Step One - Modern Day Leper
Posted: Sun Aug 26, 2012 10:36 pmMy precious Lord,
Today, August 26, 2012, I come naked before you, a humble servant, a failure in the eyes of the world. Lord, I have lived to see your Word come to life...yes, when a mother and father forsake me (and sisters, brothers, friends, coworkers...) you have taken me up. I am despised and unworthy, a modern day leper, who is broken, battered, shunned by others and pitied by a few loving souls.
On the eve of the 20 year anniversary of the earthly death of the beautiful lady who lead me to you, Aunt Grace, I feel great shame, for I have also failed her. I felt her spirit move into me and the torch was passed. She did it right, she loved you and left this world serving you and your people. She loved all man and was never afraid, not even of death. But I walk in fear, shattered and traumatized by the pain and suffering I have been through, and on the verge of losing my best friend, my mom, who will soon be in your loving arms.
Lord, for some reason, you wanted me to truly, deeply and profoundly know the real meaning of suffering on this earth, in order to serve your Sheep. How could I know their pain if I have not lived it? So I lived it. I am living it now. Four different times. Homeless. Poverty. Unemployment. Loss of all worldly possessions, credit, and esteem. I am now ugly, both inside and out. Others may not see the horror that I see, but I see it. I have failed you. I have failed others. I have failed myself. You forgive me, but I cannot forgive myself. Nor can I ever expect others to forgive me.
You blessed me, Lord, with the most loving, beautiful and kind-hearted soul, Robert, to travel this journey with me for the past 18 years. Without his tender love, friendship and strength, I would not be here. I wanted to die so many times, die out of shame and disgust. But his is always there, faithful, supportive and encouraging, despite having to live with a hideous monster like me.
My Christian family gave many prophecies over me for my life. Remember when they called me a spirit of John the Baptist? Remember, Lord, when they said I was destined for greatness and to serve your Kingdom in a mighty way? Remember when Brother Chad and Brother Joshua said that you told them I was going to do the work of an Aimee Semple McPherson? Yes, of course you remember, but I do not. It's all a blur to me now. All I see is failure. Old. The best is behind me. Ugly. Gross. Leper. Dying inside. Scars everywhere, both seen and unseen.
But when I look at you, I see hope and beauty. But when I look in the mirror and in the reflection of the world, and all I see is...loser. Lord, I do not want to die this way. I want to live again. Live with a greater purpose. I put all my hope and faith in you. That somehow, you will make a way where there is no way. I have nothing more to give. I am hopeless. But with you, it is not impossible. That's why I'm still here, still fighting. I am here because I love you.
Lord, I thank you, that you have been there, for when I was weary and heavy burdened, you gave me rest. Thank you for all you have done for me. Thank you for being there during all my battles, shortcomings, victories, miracles and every day life. You, and you alone, never left me. Thank you for sending me angels, earthly and heavenly ones, to walk with me and to care for me during my time in the lion's den and in the fire. And thank you, most of all, for dying on a cross for me. I only pray, Father, that I can once again, rise up out of the ashes of despair and disgrace, and serve your glorious Kingdom and your Sheep.
Today, August 26, 2012, I come naked before you, a humble servant, a failure in the eyes of the world. Lord, I have lived to see your Word come to life...yes, when a mother and father forsake me (and sisters, brothers, friends, coworkers...) you have taken me up. I am despised and unworthy, a modern day leper, who is broken, battered, shunned by others and pitied by a few loving souls.
On the eve of the 20 year anniversary of the earthly death of the beautiful lady who lead me to you, Aunt Grace, I feel great shame, for I have also failed her. I felt her spirit move into me and the torch was passed. She did it right, she loved you and left this world serving you and your people. She loved all man and was never afraid, not even of death. But I walk in fear, shattered and traumatized by the pain and suffering I have been through, and on the verge of losing my best friend, my mom, who will soon be in your loving arms.
Lord, for some reason, you wanted me to truly, deeply and profoundly know the real meaning of suffering on this earth, in order to serve your Sheep. How could I know their pain if I have not lived it? So I lived it. I am living it now. Four different times. Homeless. Poverty. Unemployment. Loss of all worldly possessions, credit, and esteem. I am now ugly, both inside and out. Others may not see the horror that I see, but I see it. I have failed you. I have failed others. I have failed myself. You forgive me, but I cannot forgive myself. Nor can I ever expect others to forgive me.
You blessed me, Lord, with the most loving, beautiful and kind-hearted soul, Robert, to travel this journey with me for the past 18 years. Without his tender love, friendship and strength, I would not be here. I wanted to die so many times, die out of shame and disgust. But his is always there, faithful, supportive and encouraging, despite having to live with a hideous monster like me.
My Christian family gave many prophecies over me for my life. Remember when they called me a spirit of John the Baptist? Remember, Lord, when they said I was destined for greatness and to serve your Kingdom in a mighty way? Remember when Brother Chad and Brother Joshua said that you told them I was going to do the work of an Aimee Semple McPherson? Yes, of course you remember, but I do not. It's all a blur to me now. All I see is failure. Old. The best is behind me. Ugly. Gross. Leper. Dying inside. Scars everywhere, both seen and unseen.
But when I look at you, I see hope and beauty. But when I look in the mirror and in the reflection of the world, and all I see is...loser. Lord, I do not want to die this way. I want to live again. Live with a greater purpose. I put all my hope and faith in you. That somehow, you will make a way where there is no way. I have nothing more to give. I am hopeless. But with you, it is not impossible. That's why I'm still here, still fighting. I am here because I love you.
Lord, I thank you, that you have been there, for when I was weary and heavy burdened, you gave me rest. Thank you for all you have done for me. Thank you for being there during all my battles, shortcomings, victories, miracles and every day life. You, and you alone, never left me. Thank you for sending me angels, earthly and heavenly ones, to walk with me and to care for me during my time in the lion's den and in the fire. And thank you, most of all, for dying on a cross for me. I only pray, Father, that I can once again, rise up out of the ashes of despair and disgrace, and serve your glorious Kingdom and your Sheep.
