step 9. Patience
Posted: Fri Mar 01, 2013 7:27 pmIt's still a little shocking to me how this "healing path" seems to nail exactly what I'm thinking/feeling every day that I come back to it. Last night I was sitting on my couch watching ctn and it actually occurred to me that if I get cleaned up I could actually be useful, and since God is putting through this process it must mean that he actually wants to use me for something! so i got all excited and started imagining all of the amazing adventures I would have and how cool I would be and then I imagined too far and the ideal me seemed so opposite the current me that I got embarrassed by all of my imagining and then I got a little upset I wasn't finished yet because God can do anything so why not just fix me now? So todays section " how long Lord?" was a timely reminder. I kinda hate that it takes time. In fact, I think that one of the main reasons I always slip back into the ways of the world is because I have this expectation of some huge supernatural deliverance from all my problems. But this time I think I'm understanding that what I'm going through is a learning process and actually serves a purpose because if I just changed miraculously over night I wouldn't grow at all, and my life would be boring. I still want to rush the relationship with God though. I can't help it. I just miss Him so much now that I'm letting myself remember, and every time I cry out for his presence and don't feel it washing over me like it has in the past I have to fight that hopeless feeling that makes me wonder if he even hears me or wants me. But I'm the one who put so much distance between me and Him so I guess I'll just deal until he shows up.
