Christianity Oasis Member Forum & Chat Room

Hi. I'm really new to this, my first time posting anywhere. I'm 41, 5 years ago I came back to Christ ( I say came back because literally I blasphemed Him). I returned (both to Christ and to home) after my father died about 7 years ago. Before I was a child of satan, heavy into drugs, alcohol, partying. I have been recently diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, like I needed a diagnosis. I've tried the meds, which just produce the negative side effects. I've always had issues since I was a child I was burned at 9 months, dyslexia, learning disorders, mildly autistic. I have been abused, and lived most of my life in isolation with few people to call friends. Relationships are few and far between. Most relationships I've had are only because I had a decent paying job, I've been able to help financially, when the money runs out, so does the friend. I don't take care of myself physically- I just don't care. Much of my life I have been able to cope with life, it has gotten to a point in the last year that I cannot bear this. I wish to stay in bed so many days but I feel more ashamed by doing so. I was fired in January for making too many mistakes and not being able to produce enough work. I am in the middle of a career change, still not motivated to actually make the change. I volunteer at my church doing sound, which is about the only thing getting me out of bed. Most mornings I awake to the sound of screaming and have had relationships where I have spent the night tell me that I would awake them in the middle of the night with my screaming. I guess all this makes for one uncomfortable, insecure person.

I have found that it helps a lot in depression or crisis to use the same philosophy that they use in AA - take one day at a time and if you can't handle the day, then handle the minute. But in another sense, you probably have some good minutes, so think about them. Focus on what would make this minute better.

Helping others takes your mind off yourself. It is wonderful that you are doing sound for your church. Where else can you volunteer. Volunteering can also lead you to other jobs - if you are needing one right now.

Keep on with the study you are on. There are many more studies here if you click on the Site Map tab.

And also try playing Christian music. There is Christian music in every style. I like Christian Reggae and have five or so CD's of it. I exercise to it sometimes. It is perky and gets me moving.

I do believe we are in a spiritual battle. The more you think about how bad things are - the more the bad things rule your life. The more you can enjoy a bird hopping in the grass, or a flower blooming, or helping and old lady carrying her groceries or a smile or a song - the more you turn things the other way. Each thought is a step. You can step forward or backwards or even sideways.

So, find ways to think more of God, more of others and more of just happy. Even one thought - one instant. And notice when you do.

Hold doors open for people when their hands are full. Google volunteer work in your community.

And don't condemn yourself for what you don't. Praise God for every minute that is good. A warm handshake, sleeping well, a shower that felt really good - praise God for each of these things. And notice what you eat and drink. Is it filling you and making you feel healthier and satisfied? If so, praise God. If not, then put it down.

Walking around in the morning can give you many pleasant thoughts - many causes for praise.

Will this fix everything in a day - no, it will not. But sometimes that is the issue - our walk with God is a journey and not a destination. Enjoy as much of the journey as you possibly can. And praise God for it.

Hello David

God bless you this day, and welcome to Christianity Oasis. I'm glad The Lord led you here.

It sounds as if you have been through many challenges in your life, but I'm so happy that you are hearing God calling you unto Himself. David, no matter what our challenges, God can and will use us for His glory and for our benefit, if we will serve Him, for His purpose. He loves you so very much.

While we may be challenged and limited by diagnosis' , or conditions, or sinful habits -- God is not limited. God is All-Powerful and All-Knowing, and nothing limits Him. Therefore, if we seek Him in everything, He'll enable us to do the work He calls us to do. And the coolest thing is, when we follow Him, for His purpose and glory, we feel and operate in His supernatural power -- which comes with blessed love, peace and joy -- which is unlike any other.

I encourage you to continue the 14 Day CCCC Study, and then He will lead you into more Truth. The Lord has lots to teach you and share with you. You'll be glad you did. I know I am. Thank You Jesus.

Prayers are rising for you. May God's blessed will be done.

God bless and keep you.
In Christ Jesus' love,
Sister Mack

I TRULY adore HIM within those who choose to respond to GOD'S children crying out for help.

We aint the Prodigal Son's brother ... We are the Prodigal Son, who were given another chance.

PAY it forward with the same Grace you hope for.

Amen and Amen to the comments.

Luv all of ya

David Your story makes my heart break. I have a story that breaks hearts as well. My screams wake me at night too. Sometimes I can hear myself screaming from my dreams but can't wake up. Sometimes I can feel my spouse shaking me in panic wondering why I'm screaming but I can't wake from the horrid dream though I'm being shaken.

