm just worried about what my parents will think about this. I just know that my mom will think that I can't do it. That it's too hard, and I'm not " ready for that type of change" but really it's exactly what I need. I'm going to sit her down and talk to her about it in the next two days. I am going to pray that she keeps an open mind and gives me a chance to talk about it.

Have an amazing day/night everyone!
God Bless,
Jessica

[Dora]

I'm sorry to hear about your "friends." If they make jesters or comments about you going to church or wanting to live a Holier life style then tell them not to judge you. You aren't judging them for their choices so why can't they give back to you what you have given to them. I have friends who aren't christian and others who are. They don't judge me and I don't judge them. I don't pressure them to go to church and they don't pressure me to go to strip bars and such. They know my grounds and appreciate it even if they don't understand it. I pray your friends will do the same for you. Jesus loves you so much sister. He is worth asking your friends not to judge you over your choice. If they really care about you they will keep you as their friend. If the don't keep you then they were never really friends. Pray for real friends. Pray for God to prepare your way to telling your friends how you are trying to build your relationship with God and be more faithful to Him.

[jessicarose6]

It's been a while, I know. I just want to say thank you to everyone who has responded to me, and everyone who has viewed my stories. Almost 800 people that is crazy! It feels really great to be able to express my feelings and actually have people to talk to. So Thank you.

Stepping Stone 10 was very informative. I liked reading it. Tonight was a bad night for me. I had a breakdown. A bad one. I have been trying to stay positive and force myself to be happy, but I'm not and things just keep getting harder.
Things are supposed to get better, but they aren't. Terrible things keep happening to me, and I just can't take it anymore. It's just one thing after another. And tomorrow I am going to be in so much trouble..

I was feeling very suicidal tonight.. more suicidal than I've ever felt. Because I have made so many mistakes, and all of my emotional pain just won't go away. Everyone in my life just keeps reminding me what a failure I am and that I don't matter and that I'm going nowhere. And I'm starting to believe it. I have reached the point of being so broken that my pieces cannot be fixed anymore. I can't even begin to explain how I felt.

So I seeked out help. I searched the internet for help sites. I thought about calling the national suicide hotline but I didn't want to have to actually talk to someone on the phone. But I was looking at a website where everyone who is having problems can talk and vent their problems. That helped me a lot to know that I'm not the only one out there who feels like this. I haven't felt like this in a long, long time. I'm just hoping my mom doesn't kill me tomorrow.

I guess I'm just thinking of suicide as an easy way out. So I won't have to deal with the storm coming my way tomorrow. But there have been so many storms and so many hurtful words said to me, that I just cannot endure it again. I'm not strong enough for that.

I know that killing myself is not the answer. The website I was looking at said that feelings of suicide come from having too many feelings of pain, and not enough coping resources to deal with the pain. Which is exactly how it feels. After I cried for what seemed like ever, I felt a little better. That numbing feeling you get after crying for a long time? It's kind of a numb, relaxation. And now I'm back here, because I know that if I'm feeling like this, I need God. I need to be with God and spend time with God, and pray to God. I don't know if I'm being punished or if this part of my plan, but I am sick of being thrown under the bus. A girl can only take being run over a few times.

I'm glad that stepping stone 10 was about prayer. Prayer is exactly what I need right now. Please pray for me so that tomorrow I have the strength that I need to stand up tall and stay strong, and not cry and face any horrible outcomes I may encounter tomorrow.

This is me being strong. I am going to go pray for a very, very long time now.
On a side note, I'm almost done with my Peace Corps application, and I'm very excited about it. This is something I want so much.

Many Blessings,
Jessica