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Going to use this particular thread as an "open letter" sort of journal.

Stepping Stone One is sort of a "done deal" for me. I've been journaling a lot in the past two months especially, and in a manner that's been more honest to myself than I've been in a long time.

Stepping Stone Two then, because I see it as a perfect introduction idea. Weeds are something I've been recognizing in my life, but... Oh, they're like trees. Trees planted from the garden of the giants, and they're not beanstalks either How does one fall so deeply asleep that they don't see those things growing?

... Only I can't bring myself to say it out loud. It's easier to put general labels on things, isn't it? Depression, stemming from an already melancholy disposition, probably more homesick and lonely than I actually know, and cycling on periods that I have known forever tend offer more sadness. Mix all this liberally with now habitual thought-processes and well-rooted lack of self-confidence... KA-BOOM!

Really, which of any of that comes first? How do i know which root leads to which plant? It's intermingled so much.

Okay, a top generalization.

I've lost faith. Not in Jesus as my Savior, that's undeniable, unshakeable... It's undeniable that the God of the Bible is the only true God, and that I am secured by Him. But in everything else. It's like somehow, at some point, without my realizing it, all of the building, everything i had was swept away. I just have the foundation. Praise God for the foundation, but what a poor thing on my part.

Any time I read the scriptures, everything becomes wrong and twisted, and I'm horrified by what I read there. The simplest truths, the very simplest truths, are twisted and torn away from me. God is loving and merciful? Yeah, okay, sure He is. He must be, not only on the authority of the Bible, but on plenty of life experiences. But I can't believe that anymore. Immediately, other verses come to mind that tear that away. He's also holy and righteous and a person can't pray and be heard if there's sin in their life, and doubting is not of faith, that is sin, and since all I am is a ball of doubt over the smallest thing (you'd think choosing food was like planning my life course), then nothing that could be prayed could be heard. And.... Oh, I can't get far in even reading my Bible without getting defeated.

But losing faith... That's only a symptom. That's because everything else has come together to cause that. If choosing food is like planning a life course, then once it's chosen, I've always chosen wrong because of a dozen reasons.

Hopeless, I guess. Everything seems useless and hopeless to me. Things that used to be very good have been corrupted somehow into things very bad. My core philosophy in growing as a Christian when I came to things that are controversial and didn't seem so clear to me as a newly growing individual was to choose what was the most edifying first to my Christian siblings and was a testimony to the lost world. But what that has done has made it impossible for me to make decisions, because I've become so good at poking holes in everything. Can't speak. Can't do. Just don't go, I'll undoubtedly ruin something.

But where did that start, and how does it get fixed?

I don't know. I can't even see weeds. It's all bark.

Maybe this is still Day One? I'm going to be here a long time.

Hi Christabell, I know everybody is always telling us to read this book or that book, but I would like to recommend a classic to you. This book has stood the test of time, The book is "NORMAL CHRISTIAN LIFE" by Watchman Nee. (please don't confuse Him with Witness Lee. there are some issues with Lee) This book has blessed me and countless others. This book which is free on the internet ( CHRISTIAN CLASSICS ETHERAL LIBRARY, which is a part of Wheaton Bible College, which is what you would call conservative) and some other places. Watchman Nee lived in mainland China and was considered somewhat radical and was not well thought of by western missionaries in China, He was outspoken about the many denominations and why was the Lord's Day a church service where people sat and listened, rather than use it as a day to serve God in their communities and show Christ in them. The church's who followed Nee's teaching were called the "the Little Flock". These christians survived and grew during the occupation of China by Japan in WWII. There were about 2 million of them when Mao took over in China. Once Mao was in power Nee was arrested and spent the remainder of life in prison. It is believed that at the time of his death and under the harshest persecution, the little flock grew to some 80 million, through home church's. He taught the church to serve and teach. Everyone was trained to be ministers. The communist could ban the institutional church, but they have failed to stop the house church's. The house church's in China to me are the greatest move of God in my lifetime, it is estimated to be 120 million now. These chuch's are against the law but they are still growing. This book will change your life as it has many millions. Grace and Peace to you, Jimf

Hi christabell =) I've actually had a problem like this for a few days, and it just ended yesterday. If you cannot focus, and your mind is contradicting to the point that it feels like you are slowly losing everything, that is the enemy. What helped me was when I finally asked for help. You might feel like you shouldnt ask because God wont listen, but that is a lie. If you try to handle this on your own, and you try to reason that since you have sinned you cannot be heard, you are slowly destroying your faith. Don't try to reason God's word, and don't try to use it to condem yourself. We are all sinners, but that does not mean that we cannot be saved.

Thank you Jim and Rep.

Jim -- Thank you very much for that recommendation. I have looked into him and his book, and thus far it seems excellent. I love reading books that speak simply and practically, but get into the details of matters.