You are not alone in your problems David. To everyone else in my life I appear so "normal" yet I have a slew of problems. I was diagnosed once with depression then after I began sharing my trauma with doctors it was diagnosed as depression caused by PTSD. I faught the diagnoses because I didn't want a label. BUT as I began to learn about the label PTSD I began to realize why I was doing the things I was doing and that there are others like me. YET God didn't leave me there. He's healing me of my symptoms. David I've been suicidal many times. Even just yesterday the thoughts were hounding me. And here today I am smiling and trying to reach out to you. I never thought I'd be sitting here smiling today. Is today ruff? Yes. You bet. But God IS healing me. He has used my past to help many already. He can and will do the same with yours. A good friend once told me they are just learning curves. We can learn from our failures and we can take our healing journey and turn it around to help others.

I tried medication once and like you I didn't like it. But I got to the point I checked myself into a mental hospital to keep myself from committing suicide and they put me on medication. They kept me there while my body worked through the side effects. So there is medical help available. Not sure with insurance or medical costs if that helps you in your situation. Also there is a prescription drug that they gave me that stops the dreams.

Just as I'm here sharing with you that you are not alone God can use your life and your story to reach other to let them know they are not alone. Hang in there. Take it one step at a time. What I mean is pay attention to small accomplishments. So you don't want to get out of bed? Then getting out of bed is an achievement for that day for you! Pat yourself on the back! You don't feel like showering? Reward yourself by allowing yourself to feel good for accomplishing one more thing you didn't want to do.

David I feel led to get a little deeper with you in these issues by sharing mine. My abusive past was just triggered and what I felt after I realized I was focusing on the past was self hatred and desire to harm myself. I felt as if the Lord wanted me to share this to help you realize what is happening with in yourself as well. I might be wrong. I'm stepping out on a limb sharing so much. Those thoughts I usually keep to myself. I can not control what comes into my mind but I can control what I do with them. I didn't harm myself and I reminded myself that God loves me and doesn't want me to harm myself. Took a few deep breathes and I'm past it. God loves you too David and doesn't want you to harm yourself no matter how much you hate yourself. It might be hard to accept God loves you. I could not accept that for many years. This CCCC study helps along with others here and prayer. Prayer is huge in healing! The words shared here by others are so very valuable and so true. Take what you can and apply it. Keep sharing. Keep on keeping on.

I pray you feel His gentle spirit bringing you peace and an inner joy that you've never felt before.

Oh P.S. David we have all fallen away. We choose other things besides Him daily. His grace is sufficient for all of us. He's just that good. Love ya brother.

Pine, all of you, thanks for sharing. Pine thank you especially. I have tried countless times to 'finish' early myself. Had gotten so bad that not too long ago I found myself infront of the mirror with my pistol in my mouth and was starting to pull the trigger. About 1.5 years ago I was ready to go, had all of those voices in my head telling me to keep pulling that trigger. If I had a lighter pull trigger, I wouldn't be telling you this. 1 mm more and... It was only by God's love for me that I didn't. All the voices in my head, all the noise went away and had a thought like a still small voice that said, "Don't, I love you". It was just days later I was doing sound for the church, the pastor came in the booth, walked over to me, hugged me and said "I love you". Thank you for being transparent with me. I know it is difficult, but it helps alot.

David I'm glad you didn't pull that trigger. There are many here and in your life that are glad as well or would be glad if they knew.

"All the noise went away..."

See that. It didn't just stop. God told it to stop. And the one who wanted you gone from this world had to be silent. You are a temple of the Holy Ghost. That means as long as you live here on earth you hold a portion of God's Spirit here in this deeply evil world. With out the Christians Gods presence perhaps would be lessened. Perhaps then Satan would have more power. No wonder Satan wants us gone. Every time I was inches away from suicidal death I heard that voice as well. He saved us. For me it got to the point I wasn't sure if I had left Him anything to draw me away from making the wrong choice and ending my life. That's when I got help from the hospital. I wish I hadn't of let it go that far before I got help. I hope you don't let it go that far before you seek more help. Suicide leaves a silence that rings for ever. The grief it leaves behind can never be soothed. I know at times that just isn't enough. When nothing seems to be enough to stop you, please get medical help. I'm glad I'm here today. I'm glad you are here today. Some where in the future I believe you will be glad you are here. Some days are bad, but that doesn't mean they all will be. This is just a season, wait for it to pass.