Christianity Oasis Member Forum & Chat Room

I just found COOL and read the 1st CCCC. Hi. I have been self harming with alcohol for 5 yrs now, and smoking cigarettes for 18yrs. I can't take it anymore. I have tried so many different things, but always go back. I get scared that I will be trying and failing for the rest of my life. It's not just the drinking and smoking thats driving me crazy. The day after I drink I feel so sorry for myself and am pretty much useless to do anything for anyone. I have so much guilt because I have my kids and husband who love me very much. I want to break this maddening cycle. I wrote this early today when I was feeling really bad...
"I feel like the worse person in the world! I spent tithe on groceries, and I drank last night. I don't deserve the love of my husband or kids. My sister is driving me crazy. I can't seem to stop drinking for more than 2 or 3 days. I upset my best friend. My eyesight is getting bad. I am one big mess."
I'm feeling a lot better right now, and will be okay for a couple days, but I have to break this cycle. I know God and Jesus are the only way. I used to be involved in the church, but I feel so ashamed that it is really hard for me to go back. When my pastor calls I ignore the call because I can't tell him, Hey! I got this beat. I asked him and his wife to pray for me, but then got scared because I told someone my problem. I do that though. It seems whenever I reach out for help, the help I get is worse than the original problem.(not with my pastor, but in the past.). I have faith and hope and know God loves me. I feel so bad because I seem to always be begging Him to please forgive me, then a couple days later go and do the same thing again. I will never lose hope. Sorry this is so long.

The drinking, as you describe it, is a symptom. I am not saying this is true for everyone - there is a reason for addiction in everyone, sometimes it is a physical reaction.

But what you describe in particular, "self-harming through alcohol" is a symptom of something else. If you really want to get well, there are a number of things you will need to do - most importantly understanding yourself. You cannot do this alone. You will need God and you will need people. More than one person. I can be part of the village that helps you - but you will need a village of people and one of them will eventually probably need to be a trained counselor.

But that is mapping out a journey of a thousand miles. The first step is to take the first step. If you really want to get well, then you need to first of all pray to God and give it to him, in the name of Jesus, once again.

Secondly, I recommend that you try the cccc study in studies on this site. Particularly if you bog down after a few days on this study, I will suspect an event or events in your past that need to be faced and handled.

I suspect you have in some way been exposed to abuse - that you have witnessed abuse or been a victim of it.

Right now you probably are trying to catch your breath. When you do, you can continue on this forum, you can start the cccc, or you can PM me.

This is totally your choice. Nobody can make you do anything. You are free to choose - but what do you want? What do you want for your life? What do you think God wants for your life?

SIgns of exposure to abuse - you don't think you are particularly important. You don't think that your pain is a big deal. When someone asks you where you want to go, you won't tell them where you want to go - even if you are just dying to try a new restaurant. You seldom look people in the eye....

If the shoe doesn't fit - just tell me. I can take it. But if it does, well, it would be great if you would let people help you to get better. And you can get better.

Thank you Dema. I appreciate your honesty. I read a lot on this website last night and was especially moved by the study about the Holy Spirit. I never realized I could talk directly to Him too. I read the first study on that and had a honest conversation last night. I told Him how sorry I am for grieving him and leaving him alone for so long. I didn't expect an answer, just knew I was opening the door and starting a friendship. I did get a one word answer from him. Patience, as in I need to work on patience. Last night was probably the best nights sleep I have gotten in a long time. Like God Himself came down to hold me and told me everything is going to be okay. I am on stepping stone #2 today. I like the steps alot. Its like presents for the next 2weeks that I HAVE to wait for. Today I will be working on Step#2, and learning to listen to the Spirit's voice more. I will also be praying for you Dema. God Bless you in Jesus's beautiful name.

Hello Tam

Welcome to the Oasis .

Ah , the good ole sound of "The-day-after-of-the-night-before" ... How familiar .

My name is vahn , and I'm alcoholic . Please allow me to first , clarify , that by my identifying myself as alcoholic , by NO means that I am implying that you "might" be one ok ?

As an alcoholic , ... Are you ready for this ? .... I NEVER HAD A DRINKING PROBLEM ... I drank fine ! . What I did have a problem with though , was the STOPPING . BUT , however , for the past 13 years , but for the Grace of our All-Loving God , I never founf it necessary for me to STOP drinking alcohol ... Because I never STARTED .

I have this thing called a combination of allergy coupled with obsession . What that means is , that , once I start drinking , I have no sufficient enough human power to say , "yep ... that sure did the trick , I had enough for today" , I just simply keep going ... to oblivion , KNOWING I HAD MORE THAN ENOUGH . Now , let us couple that with the obsession of "Unless I drink ...just one or two ..." BINGO !

There are as many reasons as to why people drink the way I did as there are people who drank it . WHY , is not the issue here no more , what we need to concentrate on , is the HOW . How to NOT put ourselves in a position that will lead us to say "Boy do I need a drink or what ! "

Rather than spending all the time and effort as to "find out" What "caused" my alcoholism , it is much better to spend that time on trying to find out "what did alcohol did to me" .... alcohol DID SOME THING . That is what I needed to find out first , and then , and only then I can try to find a substitute for it .

These 14 steps will do just that ! ... like I said , (or did I) ... you're in the right place .

If we don't start , we don't have to worry about stopping .

Keep the plug in the jug . And continue what you started here ... you'll be amazed .

Luv ya
In Christ , our Lord
vahn