journal #1
Posted: Wed May 30, 2012 8:42 pminner struggles
I am an introvert and I have social anxiety. I have low self esteem, which throughout my teenager to twenties, masked with alcohol. Many things I have done now I regret. But somehow God helped me meet my soulmate and now have two beautiful daughters. However, I deal with mild depression...which I diagnosed myself. As a christian korean american, depression is really not viewed as a disease but as .my husband would call it, laziness and a self pity party....whom I grew to despise regarding this topic. Some days I am full of energy and can deal with the world. But then the very next day, I just can't function. I have two children to take care of and husband to attend to but cannot get myself to snap out if it. I become very angry and I lash out at my family. I think I need anger management.
My problem probably is deep rooted in my family problem, I have a father who is a dreamer....for the last 25 years, he thinks he is gonna "hit it big". My mother and younger sister left him and now he is homeless. He did so much damage to us. He put us in such a deep hole, we cannot come out of it. He says that God will help him with his business so he can serve God. I am so ashamed to say that he is also an elder (his late father was a pastor). He no longer serves or attends a church. He did so much harm to so many people in our lives. I continually ask God how my father can be such a crazy and detrimental man.. We have tried talking to him but he is so stubborn and set in his ways, he rather be homeless and leeching of others than give up his business. I really despise him but I don't know what to do because he is still my father. My family and I are going through our own financial difficulties at the moment (how are we going to make ends meet?) and I am very stressed out as is, worries about him put me into a deep dark place where I feel stuck.
everyday I think about running away. My husband too is under so much stress he tells me I should be glad he hasn't killed himself yet. . I am a bad mother, bad wife, bad daughter...I feel like I am good at nothing. Helpless...
I know this is my journal with my thoughts but sorry for being so long.
I am an introvert and I have social anxiety. I have low self esteem, which throughout my teenager to twenties, masked with alcohol. Many things I have done now I regret. But somehow God helped me meet my soulmate and now have two beautiful daughters. However, I deal with mild depression...which I diagnosed myself. As a christian korean american, depression is really not viewed as a disease but as .my husband would call it, laziness and a self pity party....whom I grew to despise regarding this topic. Some days I am full of energy and can deal with the world. But then the very next day, I just can't function. I have two children to take care of and husband to attend to but cannot get myself to snap out if it. I become very angry and I lash out at my family. I think I need anger management.
My problem probably is deep rooted in my family problem, I have a father who is a dreamer....for the last 25 years, he thinks he is gonna "hit it big". My mother and younger sister left him and now he is homeless. He did so much damage to us. He put us in such a deep hole, we cannot come out of it. He says that God will help him with his business so he can serve God. I am so ashamed to say that he is also an elder (his late father was a pastor). He no longer serves or attends a church. He did so much harm to so many people in our lives. I continually ask God how my father can be such a crazy and detrimental man.. We have tried talking to him but he is so stubborn and set in his ways, he rather be homeless and leeching of others than give up his business. I really despise him but I don't know what to do because he is still my father. My family and I are going through our own financial difficulties at the moment (how are we going to make ends meet?) and I am very stressed out as is, worries about him put me into a deep dark place where I feel stuck.
everyday I think about running away. My husband too is under so much stress he tells me I should be glad he hasn't killed himself yet. . I am a bad mother, bad wife, bad daughter...I feel like I am good at nothing. Helpless...
I know this is my journal with my thoughts but sorry for being so long.
Hello Lyl,
. but we fail at loving sometimes because of our imperfect human nature, its a given. We all have made our share of mistakes we learn to forgive by practicing His teachings within ourselves first and to those around us and in our lives. 