Rep -- I've definitely experienced that, asking God for help and immediate help being given. I know, I know that He is present, listening, and willing to help. But I can't shake the feelings of hopelessness that have led to all sorts of nonsense, the worst of which I have tackled here. I almost feel like it's tackling the "top" of an issue, a symptom, while I just need to get to an underlying cause... but finding myself fighting myself over undeniable truths that have been both presented Biblically and in my life has got to my dealt with. I truly let myself let go of what faith I have left, and I've lost miserably.

~*~*~*~

Which leads me to "Open Letter Journal Entry":

Revelations 3 begins with a letter to the church of Sardis. I feel like this is a church that explains me personally very, very well right now. Since reading it some weeks ago, the phrase in 3:2 keeps coming to mind "strengthen those things which remain." But the whole letter fits very well. I will not go into detail as to who I am and how I serve, but I have a good reputation and built trust within my church. I don't believe I have Christ shining from me as I once did, some of the interesting encounters I've had in the past just don't happen anymore, but that's for the better I think as it's a truth... But I've the reputation, while inside I feel like I'm not just dying, but I've all ready committed a sort of spiritual suicide. I haven't done anything, but not doing is the way I try to be... Just not exist, because not existing is better than being. As I said, I'm so afraid of doing something that's not edifying or building up, but is damaging to others... I just would rather not try. On the same hand, I jump into positions of things that I see necessary as getting done because of the same idea that things must be built up, and so have landed myself in a position where v.1 seems to describe me well enough.

The twist in it though is in a big way I've done what I've been constantly reminded not to do in the past year or so... After trusting in Christ by faith alone, it seems that now I'm trying to rely on my own works and righteousness to merit anything at all with Him. Utter foolishness, I know, and it's something I've got to get past, and I suspect if I get past that it might dissolve all issues... It's ironic, the word people use to describe me is 'humble,' but it's this root of pride that I'm seeing as a, if not the, root cause of these issues.

But I couldn't do anything with it, because even when I was trying not to reject God's continuing grace and love, I wasn't really able to accept it even when I honestly tried to do so. It's like He's trying to offer it, but I at first couldn't bring myself to believe the offer is really there, and then to believe it'll remain, and so it's so hard to accept it.

I am really grateful for the first chapter of that book, because it addresses that quite clearly. I all ready know the pattern of thoughts without even thinking them that will get me defeated over it. I'll try not to think them though, at least not actively.

So, there, maybe after these 24 hours or so of thinking of it, I'll present those as initial weeds. I'll probably just stare at them for now, to see finally words given to problems I've known but not put into words. I won't be around at all tomorrow for posting, but we'll see what comes about later.

Christabell, I was in a situation similar to yours. A longtime christian who was tired of living a defeated life. I read this book when I first became a christian, but I didn't really grasp the truth within. Holy Spirit led me back to this book and it has changed my life, along with Tozer's "The Pursuit of God" and this site. It's amazing when you become truly desperate how God comes through. It's like the prodigal son, BUT everyone has different levels of the "pig pen" that they can endure. I was thought of as spiritual outward, but inwardly I knew the truth. God will allow you to reach a point where desperation will give you the desire to do anything it takes to get right with Him. YOU ARE BORN AGAIN BY HIS SPIRIT, YOU ARE NOT WHAT YOU ONCE WERE. God gave you a new life that is absolutly dependant on His life being in you. If this life is not active in you, YOU WILL BE MISERABLE. God is too good to allow you to live without Him. Like me, you will one day thank Him for the misery you've endured. It is His goodness that leads us to repentance ( a change in our life's direction). Nee makes a statement early in the book " IN ORDER TO KEEP GOING ON WITH GOD WE MUST KNOW THE "UP TO DATE VALUE OF THE BLOOD" and this became a turning point. We have no trouble in trusting in His blood for the forgiveness of sins and that through His blood we can have access to Him. We are taught this early in our spiritual lives, and we have no trouble believing it with our minds. BUT, there is one other truth about the blood I had trouble trusting and it was that "THE BLOOD ANSWERED EVERY ACCUSATION SATAN COULD CHARGE ME WITH". I would be doing great in my walk with Him and BOOM, satan would start accusing and I would start feeling guilty ang try to "start doing better" to stop the accusations, and then out of frustration give up trying. HIS BLOOD AND ONLY HIS BLOOD MUST BE USED TO RESIST, REPEL AND RESPOND TO satans ACCUSATIONS. Answer every accusation with the blood, THIS IS OUR GREATEST WEAPON IN SPIRITUAL WARFARE. THIS IS THE FOUNDATION OF OUR FAITH, GOD SHED HIS BLOOD FOR US Rom 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Grace and peace Jimf