Diary - Day 1
Posted: Wed Dec 07, 2011 2:43 pmI found this site by accident, however, I think it was ordained for me to stumble upon. Today has been exceptional, same stuff, just a different day. Man, where do I begin. I was a little scared to post my journal on here. There are a lot of issues I continue facing, even though I gave my life to Jesus in June of this year. I've always been the kind of person to worry about what people think. It was always a popularity issue with me growing up. Now, I'm more worried about what the "church" people will think, hence the reason I have no one to talk to but my Father in Heaven (and who better anyways). I have no friends, litterally, anymore. I lost them in the transition of my soul over the Summer. Not a bad thing though, considering the company I was keeping around me. Let me start from the beggining-ish so I can just get some of this off my chest anyways.
My parents divorced when I was 9 years old. Dad was a youth pastor at a local church and ran off with a married woman who was attending the same church. My world was crushed by his descision. But after the 10 years that they were together, she re-married another man, which broke off the relationship that her and my dad had together. He's definitley not a pastor anymore. He's re-married as well, smoking, drinking regularly, just a heart breaking lifestyle. I still had an okay relationship with my dad after he left, nothing like it was, but it wasn't completly diminished either. He has a lot of problems, more now than ever. And on the night of July 3rd, just a couple of weeks after I got saved and a few hours away from the 4th of July, he came to my house...drunk. I no longer accepted this kind of thing at my house, but since he was my dad, I told him he could crash on the couch so he wouldn't be driving home drunk. I was 19 years old, and living by myself. At about 2:30 in the morning, I woke up with my father standing over my bed, and his hand under my shirt. I panicked. I tried to hit him, but he caught my hand. As I turned away from him off the other side of the bed, I went into the bathroom that was in my room and locked the door. I knew I was going to throw up. I heard him walk back into the living room, so I made a mad dash for my car keys, and drove for about 4 hours. He was gone when I got back home. I've seen him since then, and God knows I've tried to forgive him. I just can't yet, and it's hurting me more than it's hurting him.
Before I got saved, however, I was into a life of partying, drinking, smoking weed, and having sexual relations with numerous people. I had very low self-esteem, and was tied up by the lies of my sin. A year ago this month, I found out that I was 2 months pregnant by a guy that I was sleeping with during the months of October and November. We had never dated, and had no intentions of anything serious. On December 29th, 2010, I aborted the precious life of my unborn child. The father of our child went with me to the clinic, and that was the last time I saw him. My baby was 9 weeks old when he went to be with the Lord. It was a horrible, traumatic experience I would never wish on anyone. I have found an inner peace thru the Holy Spirit and the help of my Heavenly Father since then, however. God even revealed to me after I had gotten saved and made peace with my forgiving God, that my baby would have been a boy, and his name would have been Ryan. Call me crazy if you want, but I know that the Lord showed me that. I asked him to reveal it to me, I sought Him, and He was faithful to reveal to me the question that had stumped me ever since that day. I am released from that stronghold of guilt, shame, and pain from that experience. I have even forgiven the people that were involved with that descision (with God's help alone). Is it still sad sometimes? Of course. Do I miss my baby, and sometimes catch myself thinking about the life he would have had? absolutley. But, I BELEIVE that I am set free, not because of how I "feel", but because of what and WHO I have faith in, and that's the blood of Jesus.
So needless to say, this last year, has been a crazy one. God knows my heart, I don't want to continue being "down" all the time. I want to enjoy and bask in the freedom that He has given me! Why can I not do that so easily like everyone else seems to? Why does it seem to be harder for me? I'm looking forward to this study, and getting closer to God. I need Him everyday, and in every situation. He is all I have.
My parents divorced when I was 9 years old. Dad was a youth pastor at a local church and ran off with a married woman who was attending the same church. My world was crushed by his descision. But after the 10 years that they were together, she re-married another man, which broke off the relationship that her and my dad had together. He's definitley not a pastor anymore. He's re-married as well, smoking, drinking regularly, just a heart breaking lifestyle. I still had an okay relationship with my dad after he left, nothing like it was, but it wasn't completly diminished either. He has a lot of problems, more now than ever. And on the night of July 3rd, just a couple of weeks after I got saved and a few hours away from the 4th of July, he came to my house...drunk. I no longer accepted this kind of thing at my house, but since he was my dad, I told him he could crash on the couch so he wouldn't be driving home drunk. I was 19 years old, and living by myself. At about 2:30 in the morning, I woke up with my father standing over my bed, and his hand under my shirt. I panicked. I tried to hit him, but he caught my hand. As I turned away from him off the other side of the bed, I went into the bathroom that was in my room and locked the door. I knew I was going to throw up. I heard him walk back into the living room, so I made a mad dash for my car keys, and drove for about 4 hours. He was gone when I got back home. I've seen him since then, and God knows I've tried to forgive him. I just can't yet, and it's hurting me more than it's hurting him.
Before I got saved, however, I was into a life of partying, drinking, smoking weed, and having sexual relations with numerous people. I had very low self-esteem, and was tied up by the lies of my sin. A year ago this month, I found out that I was 2 months pregnant by a guy that I was sleeping with during the months of October and November. We had never dated, and had no intentions of anything serious. On December 29th, 2010, I aborted the precious life of my unborn child. The father of our child went with me to the clinic, and that was the last time I saw him. My baby was 9 weeks old when he went to be with the Lord. It was a horrible, traumatic experience I would never wish on anyone. I have found an inner peace thru the Holy Spirit and the help of my Heavenly Father since then, however. God even revealed to me after I had gotten saved and made peace with my forgiving God, that my baby would have been a boy, and his name would have been Ryan. Call me crazy if you want, but I know that the Lord showed me that. I asked him to reveal it to me, I sought Him, and He was faithful to reveal to me the question that had stumped me ever since that day. I am released from that stronghold of guilt, shame, and pain from that experience. I have even forgiven the people that were involved with that descision (with God's help alone). Is it still sad sometimes? Of course. Do I miss my baby, and sometimes catch myself thinking about the life he would have had? absolutley. But, I BELEIVE that I am set free, not because of how I "feel", but because of what and WHO I have faith in, and that's the blood of Jesus.
So needless to say, this last year, has been a crazy one. God knows my heart, I don't want to continue being "down" all the time. I want to enjoy and bask in the freedom that He has given me! Why can I not do that so easily like everyone else seems to? Why does it seem to be harder for me? I'm looking forward to this study, and getting closer to God. I need Him everyday, and in every situation. He is all I have.
