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the chest pains and knotted stomach continues at random times..as well as the loss of
appetite...this morning I told god I am going to fast all day In an act of faithfulness
If he would just show me his will for my life...And wouldn't you know it..Food smelled
great today..The Devil Never Stops trying Ever..But I have persevered and told God
No I am going to do this..I have made a promise to you and as long as I stay faithful
and show you that I will suffer for him and not pursue my own desires..then you will
continue to heal me day by day

today was a little difficult for me..me and my ex have a child together so I had to
go to her house to pick up my daughter..Yesterday I decided a new life a new look,so I
shaved off my facial hair, got a haircut,went and bought a new shirt (kinda tight since I
am down 1o lbs since last Thursday and I wanted to look nice)..took a shower and got
dressed up Like I used to when me and her started dating also wore he favorite cologne..Yes Maybe I was going for a
little self esteem boost.....Nothing wrong with that

I text her and told her I was coming over to get our daughter at noon No problem, As I
was driving over there (and all morning before that) I begged god to please take over my whole
body,spirit,soul and mouth...I put my headphones in my ears and started listening to my christian
music and resolved to use a tip
from a poster in my day 1 journal and if I felt offended by something, turn around and
act as though Jesus is standing right behind me listening

When I arrived they were both waiting outside int the yard,( I had asked God for a sign to show me if she wanted me back or not..by showing me If she did she would invite me into the house and if she didnt she would not...Well as I prayed that It came to mine...When satan was tempting jesus on the mountain..And I realized that though shall not tempt the lord thy god..So Im just not sure what to think of that)I walked up to my daughter with
my sunglasses on and headphones in my ears playing a new favorite song by Jars of Clay-carry on, my daughter
didnt recognize me right off..Guess facial hair does make a big difference, So I started
dancing and smiling and called her my little nicknames for her..She smiled..My ex looked at
me with a half cocked smile (this was always her smile that she used when she wanted
to laugh like what is wrong with you) and pointed to the headphones (I had already decided
to utilize them to keep my eyes towards Jesus and not on my own desire to try to get her back)
So I took out my phone and turned down the music...and she said is there anything that I need to
send with her..I said a simple no..and picked up our daughter and she said oh wait I'm gonna send
her new toothbrush with her..I said OK..she turned and went into the house and I put my daughter in the
truck..Her dog (which was my dog as well) got excited to see me and jumped int the front seat of
the truck and laid in the passenger seat and refused to get out..she came back out..went to
the other side of the truck opened the door and reached in and kissed my daughter and
told her she loved her...I had already hopped into the front of the truck..Hoping for a quick
escape as the chest pain and knots were horrible, She closed the back cab and got the dog
out then reached over the passenger seat and handed me the toothbrush, I had already turned
my music back up on my headphones, She motioned for me to turn them down and told me the
doctor said no drinks after she brushed her teeth..stuttered a few times(which isn't normal
for her) I said OK..and then I don't much recall what else was said because my emotions were so intense
and heightened that I just wanted to leave..then she said goodbye and we left..As I pulled
out of the drive way I cranked up the headphones again and lifted my hands to the lord to praise him
not to show her (not sure she even seen or cared) but to show him praise for helping me to
just be simple and not react or blubber and beg for her back

I know what everyone is thinking..This guy is love sick and he is looking for every sign
to show him she still wants him...WELL WOULDN'T YOU AS WELL..IF SOMETHING YOU LOVED SO MUCH
WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE?..Maybe I am reading between the lines and just being a hopeless
fool

I cant stop checking my phone..I have turned it off so many times and then back on
I haven't texted her..or even planned to..I just wanted to see her text me so I could
ignore it(like she has been doing to me) and let her see how it feels..But As Always that is my will and not gods..
So he has not allowed it..Thankfully..I know it is a game..But I am in such emotional
turmoil that I cant focus at all

But I continue to focus on the lord and the end result..So NO matter what may happen..I am finishing
what I started here

I was rereading day 3 and found the lost love part that I overlooked earlier, I have realized that
I am feeling guilty...It wasn't an easy course to read but one thing stood out to me..live and let love,
Love and let live....So hard to hear but It only reaffirms what I already figured out..Leave her
alone and let her live and see if this guy is the one who gets to make her happy forever instead of me
So Hard to even accept..But it isn't my will anymore its god's will be done

I gave a testimonial to my neighbor tonight, and told her that I have rededicated my life to the lord and told her the whole story, Not for praise, but because I am not embarrassed of Jesus..and he isn't embarrassed of a sinner like me I also told her I have a christian friend (female)..who would really like to date me...but I just cant even think about it right now..she is a great person, but she lives an hour and a half away so a relationship with her even in the future just isn't feasible,anyways she is coming here to Bolivar Thursday and we are going to go eat sushi and then go for some frozen yogurt and sit on the square and read scripture on the back of my tailgate...Like I said I am not embarrassed of Jesus and I want everyone to know I am serious about rededicating my life to him 100% and I am willing to suffer ridicule and persecution for his name sakes

Please dear Lord make it obvious to me what I Am supposed to do..No Matter What I will stick through this
journey and endure the pain until you have healed me..I have been faithful to you and will continue to Keep my eyes and Head lifted up to you

I hope that tomorrow and Day 4 is better..Because day 3 started good and has ended with more
heartahe and worry..My emotions are truly a mess and all of the place just like my Focus...But rest assured I will be back at it tomorrow and everyday for the next 14 days

Please pray for me in what ever way God lays on your heart to..I have moments of clarity and then horrible moments if confusion..So At this point I dont even know what to ask god for

Read Romans 8: 26-28 I love these verses and the give me comfort when it seems I can't pry. grandma

Read Romans 8: 26-28 I love these verses and they give me comfort when it seems I can't pray. grandma

What you are doing is not only going to make a difference in your life but it will also be important in your daughters life. She will see the love of God in her "earthly" fathers face. Your on the right track keep up the good work & you are in all our prayers.
God Bless

Keep on Prayin!