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I'm not really sure how to begin. I guess I can say that I was raised by my grandparents who were both pastors at a small country church. I used to help my grandfather prepare his sermons and I always had Jesus in my heart. I got married to my high school sweetheart very young before he deployed to Iraq. We had a rocky start and it hasn't gotten any easier. Military life is very difficult as I am far away from my family and loved ones. During his most recent deployment I went home to be with family and find a job. I worked very hard to save money so that we could afford a house. Meanwhile he was spending money in foreign strip clubs and bars. Whenever he contacted me he was accusing me of things like cheating and lying. I had always been faithful to my husband and I had given him all of my heart. After several months of torment I went out with some friends for a couple drinks. I made a bad decision and I cheated on my husband. I felt so guilty and I felt I had turned my back on god. It was a terrible time in my life. But this man made me feel wanted and appreciated. It didn't help that I worked with him so we saw each other every day. He became my friend and we continued our physical relationship. I left and moved all of my husbands things into the house I had built for us. I only ever wanted to have a loving relationship with my husband. I didn't want this other man. A week before my husband came home from deployment I found out I was pregnant. I was so scared I called the other man and he told me that I was a whore and it wasn't his. He was the only man other than my husband that I had ever been with. He made me feel awful and I was scared. I made the only decision I felt I had. I went to planned parenthood. I took a pill and they told me that the baby was no longer alive inside me. I wanted to die. My heart broke into a million pieces but I thought that with time it would heal and my marriage would stay strong. Well my husband came home and nothing got better. He continued to drink and ignore me. I wanted to leave but I felt like I owed him more. One night I was going to tell him about what I had done but my throat closed up and became dry. It was as if someone had their hands around my neck squeezing. I hadn't gotten my period since the abortion so I took a pregnancy test to see if I was pregnant again. It came back positive and I told my husband. He was excited and he celebrated by getting drunk and leaving me alone. I was scared but I figured this could only help our marriage. I went to the doctor to confirm the pregnancy and they told me that I was already four months pregnant. The abortion hadn't worked. I was carrying the child of a man I didnt love and wasn't married to. I cried harder than I'd ever cried before. I was so happy that I had been given another chance to give this child a life in Christ but I knew if I told my husband he would leave me. I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell him. So I drove him away subconsciously. He cheated on my the whole time I was pregnant. He was always gone with the same woman. I found text messages of them telling each other that they love one another. I kept finding out things he had been lying to me about. He lied about everything under the sun. We became strangers under the same roof. I gave birth to my son and my husband was there holding my hand. My son is almost a year old now and my husband still doesn't know the truth. I've forgiven him for everything that he has done but I still haven't confessed my sins. I'm terrified that he will leave me. I love my husband and I want my marriage to work. I can't pray anymore I feel like I'm just talking to myself. I don't hear gods voice anymore. I'm scared that I'm too far gone to be forgiven. I can't sleep. I want more than anything to just move on from this dark cloud and get back into the light of Christ but I don't want to break my husband's heart. What can I do to get god back into our lives???

God loves you. God loves you. Jesus died for your sins. He didn't sacrifice for perfect people - he sacrificed for people like you and me.

King David was a man after God's own heart. But he did pretty much what you did. You might read the story of David and Bathsheba again. But David successfully killed the husband and then his baby died. You don't have any death on your hands.

But even without the sacrifice of Jesus Christ - David was forgiven.

Sweetie, you are forgiven as well.

What do you have to do to be loved by God again - you are loved by God. The whole time. From beginning to end. You just need to talk to God. Tell him what you told us and let him wrap his arms around you.

As far as your husband goes. Well, I don't know if it is too late or not. With God all things are possible - but there is free will. If your husband chooses this other woman, well then, that is what he does.

I do want you to picture where you were and why you had your affair. Now, I want you to picture being in a strange country where the people hate you. I want you to picture it being very hot. The people you know and love aren't there. There aren't churches like what you were raised in. People call you sinner and other bad names because you aren't their religion and they don't understand yours.

People you know well are far away, and the people you get to know get hurt or die. You might get hurt or die.

You turned to sex and the touch of another man out of pain and loneliness. Your heart was hungry and alone and that is where you turned. Now picture where your husband was. You want to be forgiven for a debt that is much larger than that which your husband has to you. One can argue that in God's eyes it is all the same. I don't want you to blame yourself. You are forgiven. And you likely felt betrayed by your husband before you turned to someone else. But, you need to realize, you should not hold anything against your husband and you should let him know. Let him know that you forgive him and that you want to be a family.

As far as your son. I'm not up to advice on that one. Some one else will have to help here. Pray about it. Forgive yourself. Forgive your husband. And maybe talk to a preacher or Christian counsellor about what to do about your son. But.... if they give you advice and you don't have peace about it THEN GET OTHER ADVICE.

Always weigh advice and wait for the peace. And weigh it in prayer. Waiting for the peace.

God bless you.

My dear sister. I don't feel I have words that can help you heal. Except that I extend a hand of love and acceptance towards you. My heart aches for you. Love that little boy like he's a gift from God cause he is. What if he was naughty and sinned then cried and cried and cried even long after he told you he was sorry. Wouldn't it break your heart? You'd long for him to let go of his mistake and smile again. You are Gods child and He longs for you to let go and smile again. He loves you dearly!!! He does hear those prayers. Each and every one. He catches every tear in a bottle as even your tears are that valuable to him. He feels your pain and wants you to know He is there with you and for you. Even if you don't feel like it, He is. Praying for you along this path. Daddy's got you sunshine.

Hello

Right off the bat , I would like to take the time to let you know that NO ONE is "too far gone" to be forgiven -by our Lord- ... God is NOT like us ... we're the ones who would "not" forgive actions like that -wether it be our own or others' - .
Things "happen" for whatever reaeson , the truthful fact is that , we do things like that when we are weak . It is an impossibility for man/woman , NOT to sin , and you know what else ? ... God KNOWS that . He wants to see reaction(s) .... And the way you're reacting ? .... It actually puts a smile on His face . Acknoledging our wrongs , feeling remorseful , trying to come clean , all these are path to forgiveness sis .

As to wether you should "tell" your husband or not .... I am not about to suggest ANYTHING , but however , share a bit of experience .... When we attempt to make amends , it is strongly suggested , that , by so doing , we will not be hurting them , or someone else (like your child ) . We just clean our side of the street the best we know how , and let God decide both the time and place , and the outcome .


In Christ , our Lord
vahn

My prayers are with you.

Just remember that God loves you. Your first step I think is to forgive yourself. I know it isn't easy but it's a place to start. Keep praying and seek some counciling. I would suggest getting your husband to go to counciling with you to work on your relationship and in time perhaps with the help of a counciler you can confess what happened. I would Imagin that it will eat you up inside if you keep it in. Secrets often have a way of coming out one way or another. It would be better if you were the one to tell him(with help from a mediator/counciler). If your husband ever did the math he could already suspect and he is not without guilt either because he was unfaithful as well. From what it sounds like he is still being unfaithfull. Seek professional help, Read the BIBLE and Pray.

I would also try the spirit of truth study it will help bring you closer to God and teach you how to listen and hear what God is trying to tell you. He is always with you and has and will eternaly Love you.

I will keep praying for you.